


I Hate That I Love You

by DeadOnArrivalGirl



Series: I Hate That I Love You [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Action, F/M, Fanfiction, Female Titan Arc, Manga & Anime, Mystery, Orphan Reader, Post-Female Titan Arc, Reader-Insert, Science Experiment, Scout Regiment, Scouts, Stalker, Stalking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-25
Updated: 2021-01-19
Packaged: 2021-02-23 07:21:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply, Underage
Chapters: 14
Words: 64,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23307757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeadOnArrivalGirl/pseuds/DeadOnArrivalGirl
Summary: In a world dominated by Titans, mankind has been forced to the brink of extinction; their salvation was the three great walls that protected them...until now.
Relationships: Eren Yeager/Reader
Series: I Hate That I Love You [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1676170
Comments: 31
Kudos: 110





	1. When Maria Fell...

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING – I Hate That I Love You will touch upon these topics in order to tell the story. In no way, shape or form are you meant to repeat or replicate the actions performed by the fictional characters within this work.  
> Reader discretion is advised. (Use common sense please)  
> Kidnapping, Torture, Medical Experimentation, Human Mutation, Sexual Assault, Sexual Abuse, Trauma, PTSD and Animal Abuse (for villainous purposes, not of our lead characters causing it. We don't stan animal abusers, period.)  
> Taking these warnings into account, enjoy :3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ever since the appearance of Titans, mankind has been on the brink of extinction. They don't seem to eat people for nutritional purposes, regurgitating their stomach contents without them actually being digested.  
> What remains of the human race retreated behind three great walls.  
> Maria, the largest outer wall.  
> Rose, the second wall behind Maria.  
> Sheena, the inner most wall also housing royals and people of noble status.  
> It was on a normal day, a bright and clear day like any other...when The Colossal Titan appeared, Wall Maria was breached...and it is here, our story begins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING – I Hate That I Love You will touch upon these topics in order to tell the story. In no way, shape or form are you meant to repeat or replicate the actions performed by the fictional characters within this work.  
> Reader discretion is advised. (Use common sense please)  
> Kidnapping, Torture, Medical Experimentation, Human Mutation, Sexual Assault, Sexual Abuse, Trauma, PTSD and Animal Abuse (for villainous purposes, not of our lead characters causing it. We don't stan animal abusers, period.)  
> Taking these warnings into account, enjoy :3

The sky was overcast over Shiganshina that day, polar opposite to that strangely sunny day two years earlier. The weather had deceived us further than our own denial had; as if we would remain safe living in ignorance as we had been.

The heavy air in that area felt as if it was full of ghosts, those poor souls lost that day so rooted in ignorance that they didn’t even know they were dead and gone. Every time we passed through that zone I felt as if we were surrounded by those lost souls, staring daggers at us as we passed through them unaware as ever.

Two long years hadn’t subdued the stench of blood and death that surrounded this place. Every broken house, every dark rust colored stain in the dirt and each massive footprint in the earth carved this places history into it; never to be forgotten.

“Petra,” I heard and looked up to see Gunther looking over his shoulder at me, his eyes seeing well through my distraction. “What’s going on? You feel something?”

“It’s as if…this place is…” I hesitated when we felt a rumble in the earth and I snapped out of it. “Never mind, it’s nothing.” I pushed it aside and jostled my horse to hasten its speed when there was a loud and unexpected explosion nearby.

In the street beside us, a large building collapsed on itself and a Titan seemed to emerge from the dust it kicked up; ugly as they all are. This one, however…had a massive blackened wound on its face...a burn?!

“Captain Levi-” Oluo began but Levi cut him off.

“Let’s get beyond the wall, we’ll talk about it then.” He demanded sternly.

Just as we pass a massive collapsed hill of homes and debris; a loud familiar pop makes us each turn our heads to see…a long trail of red smoke in the air and just then…a voice reaches us.

“PLEASE, WAIT!!” a woman and I can hear the sobs of a young girl behind her cries. “PLEASE, AT LEAST TAKE MY DAUGHTER!”

“MAMA, THEY’RE COMING!!” the girl calls out as a 3-Meter-Titan begins to give chase.

The oblong shaped thing with sandy hair chases after them like a massive baby chasing a pet; it’s glee far more sickening. I tense my hand around the reins to turn my horse when Levi’s voice reaches me.

“Don’t even think about it Petra,” he warns.

I hesitate…but don’t stop. I jerk my horse harshly and pull off from the group and start towards the mother and child.

“PETRA, DAMN IT!” he yells as he pulls away from the group and follows; yelling orders over his shoulder. “Eld, take the lead; keep them headed for the wall. If we don’t make it back, leave us.” He demands and while Eld doesn’t hesitate to do as ordered, I don’t doubt he’s unsure of that last sentence.

Levi pulls up beside me on his horse and prepares to engage as I continue to race towards them. “Did you suddenly forget how to follow orders?”

“No, but it seems like I’m getting quicker on my feet than you. Can you cut it down?” I ask and he scoffs before vanishing without so much as a hiss from his Omni-Directional Maneuvering Gear.

I continue to hasten my horse as the Titan continues its pursuit of them. Fortunately, I spy a flash of green above me as Levi swoops in and with a loud wet slice overhead; the 3-Meter falls to its right and into a massive pile of debris. It’s body already steaming as it fades away to nothing and I finally manage to reach the mother who’s stopped and is now holding and hushing her frightened child.

The woman is skinny, underfed but not sickly. Her face was pretty but her eyes and cheeks were sunken in from stress and lack of sleep. As soon as I get close enough to reach for her hand, she pushes her child up to me and I stutter in my actions as I quickly grasp the child and hold her close.

She’s small but maybe 12, long (h/c) hair and tear streaks down her dirty, cherub face. Her eyes were closed as she sobbed quietly and I pet her long hair as the mother caught her breath.

“Thank you, I cannot even begin to say my thanks.” She says when Levi arrives beside me, landing smoothly and changing his blades as his horse trots over to us. “Levi?!” she gasps.

“What?” his grey eyes widen as if surprised; which was rarer than him smiling.

“Let’s get out of here and I’ll explain.” The woman says quickly when another loud explosion sets her exhausted face into one of sheer horror as she turns to see the source of the explosion.

This time it’s at least a 6-Meter-Titan and it is leaping from building to destroyed building; straight toward us! I lower the child in front of me and she wraps her arms tight around my hips. “Hold on tight,” I instruct as the woman mounts the back of my horse and with Levi leading the way, we manage to spy the rear of our group. I’m a little concerned since this group was supposed to be at the wall by now…they were still rather close to where we’d separated from them.

As I contemplate why they were still so close, I saw the reason; a 5-Meter-Abnormal that was running back and forth and smashing into buildings all around them, as if it were trying to crush them with the damage. Just as quickly as I spotted two other Titan corpses withering away; Gunther slices the nape of its neck in a swift motion before landing easily back on his horse.

By the time we reach the group, they’re resuming their speed and we continue to rush towards Wall Rose just as a loud and undeniable rumbling picks up all around us! How many now? My breath catches in my throat as the girl squeezes my ribs and screams.

There are at least four 10-Meter-Titans giving chase to us from all directions and it was frightening when Levi’s blades unsheathing brought my attention to him ahead of me.

“Listen up,” his voice rises above all the noise; calling us to attention. “Things are getting drastic, prepare to engage. Petra, you keep going and don’t look back.” He orders and I bite my lip when I feel a jerk against my shoulder.

“No, do NOT engage! Levi…” there’s a long pause as he looks back at her and is visibly angered by her ignoring his authority. “If you or anyone in this group try to turn around…you’ll all die.” There’s another long pause as she grabs her daughters clenched hands against my back and whispers against my head. “Take care of her,”

Before I can react, she’s jumped off my horse and has started running back towards the Titans chasing us down.

“MAMA!!!” The girl screams and tries to follow but I hold onto her tightly, keeping her close despite her struggles. “PLEASE, MAMA!!! DON’T LEAVE ME TOO!!” she begs as her tears warm my belly but I just make my horse speed up; leaving the echoing voice behind us.

“YOU MONSTERS WANT SOME MEAT, COME AND GET IT!!!!” her voice bounced off the buildings and into the sky as we felt the rumbles lessen.

Even Levi couldn’t keep from turning his head back to see what had just occurred…it was a horrid image but something…I will never forget for as long as I live.

The woman had been picked up by a titan but a small explosion made it pull it’s face away from a blast of different colored smoke. She fired round after round off directly into the open eyes of the Titans, keeping them at bay long enough for her to jump from their grip and to a nearby roof.

As we got to the gate; the last thing I saw was her getting snatched up and then a massive cloud of (f/c) smoke exploded from its hand…where she’d been and with that last explosion of color…I couldn’t see exactly what befell her but that might be for the best. I’ve already got a world of nightmares.

The girl pushed away from me and climbed down from my horse, screaming as she ran over to the closed gate and placed her hands against it. She stood there silently for a moment, chilling silence until she let her arms fall limp at her sides and she looked up at us.

Poor thing just lost her mother and now she’s surrounded by the strangers that left her to die. Her (e/c) eyes stared up at us, tears dripping from her round cheeks as her whole world fell apart before our eyes.

“I…I can’t feel…Mama…anymore…” she says and wraps her arms around her chest; as if trying to hold herself together.

Levi breaks from us and walks up to the girl, he kneels down in front of her. He holds her tiny gaze without falter and I hold my breath as he opens his arms to her. She suddenly begins to sob again and throws herself against his chest, clinging to him as he wraps her in his cloak and holds her near.

A new sense of dread filled the area as we could do nothing but listen to the cries of a now orphaned child. This new development however did not deafen us to the sound of Erwin clearing his throat as he approached us.

He made to speak but upon seeing Levi coddling the little girl in his arms, he fell silent and simply motioned for us to follow him. We did, Levi almost immediately falling into place behind Erwin and remounting his horse, not making any attempt to hide the girl he held to his chest.

We road into the town, making our way towards home while the girl still clung to Levi; drawing murmurs and jeers alike from the people who gaze upon us. People wondered where she came from and who she was but I spotted three little wide-eyed children looking up at us amide the survivors of Shiganshina.

The headquarters wasn’t necessarily a warm and lively place at this point of our day but I felt restless; pacing back and forth beside the office where Levi was. The girl still in his arms and sniffling from time to time, clutching a tissue to her nose as Levi paced back and forth but in more of a swaying rhythm, rocking her softly as he went. He whispered to her quietly, seeming to soothe her as her puffy little eyes began to grow heavy.

I turned at the sound of someone approaching and saw Erwin carrying a tray of coffee, looking a little surprised when he peeked into the room.

“Is she still here?”

“Yes sir, she hasn’t let go of Levi since Wall Rose. She threw a fit when we tried to give her to a nurse so he could change. I’m not sure if he’s tolerating her or he’s just too frustrated to say anything. I’ll admit, it’s kind of cut to see him rocking her to sleep. Like a father or a big brother of sorts.” I say aloud and Erwin quirks an eyebrow at me before I straighten up. “But I do have news…the sentries confirm her mothers passing.

Erwin looked into the room and I followed his eyes to see that Levi had sat down on the couch and was carefully rocking back and forth, her eyes closed but the sniffles seemed to keep her awake.

“Her mother ensured her child’s safety but also yours. Distracting that many Titans for the sake of her child…mothers are truly magnificent.” He muses, a thoughtful look coming to his eyes when the tiniest of whining reaches us and we both look into the room again.

Levi has laid the girl down on the couch now, removing his hands from her and covered her little body with his jacket before turning and walking towards us. He lets out a solemn sigh before closing the door behind him.

“Finally, asleep,” he mumbles, rubbing his neck and leaning on the doorframe.

“You did great with her Levi; she really seems to like you.” I say, unable to hide my sly smile; which he quickly answers with a glare.

“She’s not a pet, we can’t keep her.”

“He’s right Petra,” Erwin agrees, making me feel a little singled out right now. “This child can’t stay with us. Not only do we not have the time to raise her up, as much as I can see that you want to; you don’t have the space for her.”

I felt my chest tighten at the idea of sending her off and I can’t keep my voice low. “What? Are we just going to set her loose in the streets and wish her luck?! We’re going to find a place for her, at least; right?!”

“I’m not sure we can Petra,” I hear more voices and turn to see Eld and Oluo approaching, Oluo being the speaker. “The orphanages are brimming with children that lost their parents. We can’t go door to door asking if someone will take her.”’

“We can’t just leave her somewhere, that’s heartless! Levi,” I turn to him and he looks at me; again a little surprised looking that I’m attempting to plead with him. “You can’t look at her and tell me you don’t feel a sense of responsibility for that girl! I can’t begin to imagine what she’s probably been through up to today!” I shouted when Erwin set down the coffee.

“That’s true…I mean, where did they even come from?”

“Shiganshina,” a little voice peeped and we all looked down to see the girl standing beside the door; barely cracked with Levi’s jacket over her tiny shoulders.

Her eyes were still puffy and red but at least she wasn’t crying anymore…poor little thing looked exhausted.

“You’re from…Shiganshina?” Erwin asks slowly and the girl nods.

“Mama hid us when the Titans came.” She says slowly then a haze seems to come over her eyes and she lets out a deep breath before looking back up at Levi. “Mama is dead…isn’t she?”

There’s a moment where I look up at the others; hoping someone else can break it to her that she’s all alone and we can’t look after her. Levi however, knelt down and put a hand on her little shoulder.

“Yes, she died to protect you.” He says evenly and she nods, trying not to start crying again.

“Ok…can I stay here with you? Just for tonight?” she asks and we’re all taken aback at first. “I heard what you all said…I just…want one night to rest. Please? I’ll clean up after myself, I promise.” She offers and Levi lowers his head; defeated.

“I think she just said the magic words,” Oluo whispers and Gunther holds in laughter while Levi pats her head and stands up.

“Let’s slow down a moment, Ok. It’s still the middle of the day…so let’s start simple.” He offers his hand to the tiny girl and she stares up at him. “My name is Levi, what is your name?”

She puts her tiny hand in his and shakes his hand, trying to be firm and for a split second…her eyes seemed to clear of their sorrow. “(f/n), my name is (f/n) (l/n).”


	2. 104th Trainees Squad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Looking down over (f/n) for the past few years has been a bumpy road for Levi and Petra, looking at her figure as she ventures off to pursue her dreams. (This is short but don't worry, more is coming :3 )

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING – I Hate That I Love You will touch upon these topics in order to tell the story. In no way, shape or form are you meant to repeat or replicate the actions performed by the fictional characters within this work.  
> Reader discretion is advised. (Use common sense please)  
> Kidnapping, Torture, Medical Experimentation, Human Mutation, Sexual Assault, Sexual Abuse, Trauma, PTSD and Animal Abuse (for villainous purposes, not of our lead characters causing it. We don't stan animal abusers, period.)  
> Taking these warnings into account, enjoy :3

The sun was blazing in the sky, casting quivering heat waves in the distance. The air was heavy and humid, you’d almost feel like you were drowning from breathing alone. The landscape was dark brown and dust kicked up with the wind and breezed through the spot where the cadets stood. There was an impressive amount of them but those numbers would dwindle quickly, only the truly dedicated would see the end of boot camp. Shadis walked around to them all and only stopped in front of some to yell and break them down.

“Weeding out the soft ones was easy, the brave would surely keep going…problem is, the stupid tend to slip through not knowing what fear is.” Oluo says and I can’t help but swat his shoulder.

“Don’t be so cold, they’re passionate! Most of them have real pride in becoming part of the solution.”

“Petra, you’re as optimistic as ever but there are also those only interested in living cozy lives in the walls with The Military Police or party lazily like The Garrison. Only the stupid or delusional will join up with us.” Oluo quickly receives another swat upside the head this time from Gunther.

“Shut it, you heard that argument this morning…if the Captain hears you calling her stupid-” he warns, leading us all to look down on the ledge below us, where Levi stood; watching her. I could still hear the sound of glass shattering and voices bouncing off the walls from this morning.

No doubt he could see her a mile away, like we could. Shadis walked right past our girl, another face to the other cadets but not to us. We’ll never forget her round, childish face for as long as we live. She’s shorter than any one of them, likely due to her being malnourished during one of the most important parts of her life. Even Cadet Krista was taller than she and she was quite mousy for a soldier.

She may have been small but her body was built solid, powerful and a force to be reckoned with-Titan or human. Her (e/c) eyes sparkled in the daylight, looking wide with excitement but not ignorance. Her long (h/c) hair hung to almost her knees in a ponytail tied off at the nape of her neck with a (f/c) bandana wrapped around her head, the color vibrant and eye catching.

I knew Eld could sense my tension and sighed.

“He couldn’t talk her out of it this morning when he found out…I’m shocked he didn’t lose his shit when he found out she was training with him.” He says.

Remembering the argument in clear detail is worse than anything I could have imagined.

I suddenly heard a loud crash and (f/n) yelp in surprise a few rooms away, making me tense up right away. Then I heard Levi’s voice.

“Have you lost your damn mind!?” I’ve never heard him yell like that before, he was so angry.

“I have never been surer of anything in my life!” she snaps back and there’s a long moment of silence.

“Why are you doing this?” he asks, calmer now.

“Because, I have knowledge that could help us take back Wall Maria someday. The way I grew up was…unorthodox but if it means that I can be even a footnote in history then it was worth it!” she says when I hear a loud and crisp sound.

He slapped her!? More silence when I hear his voice again.

“That’s how you want to be remembered? That’s all you want your mothers sacrifice to mean? A footnote? The thought of merely being mentioned in history? You don’t seem to see that there are more hurdles than you could possibly imagine and each one of them is going to jump up and try to eat you. You are going to do this no matter what I say, that much I already know but I will NOT let you do this for some stupid attempt at glory and recognition!”

“Then what do you do this for?!” she yells and I hear a floorboard creak to my left.

I look up to see Gunther motioning me to follow him quietly. We sneak over to the room and Oluo and Eld are already there; their ears pressed up against the door. He still hasn’t answered her.

“Tell me then…why’d you join The Scouts?! You’ve never once told me why you did and as far as I’m concerned you don’t have any room to tell me whether my reasons are good enough or not! If you actually think my goal is glory or to be the answer to some quiz in a few years then you clearly don’t know anything about me at all!” she yells, clearly getting upset and holding back her sobs; I can hear the strain in her voice.

“And what makes you think I owe you any sort of explanation? We saved your life, kept a roof over your head and cared for you since that day; if anything, you owe us.” He says and I can almost feel her temper flare up.

“Fine, I won’t join up. I’ll live a lazy life behind the walls as some frumpy little housewife, cleaning up my husband’s messes while we pretend everything is fine and raise a little family just so they can do the same thing! I will not live my life in monotony and I will not pretend that what I’ve seen couldn’t be detrimental to humanity!”

Another long pause when the door swung open and we all practically fell into the room.

“Can I help you?” he asks and we all stand up straight, stiff as boards and salute when he guides her out of the room by her wrist.

I can see her face is red from holding back her tears and her eyes are glossy…but she was wearing the cadet’s uniform.

She’d managed to keep the fact that she was aiming to join the Scouts from him for so long…but she knew she could only keep it secret for so long. When she told me, she said it was because she wanted to join Hange in her research and use the knowledge she has to help us.

“I’m going to be honest; I was kind of hoping he’d be able to talk her out of it…but she’s determined to make a difference. She wants to change the world and while he respects it-and he’ll never admit to this-but he’s scared of something happening to her.” I say and Eld hums his agreement.

“Yeah, as much as he denies it…he’s really taken to her. I dare say he might even love her like a daughter.” He says.

“I think so too…” I feel a warmth in my chest blossom as I gaze at Levi’s turning head, watching her every move among the cadets. “But like you said, he’ll never admit to that.”

As the cadets make to leave the area, Levi glances up at us. “Let’s go, we’ve got a busy day tomorrow.”

“Yes sir,” we all say and as we make to leave, I stall and watch as (f/n) raises her head and looks at us.

“Levi,” I say and point.

He glances down and she looks back at the group to make sure no one is watching, then waves at us excitedly; her smile beaming! We each raise a hand and return the wave just as she turns and resumes her place with the others.

“There she goes,” I mumble. “Off to change the world.”


	3. The Sparring Day Incident

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With a short passage of time, (f/n) has a moment to look back on her time growing up in the boot camp. During their day of practicing hand to hand combat, (f/n) starts to learn one of the hardships of facing the real world, things that seem laid to rest...will not lie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING – I Hate That I Love You will touch upon these topics in order to tell the story. In no way, shape or form are you meant to repeat or replicate the actions performed by the fictional characters within this work.  
> Reader discretion is advised. (Use common sense please)  
> Kidnapping, Torture, Medical Experimentation, Human Mutation, Sexual Assault, Sexual Abuse, Trauma, PTSD and Animal Abuse (for villainous purposes, not of our lead characters causing it. We don't stan animal abusers, period.)  
> Taking these warnings into account, enjoy :3

Watching Uncle Shadis rip the heads off of several of the cadets yesterday was almost enough to make me lose my composure but I refused to let myself snicker along with the others. Watching their faces from my place was my primary focus; who was going to take the same path as me and who wouldn’t? I had watched from afar the last couple of years as I lived here and had developed the ability to see how Shadis did his selection.

There was a certain tenseness to the jaw of some of the cadets, a clenching of sorts that would give them away. The ones with clenched jaws were the ones that would get yelled at; their clenched jaws would mean they’re either excited or scared and they immediately gained targets for Shadis’ verbal onslaught.

The ones with slackened jaws, were also targeted; too laid back, ignorant or cocky. Not the kind of person you want watching your back on the field.

Then there were the ones he barely acknowledged, they would have a stoic look to their faces and a sort of opacity to their eyes that the others didn’t. They had the same distant look to their eyes that I had; a thoughtful and perceptive gaze. The eyes of someone who’d seen their families destroyed because of the Titans.

Those were the people I paid close attention to, the ones that could potentially take the same route I was planning on taking…which was to join the Scout Regiment’s research branch. After our final ceremony, I may not see any of the others again so they weren’t really on my radar.

Other than that, I hadn’t made much of an effort to get to know anyone though. The entire process of getting the lay of this place was their priority or staying close to friends…I however, spent most of my time thinking and writing in the small journal that Petra had gifted me before this day.

It was a small leather-bound thing that sealed with a small buckle; it served as my memory log. Everything that I remembered about my time after Maria fell was in there and was the best way for me to keep my thoughts organized. The poor thing had been frayed and banged up from me using it so much but even after all the pages were full, I just started writing my thoughts out on scraps of paper that I’d come across and shove those into the binding. That poor buckle was the only thing keeping the pages from just falling out of my book.

I think the only reason I’d even decided to start talking to anyone here was when sparring training began. We were to practice hand to hand combat with each other to test our skills and also as a leveling ground. Knock the high and mighty off their horses and weed out the ones who couldn’t handle the rough and tumble of it all. If you couldn’t handle getting smacked around by regular thugs, you’re as good as Titan food.

As we walked out onto the plateau, I hung nearest the back of the herd; not really sure how I’d present myself. I wasn’t shy or scared at all but I hadn’t really made any effort to  not be as quiet as a church mouse around everyone so I wasn’t really sure how to start when people started pairing up. I spotted a young guy with shaved hair and walked over to him, offering my hand.

“Hi, I’m (f/n) (l/n). Wanna get warmed up together?” I asked and his brown eyes grew wide.

“Wait, you can talk!?” he said loudly and a few people turned their heads towards us.

I couldn’t suppress my utter shock and how red my face turned as I raised my voice at him.

“Of course, I can talk; why the hell did you think I couldn’t?!” I snapped.

He starts scratching the back of his head as his face starts reddening as well. “Well, I mean…we’ve never really talked to you-”

“So you just  assumed I couldn’t speak?!” I quipped and I heard someone laugh then walk up to him and wrap their arm around his shoulder.

“Connie, making friends? Hi, I’m Marco Bodt.” He says warmly and extends his hand the same way I’d just done.

I took a deep breath and took his hand, shaking firmly and nodding before stepping back. “I promise not to hold back,”

Connie steps back as Marco starts towards me with the fake wooden dagger and just as draws near me, I grab his wrist, step between his legs and slam my shoulder into his chest. He falls onto his butt and the dagger slips from his hand and remains in mine as I let his wrist leave me.

Both boys just stare as I drop the dagger to the dirt and look at Connie. “Next?” He honestly looked like he wanted to turn tail and run the other way. Marco quickly gets up and dusts off his rump, little brown puffs of dust billowing for a second and then vanishing.

“So fast! You gotta teach me how you did that!” he says excitedly and I nod, eager to get in some more practice since Shadis refused to let me practice with him anymore.

One dislocated shoulder and he deemed me a hazard to society; albeit a joke but still, he was less than keen on letting me do anything to him again. I mean, he said not to play nice so I didn’t. Oluo had said that his old age had made him a wuss with that type of thing, which Petra reprimanded us both over for laughing.

The fond memory was something of a comfort to me as I started walking the boys through how to watch their opponent’s movements and be able to predict their movements. What I hadn’t counted on was Connie calling over his friends to join in on my impromptu lesson while I let Marco try it on me. There were obviously one or two that wanted to best me ‘Oh, she’s not so tough’ but they were promptly proven wrong.

I knew that I’d be a little better than the others in this field what with my upbringing but I didn’t think this would draw a crowd to each of my rounds. With each victory, the crowd grew larger and the attention was insanely fun! Being the center of attention made me feel special and all the cheers and laughter made me feel like I was unstoppable, but I wasn’t benefiting from this other than menial practice. I needed a challenge to keep my skills honed and improve them, not just practiced.

I contemplated how to get in that practice my muscles were aching for but as I turned to commence my wandering, I accidentally bumped shoulders with someone. I turned to see who it was and recognized her right away; Mikasa Ackerman. She was the stoic, foreign beauty of the whole squad. There weren’t a lot of Japanese girls around here and her not just being the only one, but also being gorgeous, smart and brave made her a huge talking point for everyone. Our instructors even commended her regularly on her impressive intellect and skills.

She had long black hair to start but almost immediately after starting here, she had cropped it short, but her bangs and flawless, pale complexion made her almond shaped grey eyes that much more prominent. She was tall, fit and clearly strong in both will and body and I felt like a child by comparison.

I was round in the face, childish and young looking despite me being the same age as the others here. While my body was built and toned by years of hard training, I hadn’t really thought much of my shape. I had my mothers strong legs and my fathers (e/c) eyes. My hair was longer than long, (h/c) and hung down to my knees when in a low ponytail at the nape of my neck. My head was almost always slightly covered with my (f/c) bandana and my side-swiped bangs stuck out of the front.

She usually had two boys around her at all times; Armin Arlert and Eren Jaeger. From what I’d heard of them, Mikasa was the brawn, Armin was the brains and Eren…was the mouth, but he had a bite to back up his bark. They had a dynamic amongst them that I was admittedly jealous of; a bond that I could see clear as day.

Ok…so there was a downside to not talking to people here; if I thought about it too much…I realized that I was lonely. Levi and Petra were wonderful, all my caretakers were but I guess I was needy for friends my age.

The crowd ‘ooh’d’ at us and began cheering for her to ‘end the streak’ and I laughed as they did. I looked up at her with a bit of a smile on my face while hers remained as stoic and neutral as ever. I offered her my hand.

“What do you think? Wanna go a round or two?” I ask and she nods, shaking my hand sternly and sliding into wide stance.

“I think one should suffice.” She says evenly.

I take a deep breath and drop into my own stance, my right leg behind me and my left leg forward, arms up to guard my head and neck. I was excited; this was more like it! She was the most talented cadets here and as I listened to the others around us, heard that she’d gone undefeated all day as well. This only fed the itching in my fists; she’d be a real challenge and thus, good practice.

*EREN*

I was standing next to Armin, helping him adjust his hands to guard himself when we heard what sounded like chanting…for Mikasa.

“Sounds like Mikasa’s in a real fight,” Armin said, pointing at the group of cadets likely encasing this fight.

We looked at each other before we each got a evil grin on our faces. Growing up, Mikasa was always really good at fighting and seeing her meet a  real challenge was a rarity we had yet to see!

We quickly ran over and started pushing our way to the front so we could see better. Once we waded through the sea of fellow cadets, we saw Mikasa and (f/n) standing apart from each other, breathing heavy and the dust around their feet barely settled when they launched at each other. They exchanged blows from time to time but one always parried of blocked the move and they went back to sizing each other up. Mikasa then did what everyone was waiting for and moved for a take down but as fast as she was, (f/n) was faster.

(f/n) dropped to one knee and caught Mikasa at the waist, lifting her up onto her shoulders before body slamming her into the dirt, causing a thick cloud of dust to somewhat engulf them both. As the dust dispersed, we could hear Mikasa’s breath leave her and both Armin and I left the ranks.

“Mikasa!”

*YOU*

My cheeks heated up with a vengeance as the crowd fell silent and the tension in the air was almost suffocating. I had intended to take her down but the way she came at me had me react on instinct instead of conscious objection…in short, I DIDN’T MEAN TO THROW HER! I knelt down by her side as she rasped and tried to sit up.

“I am so sorry; I didn’t mean to throw you like that! Are you Ok?” I rushed out, feeling very embarrassed, I hadn’t body slammed anyone in who knows how long so I don’t doubt that my power control was worlds off!

I felt a presence over my shoulder and turned to see a boy with two-tone hair standing over me like a Titan over its prey and I’ll admit, the anger on his face made me a little worried. He was definitely more than just a pretty face so I was concerned as to how he might react to me. Judging from his expression, he must be her boyfriend or something. Odd, I thought Eren was her boyfriend since they were always together.

“Hey, what the hell was that?!” his voice booming over my place on the ground.

“I just said I was sorry!” I began defensively when I heard Mikasa starting to catch her breath.

We both looked over and saw Eren and Armin on either side of her helping her sit up, Armin dusting off her back and shoulders. The crossed swords and shield on her jacket were creased with dust and a few stray pieces of debris were stuck in her hair. The most eye-catching thing I saw was the small oval of dust against her red scarf on the back of her neck.

“Are you Ok, Mikasa?” Armin asked tentatively.

She nodded and spoke low, her usually cello type voice coming out a little scratchy. “I’m fine,” then she turned and looked at me over her shoulder and both Eren and Armin backed away a little; a look of fear on their faces.

“Hey…Mikasa,” I said awkwardly, hoping I hadn’t gone and made an enemy during my first attempt at doing the very opposite.

She stood up and I just remained on one knee, feeling uncertain of standing up. Her face was its usual neutral expression which meant I couldn’t tell if she was royally pissed or not. I was pleasantly surprised when she offered her hand out to me and I stared a moment before delicately taking it and standing, shaking her hand.

“That was a good move, who taught you how to fight?” she asked and gave me the tiniest of smiles.

“Thank you, my mom and my caretakers taught me. I could show you and some counters sometime if you’d like?” I offered and she nodded.

“That sounds good,” she said.

“Excuse me,” I turned back to Mr.Two-Tone and while he no longer looks angry, he was carefully stretching out his shoulders and grinning at me. “Now it’s my turn, I’d like to see you try and flip me!” he said pointing at me.

“Ok,” I said cheerily and walked over quickly.

I grabbed his wrist and made two wide circle motions with his arm, forcing him to either front flip or let me dislocate his shoulder. His ill-prepared front flip resulted in him landing feet first but not with enough balance to remain standing so he fell to his seat, looking startled. As the crowd erupted into laughter and cheers, even Mikasa was let out a small giggle; I patted his shoulders and bowed for my audience.

My heart was pounding in my chest and I could feel the adrenaline racing through my veins, making me feel like a bolt of lightning was swimming through my nerves. Mikasa had been a great challenge and Mr. Two-Tone was a good cool-down move. I smiled and was prepared to leave the crowd and head in to get cleaned up but I was stopped by someone else stepping up beside me.

“Alright, now it’s my turn.” Eren Jaeger was now standing beside me, stretching out his left shoulder that had a pattern of dust on it, suggesting that he’d landed on it before.

His teal eyes were alive with excitement and his smile also revealed his confidence, it caused a stir in me that I’ve never experienced before. My heart stuttered in my chest and honestly, I felt a little nauseous. Not enough to make me sick but enough to stay on my mind as I tried to ignore it.

From what I’d seen of him, he was a ball of pent up anger issues! He was the kind of person that easily gets mad and while he wouldn’t take it out on someone that doesn’t deserve it, he also struck me as the kind to punch a wall when upset. He did tend to spit more fire than anything else but his insatiable determination was vivid in his eyes and that reignited the adrenaline in my veins.

That being said, I couldn’t help but return his smile. My return of his grin, made him chuckle at me a little. “Just so you know, Eren; I’m not gonna play nice like I did with him.” I say, pointing over my shoulder.

“Fine with me, but what do you say we make this more interesting?” he offers, smirking at me.

That smirk caused a chill to race up my spine. What the heck is going on? I shook my head to clear it and dropped into my stance again, sliding my feet into their right positions. “What’d you have in mind?”

“Winner gets to have Armin for a study buddy for the next two whole months.” He says, quickly followed by a squeak from the crowd.

“I am not a bartering chip, Eren!” More than likely Armin but also gets followed by laughter from the rest of the cadets. I peaked towards where the voice came from and sure enough, saw a blonde mop of hair with a pink face and big blue eyes.

“So, what happens to the loser?” I ask when Eren laughs darkly and another chill shook its way up my spine.

“Hmm…” he touches his chin and looks upward, feigning deep thought and rousing a few laughs from the crowd again. “I think we’ll leave that up to the winner to decide.” He says then raises his arms and I quirk an eyebrow at him. “Deal?”

“You bet it is,” I say and Eren suddenly charged at me, signaling the beginning of the fight.

He swung for a punch but I dodged and moved to do the same take down I used on Mikasa but he back flipped up and out of my grasp and even smacked my forehead with the tip of his shoe in the process. I spun to deliver a kick to the hip mid landing and that had him stumble a little. In his stutter, I saw my opportunity and seized his arm at the wrist. I tried to do the two circles motion like I’d done to Two-Tone; figuring that putting him on his ass would put a quick end to this, but it backfired. I made the second circle and he front flipped but landed on his feet and turned to sweep my legs out from under me. I tensed to jump when suddenly everything slowed down around me…the world seemed semi-frozen and the roaring of the crowd turned into screaming.

It was as if the world around me had been drained of all its life and color, all those laughing, cheering expressions were suddenly transformed into ones of shrill, hope devouring panic!

My legs were swept out from under me and I used my grip on Eren’s wrist to pull myself forward; allowing me to roll through the fall and kneel a few feet from him. I had closed my eyes through that tumble and I let out a breath to steady myself but I was surprised by what I could only describe as I heard that familiar sound…the sound that haunted my nightmares for years and stole every peaceful sleep from me; the sound of the Colossal Titan kicking a hole through the gate of Wall Maria.

It was both a horrid image…but also a beautiful one too. My palm felt warm and I looked down at my open palm. I blinked and it was no longer before me, it was beside my head, raised and holding onto a larger more elegant one. I followed that arm and beheld the battle-ready goddess that was my beautiful mother; long (h/c) curly hair that hung almost to the ground, her white apron tied tight around her slim waist tightening her lifeless orange dress to hug her hourglass like figure. Her bright green eyes sparkled in the light of the afternoon; such beauty on such a horrible day was jarring to behold at the least.

The sun had already set in the sky and turned it orange when that horrible image peered over the wall and set everyone’s worst nightmares into motion! As soon as we felt that heavy beat in the ground and the screaming began, she grabbed my arm and ran inside quickly. She’d been talking but I can’t remember what she’d been saying as she guided me into her room and set me to stand on the bed.

She rooted through her chest and pulled out two mesh nettings and handed one to me.

“Here, cover your hair with it. Every strand must be covered, our fruity smell will draw them here!”

Once I’d completely draped every strand of hair into the net, she came over to me and covered my head with a (f/c) scarf. She then did the same with her hair, covered with a blue scarf. She grabbed a dark green dress from the wardrobe and rushed into my room and grabbed my deep red colored dress and stuffed them into a small satchel that she hung on her hip then picked me up and stood by the front door.

I could hear the screams, the sound of limbs falling from dismembered people, houses being destroyed in search of their residents…it made me feel sick and I clung tight to my mother as I cried. She could feel my trembling sobs and stroked my back softly.

“We need to be quiet now my darling, don’t make any sounds, no matter what happens you must be quiet and still. I will protect you but you must be strong, be brave.” She ordered calmly, her voice steady like a church hymn and I squeezed her. Stifling my sobs into her shoulder, a Titan’s foot slammed down outside the door; seeming to make the whole world shake to its core!

She pulled the door open and calmly began walking down the side walk in the direction the Titans were coming from and the direction people were running away from! I dared to open my eyes and watch the world from over my mothers’ shoulder as it fell apart and she continued to calmly walk. Titans and people would pass us by, not seeming to even notice us. A massive beast with a big ugly smile on it’s face, sinister and passed us by; seeming to run towards a horrible sound…something terrible that sounded like ‘Please live! Stay alive!’ and I shivered at the sound and squeezed my mother tighter.

“Mommy~” I squeaked and she squeezed me, shushing me quietly.

The next thing I knew, someone screamed ‘NOOO!!!!’ and I squeezed my mother as a loud crunching and squelching noise sounded from above and all I could smell was iron. I felt my belly lurch as we were showered and drenched in blood as it rained down over us and I squeezed my mother tighter, biting into her shoulder to silence myself. This warm, unmistakable stinking blood rain and it soaked deep into our clothes and scarves. The iron smell surely hid us from the Titans as they continued to pass us by without a care and I tried to not frantically cry out and wipe the bloody freckles on our cheeks…she just kept walking.

I closed my eyes, to hide from that horrible time in history and now I was standing in an unfamiliar room, barely lit by a single little candle. There were marks against the walls and drag marks in the floor that showed where furniture had once been and guided me to where it went. All the furniture was moved and in pieces now, beside a pathetic excuse for a fire. In the back of my head I felt the shivers in my goosebumps but I bit back my chill; if it were any bigger than mother and I would be found.

Another blink and I saw my mother lunging at me, holding a knife! I grabbed her armed wrist and pushed against it, making her miss me completely and then delivering a swift knee to her abdomen. She let out a loud ‘oof!’ and fell to her knees, dropping the knife. Once she’d caught her breath, she turned and looked up at me.

“Good, now let’s practice for if someone comes up behind you.”

Despite my mental pleads to build a bigger fire and go to sleep comfortably, I ignored them and reset the exercise again. As I finally gave in to that little chill racing up my back, I sunk my neck into my shoulders and clenched my eyes closed; scared of what I might see next upon opening them.

When I did, my body moved without me and fell into step; like a long-forgotten dance…

Step, parry, spin kick, punch and take down-

Opening my eyes, the room and furniture were gone; mother wasn’t with me anymore. She was up on a roof nearby, calling to a Titan and drawing it near to her. As it began to raise its hands up for her, she ordered down to me. “NOW, (F/N)!”

I suddenly burst from my hiding place, holding my makeshift dagger, I ran towards its feet and suddenly I leapt into the air! As if I was propelled by some hidden power, I jump so high, I knew the landing would hurt but I still sliced deep into the Achilles heel of the 3-Meter Titan, forcing it to fall. Still being pushed by that invisible force, I ran the length of its fallen body and jumped up onto it’s back; stumbling only slightly as I raised my dagger and aimed for the nape of its neck-

“WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!” I froze and found myself knelt over a wide-eyed Eren feeling my heart pounding in my chest as I held my old dagger over him, ready to strike!

I looked around the group of frightened cadets, slowly realizing how close I came to ending someone’s life! I stood up off of him and quickly sheathed my dagger into my boot, where I’d kept it for easy access just in case! I staggered back when I felt something drip from my chin and I reached up to wipe the itchy tears from my face. When had I started crying?

Looking right at Eren, I found myself replaying the shout he’d just expelled and a bell rang in my head. That little bell triggered my knees to fail me and my mouth to start moving before I could even think about where I was or who was around.

“Eren…what did your mother say to you before she died? What were her last words to you?”

His eyes widened and the group slowly began to disperse; feeling things had gotten a little too serious for their taste. His mouth hung open in shock, as if he couldn’t fathom someone daring to ask him that, then a loud bell rang in the distance; signaling the end of the exercise and to return to formation. There were those nosy or curious few that stayed behind to see the fall out but I wasn’t concerned with them, my eyes were trained on Eren and I couldn’t look away.

“Why does that matter?” he yelled, his voice somewhat gravely sounding from his growing upset.

It was like I could feel him getting angrier and angrier as I kept talking.

“Did she tell you to stay alive?” I asked and he and Mikasa stiffened, I struck a nerve. “Did she beg you to live?”

“Eren, we don’t have to listen to this-” Mikasa began, taking a defensive step forward and trying to guide him back but he shook her off.

“No, I wanna hear her,” he stormed over to me, visibly angry. “Why are you asking me that? Why do you think that you know anything about what happened to us?!” His voice was loud and I could feel his steps buzzing in the ground as he grew nearer to me…this impending motion didn’t stop my mouth.

“I think I remembered something about the day the wall fell…” he stopped before me, looking down at me on my knees as I just gazed up at his sweaty, handsome face. While the tears still rolled down my cheeks, my heart was pounding and the longer I looked at him…the more I wanted to say.

“I’m from Shiganshina…I think I used to live near you. My mother rushed me inside after the attack began and I remember her carrying me towards them…the Titans. She swore we’d be Ok…then we heard a woman scream, yell for someone to stay alive.” I felt that bell ring again but in my chest this time and it filled me with conviction as I kept talking. “Her blood…rained down over us and masked our smell in the stench of the dead…unintentionally promising our safety with her demise. I cried…horribly, I was so scared and confused but my mother just shushed me and kept walking-”

“Eren!”

*EREN*

Something in me snapped.

Promising our safety in her demise.

Stench of the dead.

I grabbed her by her shirt front and pulled her up, despite her knees refusing to support her weight even as I shook her. “HOW DARE YOU!? YOU WERE NEAR US AND YOU DID NOTHING?!? YOU COULD HAVE HELPED US! WE COULD HAVE SAVED HER!” I yelled into her face and she kept on crying while staring blankly at me. Her (e/c) eyes were wide and the pupils were shrunken, almost pinpoint sized as if she wasn’t looking at me…as if she was somewhere else entirely.

Is she that detached from reality?!

“Eren, stop it!” Mikasa shouted and ran forward, Armin following quickly.

They joined up beside me, trying to make me let go and suddenly the faraway look left (f/n)’s eyes. She wasn’t staring at nothing anymore, she looked right at me and the look I saw made my heart pinch inside; horror. Her eyes were alive again, those (e/c) pools searching my face for something when she grabbed my wrists and started to struggle.

“My mother told me to be quiet and I was terrified! I was just a little girl, what could I have done?!” she cried out and I shook her again, Armin and Mikasa both grabbing my arms.

“Eren, stop! You’re going to hurt her!” Armin tried but I wasn’t listening to him, I was solely focused on the words coming out of her mouth!

“You could have told her and turned around instead of sneaking off like little rats!” I yelled when Mikasa finally loosened my grip enough to make me let go but as (f/n) fell, I was so angry I snatched at the first thing I could and that ended up being her (f/c) bandana. Pulling it off her head freed her hair and caused her hair tie to snap with a loud, crisp ‘tsh’.

“That’s enough, Eren!” she yelled when (f/n)’s sobs finally reached me and I realized what I was doing.

Looking down at her, she was shaking violently and tears were streaming down her cheeks. Her (h/c) was disheveled and longer than I’d noticed before. Her (e/c) were shimmering in the sunlight as she watched me with wide, frightened eyes.

“Stop it, lets just go.” Mikasa insisted and started leading me away.

Armin lingered behind but came as soon as Mikasa called him to, the few remaining cadets dispersed and left (f/n) alone in the dust. As we started towards the rest of the group forming in the distance…I heard the faintest of voices.

“Was she hurt?” I stopped. “Tell me, please?” I turned and she was still sitting in the dirt, tears dripping from her chin.

“She…” I started as I felt that gone but never forgotten pain begin to spread through my chest again, like a sickness. “Her legs were broken…she was pinned under a beam. Both Mikasa and I were there…but we were too small, too weak. That thing…was closing in…my mother begged Hans to take us away…to save us and leave her.” I started forward again and left Armin and Mikasa as I walked back over to her.

“Eren…” she started as I drew near and I felt my chest continue to pinch.

“She was dug out of the rubble by that thing, it picked her up, snapped her back like a toothpick and ate her before my very eyes. That image will haunt my mind forever and…” I knelt down in front of her and she continued to stare at me. “You don’t have to say it…I know there was…nothing I could do. I was too little and too stubborn…there was no hope…”

And it was my fault

*SLAP*

I was shocked as a sharp sting began across my cheek and I almost didn’t even realize that she’d sat up a little to look at me, her tears still falling but her eyebrows furrowed, she was upset.

“You will not put that situation on yourself! It was absolutely not your fault in any way, shape or form! You’re not the one responsible for her passing, its those things! The Titans! They’re the ones to blame!” she yelled and I gritted my teeth.

“I know that already but if I had just-”

“I said shut up! You were a little boy, Eren! You were just a child! Mikasa, was just a child! All of us were only kids when that happened! We were children, we weren’t supposed to be strong or tough or better from not dying then-we were supposed to be safe! My mother always told me about how birds would lay their lives down to protect the nest of babies. A mother bird would allow herself to be eaten by a snake so that it would be too full to harm her babies and give them a better chance at survival! Today, she’s gone and so is my dad and so are my sisters and I am still here! I will not pretend like my mothers sacrifice meant nothing towards what I  will do and you shouldn’t either!” she yelled and got up, not even bothering to dust off her knees.

“Instead of wondering what could have been done differently and dwelling on the past, kill Titans and be a better man in honor of her  life ! Do not let her death overshadow all the things about her you love! It’ll rot your memories and taint them with blood and I don’t think you want that.” she snapped and I just stared as she stifled a sob and quickly wiped the still flowing tears from her cheeks with her sleeve as she turned and walked away. “I’m so sorry, forget all of this. I never should have participated in this exercise.” She started running off and before I could even call after her, she was a small blurry dot in my vision…far away from me as Shadis called out for us.


	4. Good Listener

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Following that massive clusterfuck of a training exercise, (f/n) starts getting to know some other cadets a little better despite her intentions not to make friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING – I Hate That I Love You will touch upon these topics in order to tell the story. In no way, shape or form are you meant to repeat or replicate the actions performed by the fictional characters within this work.  
> Reader discretion is advised. (Use common sense please)  
> Kidnapping, Torture, Medical Experimentation, Human Mutation, Sexual Assault, Sexual Abuse, Trauma, PTSD and Animal Abuse (for villainous purposes, not of our lead characters causing it. We don't stan animal abusers, period.)  
> Taking these warnings into account, enjoy :3

I was sitting up on a cliff edge, looking out over the mesa as I contemplated my next move. My belly was doing summersaults as my humiliation and guilt roughed me up inside.

From my place it was shady and breezy, comfortably cool as I watched the other cadets gather. Shadis called for their attention; despite my being too far to hear, them falling into salute told me so. I also felt my heart do double time as I could see Eren’s brown head of hair step forward. 

Cheeks aflame, muscles clenched, I felt the color drain from my face as Eren suddenly pointed directly up at my ‘hiding spot’.  Shit

I took a deep breath, gathering up my courage to be punished in front of everyone. Dusting off my pants as I stand; I’m mentally steeling my dignity I turned to leave my ledge and ran right into Levi who stood with his arms crossed, glaring down at me. He wasn’t that much taller than I was but I was still pretty damn small by comparison. The screwed-up thing was I think it pleased him a little; being taller than someone beneath him for once.

“Oh no,” I said as I raised a hand to hide my shame.

“Is that any way to greet a Captain?” he asks and I straighten my back and look up to him.

“Sorry…please tell me you’re just here to visit?” I asked, puppy dog eyes in full swing; but his ever stoic made my hopeful smile fade.

“Please don’t insult my intelligence like that.” He says bluntly.

“I know, sorry.” I apologized, bowing my head and sinking back down to my seat, crossing my legs.

Levi stepped to my side and knelt down beside me, his shoulder brushing mine. I dare to look over at the cadets and was somewhat relieved to find that Shadis had continued without me.

“You know why I’m here; we need to talk. What happened out there today?” he asks and I keep staring at the other cadets.

“I really don’t know-OUCH!” I shouted when he smacked me upside the back of my head.

“What did I just say about insulting my intelligence?” his glare intensifying on me as I keep my hands over the back of my head.

“I mean it! I can’t really explain what happened out there!” I rush out, feeling even smaller beside him.

“Then walk me through it, it happened moments ago so there is no way you’ve already forgotten.” He said evenly, making me feel that much more on edge than if he’d been yelling.

I looked down at my knees, clad in the white uniform pants. My stress quickly turned to numbness, my head feeling heavy as I started explaining. “I was sparring with Eren and it was like the moment he got the upper hand on me; I was back at home when the Titans got in. In the blink of an eye I wasn’t in the field anymore, I was with my mom and we were running from the Titans. I remembered that I used to live close to Eren…on that day…” I was hit again with that flash of terror as blood rained down over us and it sent a shiver up my back. “I think I heard his mother die; her blood poured down over my mother and me, it was awful.” I raised my legs up off the ledge and pushed my forehead into my knees, trying to push that memory into the back of my mind where it should have stayed. I could still smell the coppery stench of blood on the back of my tongue.

“How are you sure?” he asked, lowering his voice to a softer tone.

“I can feel it, I know that’s not very logical but something in my bones is telling me that it was her…I could even hear Eren screaming out for her.” I curled up tighter, hugging my knees to my chest and clenching my jaw at the ache that spawned hearing his broken scream. I could feel where my hair had dragged itself off the edge with its own weight, billowing in the breeze like a long (h/c) ribbon.

Levi’s silent presence beside me makes my upset easier to bare and he reached an arm out, grasping my shoulder and squeezing. “You can’t dwell on things like that, it doesn’t help you. Though it is a painful memory, you grew from it and learned from it, you might have turned into a different person if you hadn’t experienced what you did.” His voice is low, centralized and brought me to raise my head and look out over the land.

The dried out dusty earth kicked up with the wind and danced in small tornadoes; a beautiful mess of a ballet and I remembered my early days training here. Push-ups, runs, sparring; I remembered how that dust would cling to my clothes as dew clings to leaves in the morning.

It was a massive flatland carved into the earth; the lowest point was the mesa on which the other cadets currently stood. To the east there was a taller almost mountain like cliff, one of the many shorter ledges that made it up serving as my hiding spot. There was a watch tower set atop a higher plain with two inclines that lead out of the large basin. Atop that same plain, overlooking the plateau were the bunks, mess hall and storage units.

Outside the basin was a huge plain with a fence surrounding it completely with the stables a stone throw from us. I felt my heart swell as I looked down over this place again, remembering the nights I spent in the bunks, watching the other cadets as some would return from training…and others would only return to pack and leave.

“We sometimes have to go through hardships because we are always being tested and those tests are getting harder the longer, we pretend the walls will always protect us.” I looked up at him and saw something odd in his eyes…a strange look, a fondness of sorts. “Sometimes, important people are lost during those tests and it becomes harder to move on. The space they once occupied forever empty but the ghost of their presence clings to you.” He stands up and offers his hand to me, patiently waiting till I take it and helping me to stand.

Only now I notice that he isn’t wearing his green cloak; probably not wanting to be noticed being so close to the bootcamp.

“Moving on and having to suppress the desire to talk to them again is painful…but you have to be strong. Fortunately, you are strong…you just have a lot of what some may call baggage.”

“And you don’t?” I ask and he lets out a sigh.

“These days, we all do. You were right about one thing though, as children…you’re meant to be safe. I wish you and the lot of us could have grown up in a world without Titans, but a wish it remains.” His gaze on me grows cold and I set my shoulders back, taking my salute for him. “You are growing up though and you have to face the real world now and it is not kind. Also…” He reaches out and lowers my fist from my chest. “While the formalities are appreciated, you don’t have to salute me when it’s just us.”

I smiled and he patted my shoulder, straightening the collar of my shirt. “Ok Levi, thank you.”

“Don’t thank me yet,” he says as he points down at the cadets. “Now get down there and take your lumps like a good soldier!” he ordered and I nodded.

I turned and started climbing down the massive rocks, wondering how well I’ll fair against Shadis once I get down there…but I know far better than to think I’d stand a chance.  Shit

“Here sir,” I say as I run up to the ranks, taking my position in line but Shadis’ eyes didn’t leave me.

Without turning his head from me, he motioned for me to step forward and I hesitated a moment before going over to stand before him, holding my salute. He knelt down in front of me and patted down my right leg, pressing my concealed dagger against my calf and making me jump a little. He looked up at me and a cold sweat broke out on my forehead. He carefully removed the dagger and stood up, presenting it to me.

“What the hell is that?”

“My dagger sir,” I said, my voice starting to shake.

“Why do you have that?” he presented the handle to me but I knew better than to even attempt to take it back.

“For safety purposes sir,” I tried to keep my answers clipped and simple; no reason to pry further.

“Care to explain  why you feel the need to carry this around during training exercises?” he asks and I resist the urge to lower my eyes.

“I uh…” I stuttered.

“SPEAK UP CADET (L/N)!” he demanded, startling me.

“I always have it with me…I…forgot that I had it.” I say, hiding the fact that I felt uncomfortable without the dagger in my boot.

“Did you use this on fellow cadets during todays combat training?” he asks and a small ripple goes through the others but I remain still.

“Just Cadet Jaeger, sir.” I said, my cheeks starting to burn.

Shadis looked down at me and tapped my head with the handle of my dagger. “I’m very disappointed in you,” they froze.

I could feel the other cadets looking at me in the same way Eren was; wide eyed and scared looking. I was praying that my face wasn’t as pink as it felt. I knew they were confused, why was Shadis talking to me like that. It wasn’t because I was a girl, because he made Sasha run until she almost died on her first day.

What none of them knew was that after my mother died, I was brought here to stay. Petra and Levi would look in on me often to see how I was and Shadis would look after me. He however didn’t know how to interact with me and not be a sergeant, so my upbringing here was more militant. He’d watched me grow and helped me prepare to tell Levi that I wanted to join the Scouts.

“Luckily you didn’t hurt anyone but that kind of behavior is unacceptable.” He says then tucks my dagger into his jacket. “I’ll be keeping this,” he says and I let out a silent breath.

“Yes sir,” I expected as much.

“Go run 250 laps around the camp, no breaks.” He says with a sigh, knowing that to be fair he had to dole out a physical punishment as well as a verbal one. Due to our history however, he can’t really raise his voice to me…so my physical punishment was going to have to make up for it.

“Yes sir,” I said, a small squeaking sound coming from me; similar to that of a mouse.

“Get going,” He nodded off in the direction in which I should start and I started away from the others, trying not to show my tail tucked between my legs.

The sun has fallen mostly behind the horizon, painting the sky a vivid golden orange that slowly faded into this indigo and violet gradient. Speckled with white twinkling freckles, the sky above was still not enough to distract me as I started my 237th lap around the camp.

My legs felt like logs, my chest felt like fire and my head…don’t get me started. I passed by the mess hall and spotted a few kids on the porch, watching me run. I looked away from them and continued to run; them watching me didn’t shame me in the slightest. My voice crack earlier however had embarrassed me terribly.

Looking up from the dirt, I saw the light tower which I’d been using as my marker to tell me when my next lap began. Beginning lap 238; I recalled that I’d be going to bed without dinner since I’d been running through dinner time. During lap 126, I caught a beckoning whiff of the food and sighed with longing. They made mashed potatoes and chicken tonight!! We wouldn’t be eating as well tomorrow since there would likely be nothing left over; an extension of the punishment I suppose.

I heard what sounded like my running steps echoing right behind me and I looked over my shoulder to see Eren running up and falling into step beside me. I kept my eyes on him for a moment when he glanced down at me. “Um…hey-” I start but I stepped onto the edge of a gopher hole and fell; getting a face full of dirt and laying on my chest again.

My limbs all began to shut down, the muscles relaxing in a way most painful when a tight grip under my elbow pulls me to my knees and I stumble to stand. Eren has grabbed my arm and is pulling me to get me back on my feet.

“Get up, quickly! If you lose your momentum that’ll just make the last laps seem longer, now come on!” he orders and I hurried after him.

I ground my teeth together and clenched my aching muscles, falling back into that slow rhythm despite that momentary stop. I couldn’t have been down for more than five seconds and my body was so ready to settle in right there on the ground!

Regaining that same tempo as before, with Eren at my side this time; I looked up at him again. It was a long and awkward silence as we ran before, I decided to talk. “Why are you doing this?”

“Are you related to Shadis?” he asks, proverbially slapping my question out of the air.

“No, I just train here, like you.” I reply quickly.

“I’m not dumb, he didn’t completely rip into you for the dagger; thanks for not killing me by the way. You guys have to be related somehow,” he says as we passed the watch tower, signaling the start of lap number 239.

“Listen, I’m not really supposed to talk about it; I don’t want you guys to think I get special treatment or something.” I say, trying to shake him off the subject but he laughed.

A hooting noise but almost lyrical. “You call  this special treatment? Now you really owe me an answer because that doesn’t make sense.”

I couldn’t suppress my own little snort of laughter. “I guess you’ve got me there,”

“So, are you his niece or daughter?”

“Neither, I’m an orphan. My mother died two years after the wall fell, I had two sisters but they died during the attack. My dad died the year before…fever got him.” I say, recalling the fond images of my family seated round the dinner table and sharing stories from the day.

“I’m sorry, to lose them all at once is one thing but the space between can make it worse.” He says and I nod.

“Yeah, its like just as I’m about to get back on my feet without them, I lost another one.” That familiar twinge of loneliness in my heart made me wrinkle my nose and press on forward.

“So, how’d you end up with Shadis?”

“My mother’s passing resulted in me getting left in the care of the Scouts. They didn’t have time for a kid but Petra couldn’t bring herself to let me go. Orphanages were overflowing at the time and my mother had pled with her to take care of me. They decided to leave me here since there were always open bunks, Shadis took care of me and they’d look in on me. This place is…pretty much my backyard.” I say, wiping some sweat dripping from the side of my face.

“I could understand you falling into  someone’s care but…I don’t understand how you’d end up with him?” He said and I bit the inside of my cheek.

“It’s a really long story…and I mean no offense when I say this, but I don’t think I know you well enough to tell you that.” I say and he smiled over at me.

“I understand,”

Looking up, I spotted the watch tower again and I grunted angrily. “Damn it! How many times have we passed the tower?”

“Twice, why?”

“It’s how I kept count of the laps.” I say, doing some mental math.

If we passed it twice then we’re on lap 241, 9 left to go; I continued running with him at my side now. We started talking more about his friends and how they managed to survive after the attack.

He then got this dreamy look in his eyes and something changed in him. Maybe it was the way his voice rumbled near the end of his sentences or how the last gleam of daylight gently cast a golden halo in his hair.

“We watched so many people succumb to their sadness and for a little while, I thought we might end up like them. Armin, Mikasa and I all have something that we clung to, something that kept our hopes up so that we could be here now. When we were kids, Armin shared this book with me and it talked about the world before Titans. There were massive cities, incredible architecture and beaches as far as the eye could see.”

“Beaches?” I tilted my head; I’d never heard of such a thing. “What’s a beach?”

“It’s this beautiful, sandy coastline that edges the ocean. The water is crystal clear and filled with salt, crashing against the shore and it’s full of fish too! The outside world has a beauty that is being held hostage by the Titans and I’m determined to see it all with my own eyes.” He says and I swear there was this sparkle in his eyes.

The passion he held had me envisioning this idea of a huge lake but it was so big I couldn’t see land on the other side. Water so clear that I could see the bottom where the fish would swim, it sounded like a fairytale.

I started wondering what I was fighting for…he was fighting for this dream he firmly believed in. I had only thought of becoming a Scout and telling them about my time with my mother among the Titans…but what then?

Did I want to move past that? I could become a star soldier like Petra or Levi, I could become like Erwin…or I could retire like my mother and build a family…mother.

I looked up at Eren and recalled the things I said earlier and I took a deep breath to steady my voice, my racing heart making it hard to form words correctly.

“Eren, I’m really sorry about the things I said today. It was very insensitive and I shouldn’t have talked like that.”

He looks down at me and suddenly races ahead of me, blocking my path and waiting for me. I moved to run around him but he lunged at me and picked me up; throwing me over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes and carrying me off.

“Eren! What are you doing!? We’re not done yet!!” I complained, struggling a little to get down as my ankles began to hum with exhaustion.

“We? I joined you because I wanted to, I could have stopped anytime I wanted.” He said, affirming his grip on my hips to keep me on his shoulder.

“SO WHY ARE YOU CARRYING ME AWAY?!!” I complained, my hair falling over my shoulder now and swaying behind him, bumping his butt as he walked towards the bunks.

“Because you lost count, we ran for a little over 300 laps.” He says and my body deflates on his shoulder.

“That’s not very nice Eren,” I say weakly as my body falls into a state of heat, radiating with pain.

“Consider it payback for almost killing me earlier.” He says and as we reach the steps to the bunks, he sets me down on the stairs, my legs feeling full of pins and needles. “By the way, its Ok. We all had a hard time after the wall fell, to be honest I can’t exactly remember everything about that time either. I don’t blame you for remembering something, Armin says that sometimes it’s our minds way of coping with something hard.” He says, leaning against the rail.

“Yeah?”

“He told me that sometimes, in times of great stress, our brain will suppress the memories so that we don’t remember it. Over time though, the memories act like a bad itch; coming back and hitting us later in life. Sometimes it’s a part of growing up…it sucks and the memories can hurt…but ignorance is not always bliss.” He looked out over the land and sighed, a glare crossing his eyes. “A lesson we all learned the hard way years ago.”

“I didn’t peg you as the philosophical type.” I say and he turns to me, smiling as that shimmery halo from the last rays of the sun disappears and plunges the remaining orange sky into dark blue, white sparkling stars beginning to multiply across the sky.

“Ha, you think so?” he says and laughs softly before turning towards me. “Are we Ok now?” He asks as he extends his hand to me.

“Yeah, we’re Ok.” I say and reach out to take his hand.

His palm is tough skin but comfortably warm and it sent a small shudder through my heart as I squeezed it and shook. I don’t think he felt a similar shudder as he didn’t betray anything, looking directly at me with the strong smile.

After getting cleaned up, I went into the mess hall, everyone had already gone to bed and there were no lights on save for the small red robin lantern I carried. It was a glass piece with a metal handle molded into it with a delicate red robin design on it with a small nest like spot inside for the candle.

I had even gone as far as getting into pajamas only to wrap my blanket around myself and go in search of something to eat. I spotted the single candle over where Armin was sitting with a book in his hands. I saw an untouched plate of food beside him and when he looked up-no doubt sensing my presence-he waved at me.

“Hey there (f/n), come here.” He gestured at the plate and I tried not to rush like a ravenous beast.

My eyes were settled on the food, still steaming a little-IT WAS WARM!! The mashed potatoes were yellow with butter and the chicken was a perfect golden-brown color.

“Eren managed to save some food from dinner, it was a bit of a challenge since Sasha was hell bent on having it herself. Fortunately, Mikasa kept her busy while we hid the plate.” He smiled up at me and I sat down next to him, shifting my gaze up from the food to him.

I’m also somewhat trying not to tear up, my belly was empty and my stomach was doing a tap dance, I was so ready to just dig in! I felt like such a damn gremlin, looking at this food like a wolf looks at a wounded deer.

“Thank you, Armin, but why are you out here by yourself?”

“You technically won the fight earlier so I’m your study buddy for the next two months,” he grinned, be it somewhat uncomfortable.

Coming to this realization made me realize that despite me almost killing his best friend and getting embarrassed in front of them all, Eren still came out to run with me and they all chipped in to make sure I had food tonight. I couldn’t suppress the warmth starting to drip down my face and Armin’s face quickly paled and he stood up, reaching towards me but not touching me.

“What’s wrong? Why are you crying?”

“I’m…happy and sad at the same time. You guys are so nice to me after everything that happened today! I almost really hurt Eren, maybe even killed him and yet, you guys still saved me a plate. I don’t know what to say…” Wiping the hot tears from my cheeks. He placed a hand on my shoulder and I raised my eyes to meet his, the tiny reflection of candlelight in his eyes.

“No, it’s alright. We could kinda see that there’s something important there between you and Shadis. We just felt bad, its embarrassing to be scolded in front of your peers like that. I guess its more awkward for you because you are family.”

“But I’m not-ugh! It’s such a long story!” I sighed, sitting down at the table and biting my tongue.

I leaned down and sniffed; bringing a smile to my face instantly. A warm sheen reddened my wet cheeks as the smell of boiled chicken and buttery mashed potatoes overwhelmed my hungry senses. 

I looked over at Armin who seemed to be pondering on something, his brow was furrowed and his eyes seemed as if they were looking elsewhere. “How do you know Shadis?” he finally said as he sat down across from me. 

I sighed and put my hands on my lap, I never talked to anyone about it…I even refused to tell Eren before. Some part of me wanted to keep my mouth shut but another part of me wanted to just open the flood gates and let everything out. “Well, it's a  really long story...” 

“I'm a good listener,” he offered and smiled at me. He seemed way too cheery to be a soldier then again you can never tell what's in a book by the cover.

“Ok, two years after the Titans got in, I lost my mother to the titans and I was taken in by the Scouts. Petra had been entrusted with me as my mother’s dying wish and so I was brought here and while Shadis took care of me-or, to be more accurate he taught me how to care for myself-the Scouts would look in on me regularly.” 

“Wow, so they had Shadis  raise you?” he asked putting an elbow on his book. 

“Sort of...if you want to call kicking my ass in training everyday raising me then yeah, he raised me.” I said, recalling how the training happened every day before I even wanted to join the Military. 

Armin smiled. “Wow, so what do you plan on doing when we finish training, where are you gonna go?” he asked awkwardly, trying to draw the conversation in a less prying direction. 

“I’m joining the Scouts, there’s a research branch there and I’d like to be a part of it. Without knowledge, we wouldn’t have the thread we’re holding onto to survive.” I say, knowing that if we’re smarter than our enemy, we can defeat our enemy. 

Armin nodded at me. “Sounds like we’ll be seeing you on the other side then because that’s what we plan on doing too.” He grinned. 

“Really, why are you guys joining?” I asked.

Maybe I should have put two and two together when Eren talked about seeing a beach. How else are you going to see the world if you don’t venture out? 

“Well, we want to see the world beyond the walls, we read all kinds of things in an old book my grandpa used to have hidden away.” He said, lowering himself and whispering like it was a secret so I lowered myself as well.

“Eren mentioned something like that, it sounds like a dream.” I whispered.

“Dreams are sometimes the only thing we have, its all we had for a long time.” He says, this boyish delight coming over his face.

I envied their hopeful outlook; I was chasing a singular goal but they were looking far into the future ahead of me. It’s amazing, the way they find something to look forward to when the world has literally taken everything they have.

“Hey Armin, you can go ahead and get some rest, we can study another night but thank you and tell Eren I said thank you too.”

*EREN*

The sound of Armin returning to the room had Connie light the candle nearest the door and startling him as we all sat up and looked at him; his book tucked under his arm.

“Did you guys stay up waiting for me to come back?” He asked, sounding a little flustered.

“We wanted to know what happened,” Jean said leaning over the edge of his bed lazily, the strap of his tank top slipping off his shoulder.

“If you were curious, why didn’t you guys just come with me?” he asks, placing the book under his pillow and changing into his night shirt.

“Armin,” I asked and he looked up at me. My bed was the top bunk to his so I had to lean over the edge to see him. “Is she alright?”

“Tired but yeah, she’s Ok. She appreciates the plat…she cried.” He says and I raise my eyebrows when he sits down on the edge of his bed. “Did you guys know that Shadis raised her?”

“I mean, the way he punished her today, of course they’re related.” Bertolt mentions but Armin shakes his head.

“No, they’re not related. He took care of her after Maria fell, her mom entrusted her to Petra from Team Levi and they housed her here to look after her. Her mom was killed by the Titans and I guess Petra couldn’t leave her fate to chance.” He says when Reiner’s bunk creaks as he leans over the edge to look at us.

“When did her mom die?”

“She said two years after the attack,” Armin says, tilting his head.

“Then how did the Titans kill her? Two years after the wall fell, she and her mother would have been inside Wall Rose, so how would the Titans have gotten to her?” he says and that’s when the gears started turning.

He’s right, it doesn’t make sense. If her mother was killed by Titans, they would have had to be outside the wall…but civilians can’t go outside the walls without being noticed at least! Certainly someone getting outside would have gotten all over the place if that’s how it happened.

“He’s right, she couldn’t have died that way.” Sasha adds, popping her shoulder as she snuggles under her blanket.

“But why would she lie to me?” Armin questioned, seeming rather hurt at the implication.

“She told me that she didn’t know me well enough to tell me too much, maybe there’s more to it that she’s just not sharing with us.” I say and Armin nods up at me.

“She did tell me it was a  really  long story, she probably kept it short.”

“There’s still one thing that I’m not getting,” Connie adds, sitting up.

“What?”

He motioned for me to come closer and I leaned over the gap between our beds and he leaned over, cupping one hand around his mouth. “How long has Sasha been in here?” he whispered pointing over at Sasha who was settled into a bed beside the door.

There was a pang of intrusion through all of us and it occurred to me that we changed for bed less than 15 minutes ago! How long  has she been in here!?

“SASHA, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?” We started yelling and wound up waking everyone; a perfect start to a new day.


	5. Started With A Spark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Burning and fiery romances...all started somewhere.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING – I Hate That I Love You will touch upon these topics in order to tell the story. In no way, shape or form are you meant to repeat or replicate the actions performed by the fictional characters within this work.  
> Reader discretion is advised. (Use common sense please)  
> Kidnapping, Torture, Medical Experimentation, Human Mutation, Sexual Assault, Sexual Abuse, Trauma, PTSD and Animal Abuse (for villainous purposes, not of our lead characters causing it. We don't stan animal abusers, period.)  
> Taking these warnings into account, enjoy :3

After one of my toughest days here and absolutely pouring myself into bed that night, to say I woke up grumpy was an understatement. To say I was even grumpier because I was awoken by loud shouting and arguing, was sugar coating it entirely!

I jumped out of bed and threw my door open, seeing other female cadets running down the hall, so I rushed out after them. I could feel the ends of my hair trailing behind me like a long (h/c) cape. I felt my head snap backwards a moment as a cadet ran up behind me and stepped on my hair. The act caused me to fall backwards and I yelped; clutching the wall to keep myself standing up.

“Sorry!” someone yelled and continued running towards the yelling.

I pulled my hair up and wrapped it around my arm like a long scarf and continued racing forward, my anger was literally about to boil over. I’m exhausted and sore, I was awoken very suddenly and my neck was now aching from getting snapped back so suddenly.

I got to the point where all the halls intersect where a massive crowd had formed and everyone was yelling. I started pushing myself through the massive crowd, getting a few shoves back for my trouble which I quickly returned again. I finally managed to get to the front when I found Ymir and Krista standing with Sasha who was crying and Jean and Connie yelling at them! Some gentlemen…

“What the hell were you doing in the boys’ bunks, Sasha?!” Connie yelled! Connie yelled, pointing at her, his cheeks bright red.

“Who cares about the bunk I was in?! We’re missing breakfast time!!” she yelled and I felt my cheek press against my shoulder as I tilted my head.

_Of course, that’s why she’s crying. Jean, Connie…I’m sorry._

“She was in there while we got changed!” Jean added, pointing an accusatory finger but Ymir slapped his hand away, pointing right back at him.

“Don’t even, you guys would have been pining to see us get changed! How does it feel to have the tables turned?” she shouts when Krista reaches out to her.

“Ymir, please stop yelling.”

Everyone on either side was just wailing and screaming, bringing up things that didn’t have anything to do with this situation that I _still_ didn’t even know anything about! This noise was just bouncing off the walls and my head was absolutely throbbing…my blood had already been boiling but by this point, it was absolutely LAVA!

“EVERYBODY SHUT THE HELL UP!!!” My voice rose above the din and all the shouting fell dead silent.

Everyone’s eyes fell to me and there was this awkward silence as I pinched the bridge of my nose, trying to make my brain catch up to the chaos. Now what? I can’t just have them talk it out, they’ll just yell again and my headache will get worse. I didn’t blame them for not being in the mood to chat and I still didn’t really know what happened. I turned to Sasha and suppressed my urge to growl.

“Sasha, what happened last night?”

“Um…after dinner I went to find another plate but they wouldn’t let me have it!” she points at Eren, Mikasa and Armin, the two boys covering their mouths and snickering. How are those two clowns laughing right now? “After they took the plate away, feeling weak with hunger, I took a bath and I went to bed.” She said, wiping her tears and I felt a vein pop up on my head.

“Ok…so you went to bed, did you think anything was strange?” I ask when she immediately calms down and starts to visibly ponder.

“Um…” she seems deep in thought when I can’t help but notice her clothes. She’s still wearing her uniform from yesterday, wrinkled and sloppy looking.

“Sasha, why are you still wearing your uniform from yesterday?” I ask and everyone seems to be taking notice for the first time as well.

“Oh, I went into the bedroom but I couldn’t find any of my things. I just found other people’s stuff so I just put it all back on and crawled into my bed.” She says when Armin gets this pale look on his face.

“Wait a minute! Does that mean you’re the one who left wet finger prints all over my books?!” he yelps and Eren’s laughter breaks into loud gasps, quickly followed by groans and others laughing when Sasha starts crying again.

“I WAS TRYING TO GET CHANGED FOR BED AND I GOT A FEW THINGS WET SO I JUST PUT IT BACK AND WENT TO BED!!” she cries when Armin starts yelling as well.

“You just dug through other people’s things!?” he shouted, seeming to go white as a sheet when Connie stepped up again.

“That’s an invasion of privacy!!”

“MY STUFF WASN’T WHERE IT BELONGED SO I THOUGHT SOMEONE TOOK IT ALL!” she shouted when Krista managed to reel her in and began patting her head.

I let my head fall into my hand and let out a sigh. “Oh my goodness, my head is going to pop.” I mumble as the yelling continues and I feel something in my brain snap. “THAT’S ENOUGH!” I yelled and a nearby window cracked, causing a few cadets beside it to jerk away and shriek.

That grumpy, sleepy haze that coated my world suddenly lifted and all eyes fell to me. I just broke a window…with my voice…I’m scared when Reiner speaks up.

“Damn, those are some pipes you got there (f/n).”

I clear my throat before straightening my back. “Thanks, listen…it sounds like in her hungry daze, Sasha went into the wrong room. I’m also gonna go out on a limb here and say she was probably out like a wet candle when you guys went and got changed.”

“I didn’t even know anyone was in the room until they started yelling.” She admits, her cheeks still wet.

There seemed to be a collective sigh as Jean rubbed his temples and Connie shook his head before looking at her. “Ok…maybe we overreacted a little.”

Sasha’s face lit up like the sun. “It's OK, you can just give me your toast and we'll call it even.”

Connie smiled sadly at her and offered her his hand. “Deal, my toast is yours.”

I clapped twice above my head to get everyone’s attention, minus the breaking window. “Ok you guys, nothing more to see, it was just a misunderstanding. If we don’t start getting ready soon, we’ll all be running laps tonight.”

There’s a light rumble of laughter as everyone quickly bustles off, emptying the hall within a moment. I take a deep breath and go over to the window that cracked, leaning close to look at the glass. The damage wasn’t catastrophic, just a hairline crack through one of the panes. My brain was so focused on trying to figure out how I caused that when someone stepped up beside me and I turned to see it was Eren, also examining the glass. I was suddenly aware of my white tank top with the broken right strap and raised hem and blue frilly shorts. I was a fit girl but that didn’t mean I wanted to advertise that. I felt naked standing beside him, as if my pajamas were completely transparent.

The thought of his eyes roaming over my body made my heart set fire. I crossed my arms over my stomach and grasped my hips; trying to cover myself even just a little.

“Looks like you’re going to be the ring leader around here.” He says and I turned to him quickly.

“Come on, it’s not like that!” I say and he started laughing and I couldn’t help but join him as well.

The way his face just beamed when he smiled was so boyish and sweet, it made me want to share in that joy. This felt so awkward that I found it stupidly funny.

“I know, but I haven’t seen you make any attempt to interact with us until yesterday. Though, looking back, that wasn’t exactly your choice.” He says and I bowed my head, letting out the tiniest of snorts and slapping my hand over my mouth.

He chuckles and walks past me; I could unmistakably smell him; he’d just bathed so he smelled like soap and slowly drying skin. My throat went dry as he held my gaze, smiling at me. “Still, I’m glad to see you branching out. Life is better when you’re not alone,” he then turned and started down the hall. “It was cool seeing you step up like that though, you looked right at home taking command.”

My heart leapt at the compliment and the look in his eyes seemed to pique my interest as he left. I slowly started towards my room, unraveling my hair from my arm and allowing it to drag behind me again. Once in my room, I leaned against the door to close it. Why was my heart pounding? I felt like I was sweating really heavily. For some reason, the look in his blue eyes wouldn’t leave my mind. The look he gave me had sent me into a tizzy.

He’s so no nonsense all the time, it seemed a ridiculous thought but my brain started putting pieces together despite there being no picture to form. His confidence during sparring, he came out and ran laps with me, saved a dinner plate and that compliment just now with that look in his eyes. WAIT!

I slapped myself across the face and let out a loud breathy sigh; what am I thinking right now? I’m not here to make friends or date! I am on a mission to make a history changing impact by joining the scouts and as much as I wanted to pursue this impromptu interest, I’ve gotta get it together.

Besides, today is a very important day for us…3DMG Training.

Gathering out on the plains, Shadis set us into lines before the gargantuan mechanisms. Tall figures that gleamed in the sunlight, glaring like trees over us meager beings. Their massive metal posts imbedded into the ground, firmly planted there with two long cables hanging down by two people; one instructor and a senior cadet.

I was fourth in line and started imagining how people were meant to move whilst using their 3DMG; flying through the air yet still tethered down. The perfect yet dangerous pattern, like building a spider web while a cat was batting at you. They began by hooking us into our many intricate belts to keep the weight distribution easy on our bodies and then hoist us up with a crank handle. We were held there for a few minutes to see how we faired while suspended.

This test was future defining, if we failed then we’d be sent off to work in the fields with the people who didn’t want to even attempt at becoming a soldier. I never thought much of people that work in the fields, my father had worked as a carpenter so I never saw how it affected people firsthand but I saw it in our neighbors. There was this deep-seated part of me that sent disdain through my veins, I would _never_ work in the fields. I couldn’t make any sort of difference that way and I wouldn’t survive that unending monotony.

“Psst,” I heard from my left and turned to see Eren waving at me.

I felt a small smile spread across my face and he gave me a thumbs up which I moved to return but I was surprised by someone draping their arm over my shoulder and flipping Eren off. I turned my head and just kind of stared, he had black hair, green eyes and a jaw that could cut through metal. Then he turned to me and smiled, winking at me.

Ok, yuck.

I pushed my arm closest to him against his jaw and used my other arm to hold onto that same wrist; framing off his neck and pushing him off of me and out of line. Eren snickered and he returned his middle-fingered gesture, making me smirk at him and he scoffed before whispering to me.

“Is he bothering you, (f/n)?” he asks and I shake my head, adjusting my ponytail; purposefully slapping his face with the (h/c) tresses as I tightened it up.

“ _You’re_ bothering me, Ian.” I say and he gasps.

“Hey! You know my name!” His hand finds my shoulder again and I just push it off.

“I know everyone’s name, you’re not special. Can you stop touching me?” I say and he raises his hands, stepping back but not quite out of my bubble.

“Sorry, sorry; you just looked like you needed a little back up.” He says and I can’t fight the squinty eyed look I give him.

“Back up? For what?”

“I just thought he was bothering you; I saw him looking at you this morning; eyeing you like a perv.” He says and I think my eyes would have rolled out of my sockets were they able. “Just be careful around those Shiganshina kids, they _saw_ the Titans so they’re not quite Ok in the head.” He warns.

I widened my eyes and feigned shock. “Oh wow, really?”

His eyebrows lift when he rests his arm on my shoulder, not placing his hand but resting his forearm; his fingers touching the back of my neck and making me feel uncomfortable.

“Yeah! Everyone that got out of Shiganshina is damaged goods, they won’t last long here.” He says with this smugness that made me think, he needs a good punch but I restrained myself.

“That’s such a coincidence…” I start with a flutter of my eyes before steeling my expression and staring into his eyes. “Because I’m from Shiganshina too,” I say and smile, shrugging as he seems to go pale and I can hear people all around us snickering as Ian’s smile faded. “Damn, guess my days are numbered Ian. Haven’t you heard? I’m not alright in the head.” I say when he places a hand on my shoulder again, quickly backpedaling in his insult but a shadow looms over us and I have to bite my tongue to keep from smiling super wide.

Ian didn’t realize as he was too busy trying to hit on me and basically everyone else saw Shadis glaring over him; restraining themselves. Shadis has taken care of me for the last few years; he’s basically my adoptive father. If I knew one thing about dad’s, they didn’t like boys sniffing around their girls. Watching him inhale sent my excited anticipation into the stratosphere!

“ARE YOU HARD OF HEARING?! HANDS TO YOURSELF CADET!” He yelled and Ian looked like he’d just shit himself as he quickly dropped into salute and faced Shadis.

“SORRY SIR!”

“Up front Cadet Wiles, since you’re so antsy; you can go first!” he points up at the front and in his panic Ian’s voice cracks.

“THANK YOU, SIR, SORRY SIR!” he raced up to the front when Shadis turned his attention to me; still saluting and trying so very hard not to laugh.

“Are you going to continue attracting problems?” he asks in a terrifyingly calm voice.

“I can’t say sir,” I say as I continue fighting the urge to laugh, my cheeks turning pink; hearing the people all around us resist the urge to burst at my reply.

“Up front Cadet (l/n), you get to go next.” He says and walks forward, expecting me to follow.

“Yes sir, thank you sir.” I say and continue biting my tongue.

If I laughed right now, he’d without a doubt make me run and my ankles still felt like rocks. I couldn’t ignore however all the snickering and stifled laughter around me. I dared to glance at Eren and his face was red and his cheeks were full of air, him resisting the urge to laugh as well.

I stood at the front of the line and watched as Ian struggled at first but managed to keep himself upright. Once he was let down, he offered a high five to me and I sighed before extending an olive branch and clapped his hand. I immediately regretted it as he gripped my hand and pulled it in to kiss the back of it.

“Uck!” I said and pulled my hand away, wiping the back of my hand on my pants.

He turned and went to stand with the others from other lines who’d already finished their test. The instructors began strapping me in and my eyes went to Eren again, who’d calmed and was watching me instead of the people in his line. I gave him the smallest smile and wave just as they start raising me up; the mechanism cranking loudly as I went up.

The belts tensed up across my butt and down my thighs and legs, lifting me into the air. I pretended that I was standing and slowly pulled a foot backwards to even out my weight distribution and once they stopped raising me up, I allowed my legs to straighten out and it seemed as if I just hung there. I hung there, bouncing for a moment when my head started drifting off, floating off to a far away memory. A memory that no one would believe if I told them.

I could hear my hushed giggling as I spun and jumped and twisted, a look of pride in my mother’s eyes when I suddenly heard my name loudly.

I looked up and realized that Shadis had been yelling my name and I was upside down. Everyone was staring in confusion when I realized what I’d been doing…I was playing.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing Cadet?!” Shadis yelled and I answered before thinking.

“Hanging around,” I say and Shadis slaps his hand into his face, I can hear the instructor stifling his laughter as I quickly right myself and basically sit down in the air, crossing my legs and waiting. “Too much?” I ask and he nods before motioning for me to be let down.

As they make to lower me, I turn and find myself eye level with someone’s boots. I follow the length of the persons body down and saw that it was Eren. He was hanging upside down, looking shocked and pale. I got let down and went over to Eren when Ian intercepted me as Shadis had his back turned to yell at Eren, swinging his arm around my shoulders and guiding me away.

I could feel that vein popping on my head again.

“So, how’d it feel?” he asks.

“Fine, I guess…shoo.” I say and push him off again, making him stumble and turned to go back to Eren.

I looked down at him as he smiled, trying to hid his embarrassment. “I’d gladly offer pointers but there’s this odd look of mayhem on your upside-down face.” I say and he just sighs.

“Hardy har-har, help me out. Was all that about?” he asks and I shake my head.

“Probably nothing, Ian just being gross.” I say and look back to see him talking to a group of female cadets. They’re all giggling and talking when he sees me looking and winks, I make a disgusted face and turn back to Eren.

He reaches out with his food to touch my head and I giggle as I push his foot away when he seems to visibly swallow his pride. “So…how’d you do it? Am I doing something wrong?” he asks and I kneel down so that I’m eye level with his hips.

I sighed checking his hips, maybe his weight distribution was off or maybe the gear was ill fitted but no. His hips were correctly set and the gear was snug around his hips and thighs, strange…he should be right side up, why is he-then I saw it. One buckle. One little buckle, at the center of his belt was rusted all the way through and broken. My brain kicked into high gear and the ones at the supply depot should have noticed that. That damage shouldn’t’ have been left to rust through, let alone deteriorate to that point!

It felt like my whole body tensed up and I could hear my mothers voice in my head.

_“If you can’t understand your gear, you don’t deserve to have it. If something is wrong, get down, take it off and find out what you’ve done wrong.”_

I felt my whole-body shift from tense to sore and a frightening thing happened... “No, your form is perfect. I don’t know what the problem is.”

He smiled before they let him down to test the next person. As he stood, I realized that he was a full foot taller than me. His tanned face and soft expression made my heart flutter and I swooned a little when he places a hand on my shoulder. “Thanks, I’ll try to figure out what’s wrong.” He started towards his friends and I took a deep breath.

Why the hell does him being near send me into a damn conniption? Just then, Ian appeared again and cast a glare at Eren. “What was that about?” I glared at him and crossed my arms. “Was he bothering you?”

“No, but you are.” I said and tried to pass him but he stepped into my path. “I think you and I got off on the wrong foot; I’m Ian Wiles.” He extends his hand to me but I slowly push it away.

“More like you grabbed my arm and I already told you to kick rocks.” I say and he turned his sly eyes to me, smirking at me.

“And I told _you_ he was on his way out; he couldn’t even stay upright for a second.” He mocks openly, clearly being agreed with by a few surrounding cadets.

I also noticed that Eren was currently glaring at his back and being held back by Mikasa and Armin who were also glaring at him. I took a deep breath and placed a light hand on his shoulder, stepping close and fluttering my lashes. “Hey Ian, has anyone ever told you how charming you are?” I ask somewhat raising my voice so people could hear and he started blushing.

“No, actually.” He says, laughing and feigning modesty.

I suddenly hooked my leg around his and pulled while pushing his chest and he fell onto his back, leaving me to stand over him. “Maybe there’s a reason for that.”

I blow him a kiss and start walking away, reaching back and grabbing my ponytail and pulling it over my shoulder as I started towards the cabins again when Eren made eye contact with me. His glare had changed to a beckoning look, to come over and join his group but I dropped my head in shame and continued back alone.

My chest began to ache, why had I done this? Why wasn’t I stepping up and telling Eren the truth about his gear? I felt even more shame weigh down my shoulders; I could pretend I wasn’t sure why I did what I did but I knew exactly why. As much as I don’t want to admit it, Eren is my competition and I swore to follow in my mom’s footsteps to honor her memory.

My mother had been a soldier in her younger days and completed this course at number 1! I can't risk any of those top 10 positions by doing him a favor...no matter how much I want to...and I _really_ wanted to.

***ARMIN***

After dinner I lost this new game Jean started called 'Nose Goes', I touched my nose last so I had to take out the garbage before we went to bed. Outside I went and threw the trash away and turned to go back inside but I heard a voice from above me. I looked up and through the dimming light I spotted (f/n) pacing back and forth on the roof, her long flowing (h/c) hair was braided down her back and swaying back and forth.

“(f/n) what are you doing up there?” I asked and she gasped and dropped out of my sight. “Um…”

“Sorry! I didn’t know anyone was coming out here!”

“It’s alright, I was just taking out the trash. Are you alright? What are you doing up there?” I asked.

She seemed to hum, a frustrated sound then she stood up, holding the end of her braid under her nose, giving her a (h/c) mustache. “Ok…I guess. I’m just…soul searching. Would you be willing to come up here for a moment, I’d like to ask you something.” She asked in a low voice.

I started thinking about how much time there was left before curfew but felt that a few minutes couldn’t hurt. I looked around and saw a few boxes stacked up on top of each other making small stairs tall enough to reach the roof. I walked up the boxes and went over to (f/n). She looked up at me, seeming a little shy with her knees tucked up against her chest and her (h/c) braid encircling her like a cat’s tail. I shake out my left arm and go seat myself beside her, crossing my legs.

“What’s on your mind?” I ask and she takes a deep breath, not looking at me.

“Well, I’m at war with myself right now about a decision I made today and I could really use a second opinion.” She said, lowering her head.

“Ok, I’m listening.” I say, settling in to hear the rest.

“I saw that _someone_ was having problems with their 3DMG today and they asked me to help them and I saw the problem but instead of telling them...I lied and said I _didn't_ know.” she said gesturing towards the training area.

I raised my eyebrows and dropped my jaw; she hadn’t struck me as the type to sabotage someone here. “What?! Why would you do that?”

“I don’t know!” she cries out, covering her face with her hands. “I heard my moms voice for a second, she said that if I don’t know how to-uh…” she stutters before clearing her throat and composing herself, lowering her hands and looking at me. “If I don’t know how to deal with something, I don’t deserve to have it.”

I tilted my head. “Wow, kinda strict sounding.”

“She used to be a soldier so yeah, she was but she was always fair. Anyways, my decision was to leave it alone and let that cadet figure it out themselves but…tomorrow is their last chance and I’m not sure if they’ll be able to do it. It’s such a little thing but it has such a huge impact on this cadet’s performance and dictates their future!” she paused and a light breeze blew up over the roof and pulled her long (h/c) hair over the edge where it hung like moss. “The reason I'm at war however is because my head knows that a logical choice would be to let the cadet fail out. That would increase my chances of making the top ten but my heart feels that it wouldn't be fair; an underhanded move like that. What's worse is...I really care about this cadet but I don't know what to do about it either way.” She flopped back on the roof and lay on her back, looking up at the stars, scattered through the sky like powdered sugar.

I decided to lay back as well and look up. The evening was always a deep blue color, a few grey-purple clouds here or there and the pale moon watching us from up high in its pillow of stars in the sky.

I went over in my head who had a problem with the training today, yeah a few had issues getting it right but, in the end, everyone did it...accept Eren! I turned to look at her suddenly, she wasn’t looking at me; her face still turned up to the sky.

She really cares about Eren, my stomach jumped when I thought about how Mikasa was going to take this when she inevitably found out. She wasn’t going to like it but I had certain reservations about how she handled her feelings for him.

“I think you should do what your heart says; tell them and I’m not just saying that because it’s Eren.” I say and she jumped like a startled squirrel.

“How did you-?”

“He’s the only one that didn’t get it right today, I wasn’t exactly hard to figure out.” I admit and she covers her face again before sitting up on her knees and looking at me, her (e/c) eyes big and scared looking.

“Please, don’t tell him! I’m not ready to deal with that!” she pleads and I laughed. “Armin, why are you laughing at me?!” she asked, sounding hurt but I waved at her.

“I’m not I promise, I won’t tell anyone; its better that I don’t anyways. If Mikasa found out she’d probably be the one you should worry about.” I half-joked but she seemed piqued by it.

“What do you mean? I thought she was his sister.” She says and I shake my head.

“No, I’ve known them for a long time. Mikasa has no problem at all pummeling people who give us trouble. I’m just worried about how she’d take another girl showing interest in him like that, she might take it as a threat. She’s a little possessive of him but he doesn’t really see it, he takes it as her treating him like a little brother.” I say and she smiles softly.

“I see, now its detrimental that I keep this a secret.” She says and I can’t help but notice that she may be smiling, but her eyes are sad; looking down with tired lids.

I was about to say something but then the bell started ringing for bed time and we got up to go inside, (f/n) tossing her braid behind her and popping her shoulders. I reached out and tapped her shoulder, getting her to turn to me.

“Look, if ever your head and heart have another disagreement, you can come to me. I don’t mind playing referee.” I offer and she stepped into my space and hugged me, which surprised me.

“Thanks Armin, you’re a really good friend.” She said into my shoulder.

I froze up for a moment but I worked up my nerve to put my arms around her and squeezed before she pulled away and smiled. I could feel my face was a little warmer than a moment ago. 

Later in the boy’s bunk, everyone had gone to bed and I couldn’t stop thinking about my talk with (f/n). She has feelings for Eren but allowed him to fail the test today because of her strict upbringing. I had never seen Eren show that type of interest in anyone so I decided to feed my curiosity. Whispered up to Eren to see if he was awake.

“Psst, Eren…are you still up?” I asked and I heard the mattress creak as he leaned over the edge and looked down at me from his bunk above me.

“Yeah, can’t sleep either huh?”

“Yeah…um, I have a weird question for you.” I sat up and he waited. “Well, I was wondering…do you have any feelings for anyone here?” I asked, realizing that subtlety is not my strong-suit.

Eren’s eyes widened a little and he covered his mouth. “Armin, this is so sudden!” he says and I swiped at him with my pillow, both of us stifling laughter.

“NO, no not me!” I stressed.

“Well get to the point Armin,” he urged, snickering quietly.

“I meant the girls; do you have feelings for any girls?” I hissed, now slightly annoyed.

“Are you guys talking about girls?” Connie chimed in suddenly and another creak drew my attention across the room to Jean.

“Girls?” Jean asked and now there was a small group of us awake and talking about girls.

I couldn't help but smack myself in the face. This is _not_ what I wanted.

“Who are we talking about?” Connie said poking his head down next to Eren who seemed surprised.

“Hey, when'd you get on my bed?”

“It’s Krista, right?” Reiner began and the guys cooed and whooped. “Perfect wife material, beautiful and sweeter than cane sugar.”

“No offense but my vote goes to Mikasa,” Jean said and some of the guys laughed a little and teased him because we all knew Jean liked her.

“What can I say, I know my type.” he said.

“Too bad she doesn't care about yours,” Connie said and they started laughing.

“Oh brother,” Eren said, sitting back on his bed which caught Jeans attention.

“Don’t act all high and mighty, who’s your favorite Eren!?” he asks and now the spot light was on Eren.

“I don't _have_ a favorite, we're here to join the military not talk about girls-” He brushed off the question but Connie interrupted.

“We're also men Eren, don't act like you don't think about girls! It’s part of our biology, we’re hunters!”

“And what? Women are the prey?” He replies when they began poking at Eren to tell them and I admittedly wanted to know too.

“I can't tell you anything because I don't really know.” He said seeming a little embarrassed and pulled himself further back to lean against the wall.

“What do you mean you don't really know?” Marco added.

“The only girl I've ever really talked to is Mikasa and I don't think about her like that!”

“Well then what about (f/n), you ran her laps with her didn't you? It was your idea to save her a plate for dinner. You tease her a lot and you're always staring at her; don't act like we don't see that.” Bertolt added, some of the others nodding along with him.

Eren's face reddened as Bertolt listed those things off. I was with Eren all the time and I'm even surprised...I hadn't known about any of that, but I hadn’t really been looking at that.

“Stop that, you’re just reading too much into it.” He tries to brush it off but Reiner shakes his head.

“Nah, you act a little different when you’re around her. It’s not blatant but you smile a lot when she’s around and you’re not nearly as loud.” He says and there’s another small wave of laughing when they begin whooping and teasing Eren about her.

Just as he’s about to reply, clenching his fist; there are footsteps by the door and we all fall dead silent. Once the footsteps go away, everyone laughed and shushed each other before the topic was dropped and everyone settled in to go back to bed.

“Eren…” I whispered and he leaned close to the edge but not peeking over the edge like before. “ _Do_ you like (f/n)?” I asked.

“Like I said, I don't really know. I mean, I've barely spoken to her and I don’t know that much about her. I want to get to know her more, but I don’t think that counts towards what the guys were talking about.

I smiled a little to myself before I closed my eyes…then from above me I heard.

“Connie?” Eren’s voice.

“Yeah?” Wait…why did I hear that from the same spot?

“Can you please get back in your bunk?”

***YOU***

I’d spent a good amount of the night thinking about Armin’s words and by the time I finally got up the next day, I had built up my will and had rushed to get up and outside before it was time for him to test again. I skipped breakfast as I searched for him and I found him in the boys’ bunks, sitting on one of the bottom bunks and tying his boots.

“Eren,” I called out and ran over to him.

He looked up and smiled at me. “Hey, what’s up?”

“Listen, there’s something I gotta tell you.” I say and he stood up, seeming concerned and stepping close to me.

“What is it?”

“Eren!” Mikasa’s voice interrupts me and we both turn to see her and Armin looking into the room. “Shadis is looking for you.” She says evenly, seeming oblivious to my presence.

I thought my soul left my body as Eren put a hand on my shoulder and smiled at me sadly. “Sorry (f/n), it can wait right?” he said and ran to follow them out to the training area.

I felt a stab of panic in my chest as I followed them out, trying hard to not look like I was freaking out. I was absolutely freaking the fuck out!! This couldn’t possibly be happening! I scrambled to reach the front of the group and found myself bumping elbows with Ian who smiled as soon as he saw me.

“Oh Christ…” I say when he moves to put his arm around me and I kick him in the shin. “Do you have memory loss? Stop touching me.” I snap and he crouches to rub his shin while we watch as Eren and Shadis stare at each other.

Goosebumps began popping up on my skin as the mechanism creaked, lifting Eren up and I had to hold my breath. The field had been sun baked so there was already a reason to sweat but I clenched my fists tight and pressed my knuckles against my lips and I closed my eyes.

I waited through the silence when I was surrounded by loud cheers and cries of victory, prompting me to open my eyes and I almost cried!

Eren was upright, not rocking or swaying and he was staying that way!! I could see the look in his eyes and it sent an excited chill up my spine; he must have figured it out and gotten his gear fixed! His eyes said ‘Look at me!’ and the triumph in his smile sent my heart into a flutter and I elbowed Ian in the ribs.

“How do you like that?!” I said and clapped, feeling a little victory of my own at seeing Ian eat his words.

Just as the cheers began to die down, I heard a low creaking and felt my stomach drop into my boots as Eren began to tip over and in terror, I closed my eyes again…but that did nothing to hide the truth once I dared to look.

Eren was once again, upside down and struggling to flip himself over. His face was pale and his eyes wide with panic and in a glint of light against his hips I could see it…the same broken buckle on his belt. Shadis began to approach him and I felt myself start to panic now.

“No! Not yet!” Eren said as he continued to struggle to right himself. “Once more! I can still do it!!”

“Lower him,” Shadis said without falter and once Eren was on his knees, his eyes met me and I covered my mouth. I could see the tears in his waterline beginning to form as horror began to take over.

“I…” he stammered and I gasped as he whimpered. “I’m finished.”

This has gone on long enough, I stepped forward. “Hey-” I started but Shadis’ voice drowned me out.

“Wagner, please exchange belts with Mister Jaeger.” He ordered and Thomas ran over to do as ordered.

I hadn’t even been noticed by anyone, not even Ian had looked at me as the exchange was made and Eren was hoisted up once again, it all happened so quickly I barely had a moment to process what had happened.

I watched, utterly captivated as a minute went by…then two and he remained perfectly balanced with little to no effort now.

“Your equipment was defective,” Shadis began, presenting the belt to him and Eren’s eyes were wide. “If given a piece of functional gear you might not be useless after all.”

Shadis dropped his eyes to view the belt and for the shortest of seconds, his eyes flickered to me and I felt my body grow cold; he knew that _I_ knew! I knew that for a fact from that look, it was the look I got when he knew I’d snuck pudding from the kitchen as a kid.

“Quartermaster didn’t notice this broken clasp, might have to visit the supply depot and crack a couple skulls.” Shadis said as he wrung the belt between his fists and the murmurs began to rise.

I felt my jaw drop as I came to the realization late this time; he'd managed to stay balanced even with broken gear! I couldn’t contain myself and suddenly let out a loud hoot of joy which was quickly followed by the crowd joining in and cheering for Eren.

I looked around me at the celebrating group and Shadis let us go instead of calling everyone to be silent. As he passed me by, he stopped and gave me the belt. “I need to have a word with you,”

I nodded and he walked off, letting us be for the moment when my eyes went back to Eren and he was looking right at me, smiling and I smiled back. Despite all the movement and chaos around us, we were the only two things standing perfectly still.

Later on, I had to miss dinner to go and talk to Shadis in his office; broken belt in hand. I knew what was coming my way so I took a deep breath and knocked on the door then held my salute and waited.

“Come in,” he said and I opened the door, seeing him seated at his desk and he glared over at me as I stood beside the door after closing it.

“Hey there…Uncle Shadis.” I said quietly and his glare on me remained stone cold as he returned his attention to his work.

“You have always been meticulous with how you keep your gear, so much so that I trusted you early on to mind it yourself. Tell me why you didn’t take it upon yourself to point out a fault where a soldier with 20 years’ experience failed.” He said, not looking at me.

“I…heard my mothers voice.” I said, bowing my head and his pencil stopped. “I could hear her reprimanding me and it made me remember why I was here.” I say and he looks up at me, raising my head to hold his amber stare.

“Mirani (l/n), she was one hell of a soldier. She completed her training at the top of her classes, her skillset was enviable and her ability to both lead and follow was unrivaled.” He says as he stands up from the table.

“I want to be just like her, complete my training as the best and go on to change the world…I thought about the belt in a competitive way…and I was wrong to do this, I’m sorry Uncle Shadis.” I say, bowing my head again and closing my eyes as I heard him approach me.

“I’m not the one you need to apologize to,” he says and I thought my heart about exploded when the door creaked and I turned to see Eren standing there, looking at me. “As a cadet, it is a competition to make that top 10 but I’m not the one who has to deal with the consequences it leads to among my allies.” He says and I feel the gears in my head spiral.

Oh my God! _This_ was his idea of punishing me; he had Eren nearby to hear me admit I knew about it and said nothing and he’s going to make me deal with it now!!

I clenched my jaw and looked back at Shadis, first at his shoes and then his face. “That’s not fair,” I whispered under my breath.

“Life isn’t fair,” he says with a wink and dismisses us both.

_FUCK!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry these uploads are coming a day late. We had a little hiccup in my county with a spike in confirmed COVID-19 cases and I had to prioritize my family over everything else as my parents are both over 50 with compromised immune systems. I hope everyone out there is staying safe and taking care of each other during this tough time as I provide a small rapid fire upload today (as of 2:29 am on Sunday) and will be uploading BNHA and DBD by the end of the day :3  
> Sorry again for the uploads coming late. <3


	6. Coming Clean

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shadis has basically thrown you to the wolves...err...to Eren, he's left you with Eren. Now that Eren knows you already knew about his faulty belt...how will he react?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING – I Hate That I Love You will touch upon these topics in order to tell the story. In no way, shape or form are you meant to repeat or replicate the actions performed by the fictional characters within this work.  
> Reader discretion is advised. (Use common sense please)  
> Kidnapping, Torture, Medical Experimentation, Human Mutation, Sexual Assault, Sexual Abuse, Trauma, PTSD and Animal Abuse (for villainous purposes, not of our lead characters causing it. We don't stan animal abusers, period.)  
> Taking these warnings into account, enjoy :3

After Shadis dismissed us, I ended up following Eren like a damn duckling. He led me outside and around the back of the building, out of view of the watch towers. The evening was cold, unusual for the time of year, cold enough that warm breath was a visible fog in the air, Eren hasn’t stopped or said a word since we started walking and I’m too frazzled to break the ice.

My heart was pounding and I was starting to sweat, how mad must he be with me right now?! I started to feel sick as my anxiety continued to sky rocket. He suddenly came to a stop and I stopped too. He turned to me and his expression was neutral, not angry or vexed which made me even more nervous. He suddenly started towards me and I backed up quickly when I bumped into the wall of the building and he slammed his fist into the wall; startling me! There’s this long silence when I realize that he’s just staring at me.

“Eren…” I started.

“You lie to my face and that’s the first thing you say?”

“Look…I’m sorry. I promise to stay away from-”

“That’s not what I want.” He interrupts me and I feel my voice fail me.

“Um…”

“You’re joining the Scouts too, right?” He asks, his furrowed brows showing his anger.

“Yeah, what does that have to do with it?”

“If we’re going to the same place, we have to trust each other. After this stunt today, I don’t know if I can trust you.”

He’s right, how are we supposed to fend off Titans as a unit if he can’t trust me? I set my shoulders and hold his intense gaze. “Ok, how do I win your trust back?”

“Answer a few questions for me, be completely honest, I won’t settle for less and if I find out you lied to me again…” He falters. “It’s just in your best interest to tell me the truth, got it?”

I nodded and he sighed, the sultry air he breathed out snaked over my chest and up my neck before going cold.

“What would you like to know?”

“First, you said that Shadis raised you, then you mentioned your mother being killed by Titans…two years after the wall fell. How would that have happened?” He starts with that?!

Ok…panic is starting to set in, how can I even begin to tell him the truth? He’ll never believe me so I might as well get this shit show over with.

“I knew I would have to explain myself sooner or later…please understand that I only kept it a secret…because no one who didn’t see it for themselves ever believes me.”

Eren tilts his head and steps back, crossing his arms and waiting. “I’m listening,”

I took a deep breath and delved into my long-preserved memories. “My mother had been in the Military Police, kept all those corrupt bastards in line. She fell in love with my father, a carpenter with a handful of hopes and a heart full of love.” I recalled the fond way my mothers voice would lower and almost sing of my father. “When she got pregnant, she resigned and followed my father to Shiganshina to raise a humble family. My twin sisters were born and my parents had originally not planned on having anymore children but I was an unexpected surprise.” I shrugged.

It was almost like I could feel the ground rumbling under my feet as I looked back on that awful day.

“The day the Titans breached the wall, my mother and I had been at home. My two older sisters Kassandra and Katheryn had gone into town so we knew they must have perished out in the streets. Mother had hurried to cover my face and hair and once she’d covered herself up as well, she carried me outside and started walking towards the people who were running away.”

Eren’s eyes widened and he uncrossed his arms. “Wait, your mother went toward the titans?!”

“Yes, when I’d thought to ask, she had said that with all the panic, tons of people were going to be forgotten or left to die. She chose that she wanted to fight for her survival and the survival of her last surviving daughter. Mother chose a broken house with the remains of a few people in it. The smell of the dead masked us and she hid us among them…for two long years.” I say and Eren was silent.

I waited for him to say I was lying or that he’s never going to trust me…but he surprised me. “You lived among the Titans for two years?!” His eyes passed back and forth before coming to me again. “You’re fighting style?” He asked.

“My mother, she was so set on surviving, she made sure I could protect myself from the monsters outside and the ones that wear human skin.” I said, recalling the morbid scenarios she had us run through. This sort of glimmer crossed Eren’s eyes.

“The dagger…”

“Mother had crafted it for me from the broken blade of a fallen soldier. I used it to help her cut down Titans. She had a set of 3DMG but it was far too noisy so she invented a way to take down Titans without it.”

Eren held up his hand. “Wait, back up. You can take down a Titan without your gear? You’ve taken down Titans already?!”

“It’s a plan that requires two people but yes, my mother called it ‘Stealth Killing’. There was no sound until they fell over so it was how she kept us safe.”

“Mind telling me?”

“Mom would stand on the roof of a building and the Titans would come after her. I’d run out of hiding with my dagger and cut the Achilles. Once it fell, I’d only have a few seconds before it would get up, I ran the length of its body and sliced its neck before it could make a fuss.”

There was a long space of silence when he crossed his arms again. “So…what happened to your mom?”

“One day, we’d run out of food and mom had gone without for three days because she wanted me to eat. I was so scared that she was going to starve and leave me alone. Mom could hear the horses of the returning Scouts and ran out. Ultimately, she left me to the Scouts and gave her life to distract the Titans so we could get away. My mother died the day I was saved, that night I was moved here to live because Petra didn’t want to let me go. I owe her and the Scouts everything for honoring my mothers final wish. My mother’s teachings during those two years is the reason I want to become a Scout; to use the knowledge I have to turn the tables on Titans…and dispose of them entirely.”

There was a long silence when I heard him sigh and I looked up to see him smiling, his eyes softened. “Ok…I believe you.”

“You do?”

“Yeah, you’ve got the dagger and if you wanted everyone to look at you then it wouldn’t be a secret. It would also explain why you’re kinda weird.” He says and I felt the backhandedness of that comment slap my face.

“Ah…that’s good.” I said, telling myself that he didn’t mean it to be cruel.

“So are we cool?” I asked and he nodded his head, offering his hand to me.

“Yeah, we’re cool…oh! One more question,”

“Shoot,”

“Why do you keep your hair so long? It’s going to get in the way during 3DMG training.”

“It started as just because I never felt the need, but when I was little; my dad loved brushing my hair so I always kept it long. I braid it back though so it’s fine.” I say when he reaches out and takes one of the long (h/c) tresses into his hand, sending my heart into overdrive.

“It’s pretty…it’d be a shame for it to get tangled up while you’re training.” He smiles at me and I manage a small, shy smile of my own.

“Thank you,” I say and look up into his eyes, trying hard not to plead he come closer in my head.

He suddenly looks down and chuckles a little, making me tilt my head.

“Ok…now it’s my turn to be honest,” he starts and this light blush comes to his cheeks. “Armin…told me…about the whole heart and head disagreeing thing.”

My face must have looked a sight because Eren’s smile widened. “He told you?!”

“Only because I forced him, I was talking about you and I knew he was hiding something.” He says and I could feel my hopes rising, I tried hard to keep them under control but my daydreaming heart refused to obey me.

“Why would you be talking about me?”

“Look, you’re not like anyone I’ve ever met. I’ve never thought about anyone the way I think about you.” He says and I crossed my arms, trying to root myself to something before I got too excited, this conversation could still turn bad so I need to get a grip on my damn feelings.

“What do you think of me?” I asked, fearing and anticipating his response.

“You’re pretty, smart and resilient-even more so now that I know the truth. You know what it looks like to watch the world fall apart around you and be powerless to stop it. You know what that pain feels like when those bastards intruded on our lives and stole the people closest to us.” He says, his fist clenching but then relaxing and looking at me, his gaze making me feel vulnerable. That feeling was strange but I was strangely welcoming to it…because it was coming from Eren. I didn’t feel like I was exposed or in danger, I felt strangely solid and grounded.

“Eren…” I started, daring to step forward and get a little closer.

He reached out and gently took my hands, his palms warmth surrounding my cold fingers. He stepped a little closer to me and leaned down, his eyes half lidded. Mine began to drift closed and just as his lips ghosted mine-

“Eren,” Mikasa’s voice reached us and I almost jumped out of my skin.

Eren pulled me by my hands and hid behind the nearest corner. I couldn’t see from my place but I was more preoccupied with looking at my hand, Eren had flattened himself against the wall but still held onto one of my hands.

I could hear Mikasa and Armin walking towards where we’d just been.

“Mikasa, he’s probably still talking to Shadis; let’s just get to bed before someone notices that we’re not in our bunks yet.” Armin warns when I hear her let out an exasperated sigh.

“Yeah, you’re right…I just thought I heard him this way.” She says as I hear them walking back the way they came and Eren lets out a breath.

I look down at our hands again and when I raise my eyes again, Eren is smiling at me. “Come on, we should go too.”

We end up taking the long way around the back of the camp, talking quietly about what to say if we get caught…but I think it was just a reason to keep holding hands. Sneaking into the bunks was the easy part, dodging the squeaky floorboards was a little trickier. Each little croak or groan of sleeping cadets made me tense up until my shoulders ached.

He guided us through this back hall that had been vacated early on and has remained empty since then. No one should be here nor need to come over here. I leaned against the wall, still holding his hand so my arm was sticking out in front of me. “That was close,” I sighed when he lightly tugged on my arm.

I looked up and he was smiling at me warmly, his eyes looking dreamily into mine when he suddenly pulled me away from the wall and surprised me. His arms wrapped around my waist and hugged me tight to him. He let out a shaky breath, as if he’d been just dying to do this and I slowly placed my hands around his shoulders. My face was tingling I was blushing so much, this was so warm and yet that tension in my shoulders was still present.

“(f/n),” he says when I feel how hard his heart is beating against my chest.

“Eren, are you alright?” I asked and he nodded, not letting me go.

“I don’t know…I started feeling hot all over and I wanted to hold you close like this. I’ve never felt like this before.” He pulls back a little but I tighten my arms around his shoulders and he remains.

He lets out this soft gasp then resumes the hug, squeezing me tight around my hips; letting out a long sigh. He seemed so content and very at peace in this position.

“Eren,” I whispered, pulling back enough to look at him.

His eyes looked grey in the low silvery moonlight and I moved closer by a hair and he let out a small, almost frantic sounding breath. He pushed me back into the wall and his lips crashed against mine, making my heart spin. I could feel this little flicker in my chest, like someone failing to light a candle. Eren’s lips were hot against mine and when he pulled away to look at me…it felt like something had been taken from me.

Our eyes met again and that little flicker in my chest caught and a spark formed, setting off my firecracker heart. I pushed him back against the opposite wall, kissing him harder and making him open his mouth in response. Instinctively, I turned my head to further deepen the kiss, feeling something hot and wet press against my mouth. I opened my mouth and the moment his tongue touched mine, I jerked my head back in surprise.

“Sorry,”

“No, no, it’s alright. I wasn’t expecting to react…like that. I can feel it in my body…I want more of you…” he ponders aloud, seeming out of breath; solely fixated on me.

“Then take more,” I say and he kisses me again, his arms pulling me in by my waist.

I could feel a firmness press against my lower belly and it was so hot against me! He adjusted his hips and pushed one of his legs between mine and rubbed against my most sensitive spot, causing a glorious friction that my hips ground down into beyond my control.

His hand slid up my back and caused this wonderful tingle on my skin when he pulled away, gasping for air. I hadn’t even realized I was becoming lightheaded and we were left just staring at each other, catching our breath. The chill in the air caused our panicked breath to ghost around us before quickly vanishing. I looked deep into his eyes and could see this never before tapped into desire they held, I wonder if he could see the same in mine.

I’d never even considered something liking someone until him…my first love. He sighed and pressed his forehead against mine, wordlessly telling me how hot his skin was. Continuing to search his eyes, instead of seeing anger and sorrow like I was used to seeing on him, I saw this desperate excitement.

“I don’t want to let you go…not yet…not ever.” He says and kisses me again, my mouth now eagerly awaiting his tongue to request entry again but he didn’t.

Nothing in my life had ever felt this right; the world around us had melted away and I worried that I may melt right along with it. Eren’s kisses slowly began to migrate from my mouth to my chin then my neck which made my entire body light up. Every spot his lips graced made my skin tingle and I sighed, my back arching to press against his body; his hands against my back to hold me in that arch. He lightly bit down on my pulse point and I let out this high pitch gasp noise as that set every inch of my skin into spiraling stars. I dug my heels into the floor and was about to cry out but a loud creak down the hall silenced me and Eren stopped kissing me. He held me close, his arms surrounding me protectively and making my heart do the tiniest of flutters; he was ready to protect me.

A voice reached us, talking about how he needed to use the bathroom but didn’t want to walk in the dark alone. Whoever they were, they wouldn’t have to come this way; Eren’s arms around me relaxed and I sighed.

He turned to me and gently kissed my forehead, sending a shiver down my spine. “We better go back, I’ll see you tomorrow (f/n).” he says then places a lingering kiss on my lips before starting down the hall towards the boys bunks. I’d have to go the other way to return to my room, which was a good thing as I had to regain my composure before settling down for the night. This proved fruitless as I dreamed of that moment after going to sleep, that spark had grown into a blazing inferno by morning; the sun shining a little more golden than before.


	7. Clearing The Smoke Filled Air

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After two long years of hard core training and not being able to face Eren, you finally seize an opportunity. Will your heart be crushed or is there more merit to that one steamy moment than you know?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING – I Hate That I Love You will touch upon these topics in order to tell the story. In no way, shape or form are you meant to repeat or replicate the actions performed by the fictional characters within this work.  
> Reader discretion is advised. (Use common sense please)  
> Kidnapping, Torture, Medical Experimentation, Human Mutation, Sexual Assault, Sexual Abuse, Trauma, PTSD and Animal Abuse (for villainous purposes, not of our lead characters causing it. We don't stan animal abusers, period.)  
> Taking these warnings into account, enjoy :3

Our training kicked into high gear that next day and with Mikasa and Armin glued to his side, there was never a moment I could pull him aside to speak in private.

I don’t think it would have mattered anyways, there was barely any time to breathe let alone have a discussion about our feelings. I initially planned on just going over to him during dinner-despite my pain-stricken legs demanding I sit my ass back down and take what rest I could…but I didn’t. My nerves were starting to get the better of me.

I was thinking way too hard about what happened and I couldn’t stop questioning the certainty of Eren’s feelings for me. The fact that I’ve seen a side of Eren that no one else had did make me feel special; it was like all his passion had been activated and I’d been the focal point of it.

He was always so serious and I didn’t think he was capable of any feelings other than angry. I didn’t even know that much about him; we’ve barely interacted with each other and we hadn’t exactly been buddy-buddy before. He may know more about my past now but that doesn’t mean he knows me as a person.

Part of me knew I was overthinking it too much but I couldn’t stop my brain from constantly drop kicking my heart into the dirt. We were just a couple of excited teenagers doing what excited teenagers do, yet I continued to argue that possibility in my head. I didn’t want to think that, I wanted to hold on to that memory and relish in it forever because that warm fluttering of butterfly wings in my belly was magical.

I hadn’t even grown up with dreams of finding a prince charming like my sisters used to talk about, but it almost felt like instinct. My heart wanted so badly for me to continue holding onto that flicker of hope that Eren really cared about me. I started building up this dreamy idea of a world without Titans and Eren beside me to see that big beautiful Ocean he mentioned.

Those fantasies started dominating my thoughts and I actually had to slap some sense back into myself before I got too out of my head. I had to remember why I was here and focus on that!

I am a soldier, not a girl with her head in the clouds. My job is to complete my training and join up with the Scouts and change history! As much as I liked the idea of being with Eren, there was just too much going on right now and I had to keep my priorities in order.

That’s exactly what I did, through the rest of our training for the next two years…I barely knew Eren was there. I’d pushed the memory of that night into the back of my mind and forced the butterflies in my belly to settle down. I reigned in my wild fantasies and set my sights on The Scout Regiment, throwing myself into my studies and training.

Then just like that…all our practice and all our education…was over. It was time for us to move forward, leave these dusty plains behind and dawn our new titles; graduation was upon us.

I felt a little piece of me inside tremble as the ceremony began. I’d worked so hard and I was just holding my breath as Shadis began reading through the list of the ten cadets that graduated at the top of our class.

“To start, this has never happened before.” There’s a slight unsettlement amongst us but we all remained silent. “Two cadets have received almost identical marks in all your courses, so as I read your names…come stand at the base of the platform.” He orders and I wait with bated breath.

Two cadets with almost the exact same marks? I’ve watched three years of graduation ceremonies pass me by and I’ve never seen anything like that before. I wonder who they are.

“Mikasa Ackerman,” he starts and she takes her place, standing at the ready when Shadis looks to me.

No…fucking…way.

“(F/n) (L/n),” he says and I stutter as I start forward, standing beside Mikasa but Shadis motions for us to look up at him. “You both received 39.6% as a final score, you tie. For the first time since I took over as general, there will be eleven of you tonight.”

I gasped and Mikasa and I fell into our salutes and waited as he read off the remaining nine names. I had tried my very best to keep myself composed when Eren’s name was called, but some part of me could feel Mikasa’s eyes stray through me and everyone else to see him. I didn’t even have to see it…I knew she was looking.

We were then allowed to change into plain clothes and celebrate, food and drink for all of us. The hall was full of chatter and elation, everyone was having a wonderful time, discussing what they would do next and where they were planning on going.

My plain clothes were something of a controversial thing but I didn’t care. I was wearing a grey long sleeve with a small rip in the right shoulder seam from me rushing to get ready; I just draped my hair over it. I’d worn a skirt but I hated how long skirts caught my foot every few steps so I’d sliced it up to the knees and just wore some thin pants underneath. I’d tied my hair up into a (h/c) pony tail, high on the back of my head and just pulled one of the longer tresses to cover that hole in the shoulder. I’d also made sure to wear my (f/c) bandanna, my ponytail wouldn’t allow it to be on my head as per usual so I wrapped it around my neck.

I got a few looks here and there but I didn’t even have a moment to take in my surroundings when I heard a loud voice above all else.

“ARE YOU INSANE!?” Thomas’s voice.

The entire hall fell into almost complete silence, save for a few whispering voices here and there; pondering why Thomas had raised his voice. I rushed forward in search of the cause and saw Eren and Thomas with a small crowd around them.

Thomas looked around at all the surprised faces and for a moment, he bowed his head; embarrassed. Just as quickly however, he raised his head again and looked right at Eren. “How many people have died? We’re talking a fifth of the population. If that doesn’t paint a picture for you, I don’t know what will.” There’s this long pause as his words seem to race through everyone’s heads; mine included. “This is our life now; we can’t beat them.”

A grim silence takes over the room, nothing above the burning lanterns all around us and their gentle crackling. No one said one word and I bit my tongue. I could understand where Thomas was coming from, he’d seen how everything had been uprooted after the wall fell. We’d been in the thick of it but Thomas and others had been living normal lives when suddenly, their streets were swarmed with people like us…just trying to survive. He’s seen the fear, he’s seen the chaos of the aftermath…but people like Eren, Mikasa, Armin and myself…it was all different.

“Yeah, so what?” Eren’s voice and I focused squarely on him.

He was wearing a brown shirt and pants with a dark brown belt. It was strange seeing him in such casual attire but that’s not what my main focus was on. His eyes looked a muted green in the dim firelight, his brows were down and I could see his jaw was clenched.

“We buckle, take it all lying down? Things have changed, maybe not a hell of a lot but enough. They aren’t the mystery they were five years ago. There’s still a long way to go but we’ve made progress, every battle we lost taught us a lesson; gave us the tiniest in route to something like hope. You telling me it’s better to cut our losses, let all the death and destruction be meaningless? Just to ball it up and except it?! Not on your life!”

I had to let out a long breath, a smile spreading across my lips. His words were setting off a chain reaction of explosions in my heart. He was speaking the truth; he knew the truth that everyone wanted so desperately to ignore. This world we lived in, wasn’t going to change unless we changed it.

“Humanity’s future lies outside the walls and I’m gonna clear the way! I’m gonna take back what was ours and as long as at least one of us can say that, we’re not done!” he said when I couldn’t help but see this tiny glimmer at the base of his eyes; tears.

As the silence began to set in, Eren turned and ran out of the dining hall, Mikasa and Armin taking off after him. I looked around and waited until everyone rejoined their own conversations before making my way off to the door and out into the streets.

Once outside, I could see that Mikasa and Armin were headed in a certain direction and I almost started after them but I saw something that made me wait. The dining hall we’d been in was on an elevated plot of land and I could see out over the small crowd that still occupied the market place. A small distance away, I could see people parting as someone clearly was making their way through that way.

It was a hunch because I couldn’t see who it was but I figured Eren wouldn’t have gone somewhere easily followed; if you want to disappear, find a big crowd.

I started forward and as I followed the disgruntled looks on people’s faces; I soon enough found a man gathering the rigged favors from a booth of water that had been knocked over. I could see wet shoeprints lead down a narrow alley and I followed them.

After passing through the alley, I found myself on an empty street of cobblestones and abandoned torches. I could see the wet marks fade off quickly but I was lucky, I spotted Eren’s back on a set of stairs nearby. He’d settled on the steps and I could see him running his hands through his hair as he composed himself.

I dared to go forward and my footsteps made him look back to see me and he quickly looked away, rubbing his hands over his face as I drew nearer. “(f/n)!” he says, still not looking at me.

“Hey, I was just coming to find you…were you crying?” I ask and he scoffs.

“Of course not,” he says, acting all aloof and cool.

I bend forward, not bending my knees and poke his cheek with my finger; letting it sit there as he just stares at me, wide eyed. “Your eyes are still red and puffy.”

He swats my hand away and I wait quietly for him to reply, which he does with a sigh. “Ok, you caught me. I got a little carried away…”

“I was going to say, that speech back there was amazing.” I said, sitting down beside him and his eyes almost sparkle.

“You think so?”

“Yeah, that’s what I think sets you apart from everyone else.” I say, adjusting a fold in my skirt. “People who follow the rules and play it safe…don’t get remembered. I think your name is going to be written in history someday, even if you don’t succeed; your drive is that of legend.” I look over at him and he’s staring at me with wide eyes.

I contemplated if I’d spoken too freely but he just laughs, shoving my shoulder playfully. “At least I’m not going to be compared to Rapunzel for all eternity, my look is more original.” He says and I laugh, pushing one of my hands into his hair and ruffling the soft brown locks.

“Oh yeah, real original! Brown haired, tan faced boy from the city; never seen five thousand other guys just like you back there.” I say and he laughs, pushing my hand back and I can already see the puffiness in his eyes fading away when he stops laughing.

I lower my eyes and scoot away from him a little, immediately remembering that we haven’t spoken in almost two years…since…that night.

“I would have come to you sooner but, I didn’t know what I was going to say to you.” I start and he nods, looking straight ahead and resting his forearms on his knees. “That night…two years ago.”

Eren jolted a little, turning back to look at me. “Oh yeah, that…I’d nearly forgotten about that.”

_Ouch…um, Ok. I hadn’t been able to stop thinking about it without losing my focus and he’d almost forgotten._

“Oh…I see.” I started, wondering where I was supposed to go from there when he suddenly stood up, waving his arms at me.

“Wait! I didn’t mean it like that!” He says frantically before deflating and sitting back down, a small puff of dust flying up when he did. “I mean…I’ve been trying to not think about it…it’s a bit distracting.” He says, his head down but I can see the little bit of color coming into his cheeks, making my hopes soar.

“In a good way, I hope.” I offer and he sits up straight, looking right at me.

“The best way, absolutely!” he stopped and took a breath, once again composing himself.

“I want to know what that night meant to you?” I ask evenly and hold his gaze as he seems to think it over. His eyes were as serious as ever and I couldn’t help but feel myself being drawn back into that memory. When those same eyes were solely focused on me and I had felt so vulnerable and soft, fragile…but so safe…and so _his_.

I blinked a few times to reign in my heart and covered my heart with both my hands. “I want to know if you were serious about that kiss or if it was just a one-time thing.” I say and he reached out and touched my leg with his hand; just like before…his hand was warm.

“(f/n), I took that kiss very seriously, I just…” he stalled, thinking hard before raising his eyes to meet mine again. “It’s hard for me to explain it properly, I’ve never really thought about girls or even had any crushes before you. You’re something else completely, something inside me is drawn to you. I think about you all the time and…I’m not sure what would have happened if those guys hadn’t come out when they did. I couldn’t really control myself after I’d kissed you.” He says, more color rising into his cheeks.

“It was very different for me; I’ve never felt that kind of…rush before.” He says and I place my hand over his on my knee. He turns his hand over and holds mine, our fingers intertwining. “Once I was alone with you…something else took over me and I didn’t know what to do but, the way you were looking at me and kissing you…” he sighed and looked away. “I don’t know, it was so intense and I didn’t know what to make of it.” I squeezed his hand and brought his eyes back to me.

“I thought so too, I’ve never felt like that about anyone before. I know we should have found time to talk these past years but, in a way I’m glad we didn’t. I wanted to think about it some more and I got to wondering, you’ve only ever talked about killing Titans and venturing beyond the walls. What are you going to do once both of those things have been done?”

He seems caught off guard by my words and looks away from me again. “I don’t know, I’ve never really thought that far.” He admits.

“I was just thinking…maybe you’d like something more than just the Scouts to return to…something or someone…special. Someone that you can call…yours?” I say and press my leg against his.

I’m trying to fight the bright pink color coming to my cheeks but I can’t so I just look at him, its all I can do. I know it’s making the blushing worse but I don’t care, I haven’t let my eyes linger on him for the past two years and I want to do that now!

“(f/n),” he starts.

“Eren!” Mikasa’s voice sends me jumping to my feet, but not letting go of his hand.

“I’d better go,” I say and he squeezes my hand as I turn to leave.

I turn back and look down at him, his eyes are big and hopeful; almost that of a puppy dog and I couldn’t fight the thought in the back of my brain.

_So cute!_

“We need to talk again, later.” He says and I nod before he lets go and I run off.

Once I’ve hidden in an alley, I see Eren pretend to wipe his eyes again as his friends come over to him and I take a long deep breath before turning and running off. I tried not to run too fast but I was far too excited!! I was so excited that it took me forever to fall asleep.

The following morning was a bit of a scramble; a good amount of us partied a little too hard so almost everyone woke up late, myself included but not due to partying too much. I don’t actually know how long I laid in my bed, rolling around and smiling so hard my cheeks hurt but eventually I fell asleep and woke up nearly hanging myself with my own hair.

We rushed up the wall, in full 3DM Gear and busied ourselves cleaning the cannons. It was my first time up on the walls in who knows how long and looking out into the world was surreal. The country was beautiful, vibrant and green with life. The woods beyond were teeming with wildlife; birds chirping and deer grazing everywhere beyond. The sky was jay bird blue and white fluffy clouds scattered across it, like soap bubbles floating on the water’s surface.

I knew better than to let myself get swept up but, for just one second, I let my guard down. It was almost like being peaceful, truly peaceful. The wind blowing through my hair was comfortably cool and threw my long (h/c) braid into a whipping vine behind me. It was glorious to feel the heat of the sun on my cheeks and smell the cool scent of fresh air.

I looked up into the sky and smiled, knowing my mother was up there somewhere, looking down and watching over me. I wonder…if she was proud of me so far, if I’m doing alright. I wanted so badly to ask her opinion about Eren, if I’m eating properly enough, if she had a good day or not…everything. I’d give anything to just talk to her again and I felt that familiar sadness weigh down my heart. I knew I’d have to just keep fighting; I’ll make this world into something beautiful for her to look down on.

I’m pulled from my musing by a loud clang as I hear Connie drop a cannon ball and it started rolling towards the edge of the wall. He and Mikasa chased after it and he caught it but it nearly pulled him over the edge, it would have if Mikasa hadn’t followed to catch him by the waist. A few others raced over to help and just as my eyes met Eren’s, there was a loud lightning crash!

The sun had been blocked out and a massive shadow had been cast over us, it was so fast that no one moved. It felt like time had frozen, we all stood there…staring into the face of the catalyst of Maria’s fall, Eren’s death…and my two-year stint among Titans; The Colossal Titan!

My mind hadn’t even completely comprehended this behemoth of a Titan when Eren tackled me off the edge of the wall and a burst of hot air tossed everyone else over the side with us. As we fell, Eren deployed his gear and we came to a hard stop, his feet braced against the wall. His body acting as a shelf for me to sit on as I heard a loud commotion a little way below us.

“SAMUEL!” Connie cried out and we both looked down just in time to see Sasha fire one of her lines into the back of Samuels calf and saving his life.

“Try not to move! Understand?!” she cried out and we both released a breath, but we didn’t relax.

“That was too damn close!” Eren mutters when we all looked down and saw the extent of the damage below.

A massive opening had been made in the entry point of Wall Rose, smoking from the impact and massive boulders had flown forward, fortunately stopped by the bracers placed there almost right after Maria’s compromise.

The air around us had become heavy with heat that clung to our bodies. I felt sticky all over and I felt how fast Eren’s heart was beating against my arm. I held on as Eren rushed back up the wall and set me down at the top. I skid on my butt for a second but I quickly righted myself and stood up, preparing my blades and standing beside Eren as we both looked into the face of The Colossal Titan.

“You…” I heard and looked at Eren to see the bloodlust in his eyes. “It’s been a while.”

We both lost our mother to the Titans, different times and in different circumstances. The odds had been stacked against us both and Eren had watched as his mother died…for him, this was personal.


	8. Thinking Of You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Colossal Titan has appeared again and has put another hole in the wall, surrounding the city of Trost! Our favorite heroes will have to fight for life and limb if they hope to see tomorrow! Will you survive the Titans attack?!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING – I Hate That I Love You will touch upon these topics in order to tell the story. In no way, shape or form are you meant to repeat or replicate the actions performed by the fictional characters within this work.  
> Reader discretion is advised. (Use common sense please)  
> Kidnapping, Torture, Medical Experimentation, Human Mutation, Sexual Assault, Sexual Abuse, Trauma, PTSD and Animal Abuse (for villainous purposes, not of our lead characters causing it. We don't stan animal abusers, period.)  
> Taking these warnings into account, enjoy :3

As I tried to think of a strategy, the Titan began sweeping the top of the wall with its arm, making me sprint forward whereas Eren leapt up into the air. I had to leap off the outer edge of the wall in order to avoid it in time.

As I fell, I twisted my body in the air to keep the wall and the Titan in my sights; raising up my right trigger to deploy. I hit the trigger but am only met with a metal clang that vibrates through my hips and makes my blood run cold.

“TAKE THIS!!” I heard Eren yell from somewhere behind me as gravity begins to grasp at me with growing fervor as I begin to plummet; my gear completely failing me!

I was about to fall on the massive red monster, when there was this loud battle cry quickly followed by a hissing sound and I was suddenly thrown for a loop by Titan smoke spraying up at me and throwing me back up into the air.

My stomach was doing somersaults as I spun and I quickly lost my sense of direction. I couldn’t tell which way was up anymore as the sun was blocked out by the grey smoke filling the air, it was so hot I felt like my whole body had just been drenched! With another burst of wind, the smoke cleared and the Colossal Titan had disappeared!

Just as I began to fall again, my brain kicked into high gear and I was bombarded with a slew of information. Eren had saved my life, that Titan probably planned this attack since it took out the cannon’s, the Armored Titan shouldn’t be far behind and my gear is jammed; I’m about to fall to my death!!

(F/N)!” Eren’s voice rang out and I acted fast.

In a blink I twisted my body in the air and slackened one of my lines as much as I could. I then spun the hook quick enough that the wind from me falling wouldn’t disrupt the spin. I then threw it upward; hoping that it would be enough to keep me from dying at this moment.

I watched as the sparkling end of my hook flung straight at Eren and he caught it, causing this small flash of red as it cut his hand. He hooked it into his gear before it went taught and deployed against the wall, rooting him in place and bringing my drop to a very sudden, but thankful stop. I let out a sigh of relief, dangling from his belt by a literal thread that just saved my skin!

I started ascending and looked up to see Eren was reeling me in by hand, pulling me up to him. “Hang in there (f/n), I’ve got you!” he calls out and I smile for just a moment.

_He’s got me…_

I then recall the vibration I’d felt in my hips and looked down to inspect myself, to see what when wrong when I spot it. When I’d pulled my trigger, the metal paneling around my right line had popped free and jammed up my attempt to deploy.

I immediately dug my finger into it and started pushing the panel back into place when I felt a warm body press up against me. I looked up and found myself nose to nose with Eren, who was looking at me with wide, concerned eyes. My whole body had been lifted up and my hips were pressed against his, our gear fitting snuggly around one another.

I then turned my eyes back down and smacked the handle of my trigger against my palm, causing another vibration in my hips and I presented it to Eren.

“This paneling game loose, nearly got me killed. Imagine that, I come all this way just to get killed by a technicality.” I muse when I realize his concerned expression has changed to a glare.

“Are you crazy? What were you thinking diving off the wall like that?!” his tone was accusing so I returned his glare.

“I was following you but it began destroying the cannons so I had to jump if I didn’t want to be slapped. You saw that though, right? It knew exactly what it was doing; kicking a hole through the gate and taking out a mode of our defense!” I say and Eren’s eyes ventured past me.

“Yeah, I did. It seems to harbor some kind of intelligence but that discovery doesn’t help us now. We’ve got to-Oh no!” he exclaims and I look over my shoulder at the ground below.

I could see indentations in the earth where that thing had been standing before, strangely I saw three holes instead of just two…why was that odd to me? Just beside that, I could see Titans meandering towards the entrance that bastard had created for them. It was like they knew they had all the time in the world to begin their inevitable assault on our people…again.

I felt this quake inside me, one more familiar than anything I’d ever known; it was like a calling to some deep-rooted part of my being. Adrenaline surged through my veins, the kind I used to feed off of every day. I glanced up at Eren and met his eyes…for just a moment before I unhooked myself from him and fell down a few meters before deploying properly.

_Good, the panel feels stable. It’s still loose so I’ll have to keep a good enough distance from the ground to ensure that if it fails I’ll either have enough time to correct it before I die or that I can manage a quick dirt walk and fix it on the run._

“(F/N) STOP!!” Eren shouts down to me but I was already going, going, gone!

The fire in my belly, the hatred I felt against them, the fear, the pain as the belts constricted over my body and carried me on the wind; I felt EVERYTHING!

I was on my first target before it knew I was there and slashed at its neck; dropping the beast in a flash then rushing back to a safe spot on the wall. I took a deep breath and felt my long braid bump against my lower back as I took in the view before me.

Fortunately, the Titans were all spread out so it would be easy to pick them off one at a time and not overwork myself. I could probably manage that and give at least a small buffer for the others to get their bearings and for the people to evacuate!

I heard someone above me and turned to see Eren coming down to me. “Eren, get the Generals to evacuate the people now! I’ll take out as many as I can and buy you guys some time!” I yell and he stops a short distance above me. He’s not close enough for me to see his expression, but I know by his voice that he is shocked.

“Are you nuts?! We need to join the ranks with the others, rally the troops for all the man-power we have!” He shouted.

“Negative! You guys need time and I can buy you some but you guys need to start evacuating now! Go with them and if they want me that bad then tell them exactly where I am and what I’m doing! I’ll take the heat for it later!”

“(f/n), I’m not arguing with you! Get your ass up here!” he ordered.

“The more time you spend fighting me, the less time people will have to get out of the danger zone! I know what I’m doing, remember our discussion, where I was for two years and what I’ve already done! Please, believe in me!” I beg and at first, he seemed taken aback but the sound of Thomas calling out to him made him turn and leave me.

I felt my body fall back into the world I’d lived for two years, my breakfast, lunch and dinner was how to survive and how to kill Titans!

***EREN***

We were within the castle walls, near our gas storage and milling about like a herd of cows. Why weren’t we being briefed yet? Were they still collecting the other cadets? We’d already refilled our gas tanks and reloaded on blades, yet no one was telling us what the plan was.

As much as I tried to keep my head level and my thoughts on the encroaching battle, my eyes still scanned the crowd of my comrades, searching for her face but I didn’t see her anywhere. My fist was starting to ache I was clenching it so tightly, I never should have left her!

I worried for a moment when the low hum of chatter is silenced by the sound of a loud crack! We all turn to face the sound and it’s then that I see her now, surrounded by our superiors; one of which who just slapped her across the face!

“What the hell are you trying to do soldier?! You got a death wish or something?!” he grabbed the front of her shirt and lifted her small form off the ground, bringing her almost nose to nose with him. “Because if you wanna die so badly, I’ll just cut you down right here!”

 _Get your hands off of her!_ My mind screamed but I hesitated as I looked a little closer.

She had strange dents all over her gear and her clothes were coated in dust and dirt. There were small nicks and tears all over her uniform and the seam on her right shoulder was split. Adding to that, her clothes looked dried out and crusty in a few spots, something we were told to expect if we got Titan blood on us.

“I was trying to buy the people some time to escape! I had the Titans attention since no one else was by the hole, SIR! I kept them back for as long as I could before I ran out of gas, SIR!” she said, maintaining her salute despite her feet not touching the ground.

“That is not your call to make! You nearly got yourself and others killed out there because you decided to be reckless! You have a duty to uphold and you can’t do that if you’re getting your comrades killed while they try to rescue your sorry ass!” He shouted, throwing her back to the ground; she stumbled but managed to stay standing.

“Next time you want to play fast and loose with your life, do it quickly and out of the way instead of wasting our resources to do it. You really think you serve the people by dying a fool’s death?” he asked her loudly, starting to turn and walk away from her.

“WE COULD ALL DIE A FOOLS DEATH TODAY SIR!” she shouted and everyone gasped as the General turned around to face her again; she maintained her salute.

I felt a strange pang in my chest, something odd and new, exciting and infuriating all at the same time. Something about the way she was standing there and raising her voice, how she looked at the moment. I couldn’t put my finger on it and it was maddeningly prodding at the back of my mind.

“Permission to speak freely sir?” she asked, speaking loudly and clearly.

“Why bother asking now? Talk,” he sighed.

“After Cadet Jaeger returned here with the others, I started a thinning of the herd on the Titans to buy us some time.” People started muttering, trying to understand what she meant but I shushed them; knowing she would explain. “Beyond the walls, Titans don’t bunch up together; they spread out. As they begin to close in on the wall, the hole will force them to file in one by one which will cause congestion outside; allowing them to bunch up and make killing them difficult. I remained and set myself out to attack because if they remain spread out, it’s easier to take them down when there are only one or two in a space rather than a massive group.”

The muttering resumed around me, everyone saying what I was thinking…that’s genius! Keeping them separate wouldn’t allow for any one or even four soldiers to become overwhelmed. The area just outside the wall is also completely open grassland so there’s no where for a Titan to hide!

“I relayed this same information to the others before I returned here. If they continue where I left off, we should have ample time to evacuate the city and prepare our defenses so that we can make our next move! I managed to cut down seven Titans before I left, menial numbers to you sir but I feel strongly that thousands of lives could have ended if I’d just run away. I have not in any conceivable way stopped the onslaught we will inevitably face but I managed to put it on hold. I realize that I laid my life down prematurely and I didn’t think it all the way through when I started but I was thinking of the lives that would have been lost. If I’m going to die, I want my blood and bones to be a barrier for at least a few lives! The life of one who can defend herself against them in exchange for the lives of those who cannot, SIR!” her voice rang out like a bell and everyone was silent; the only sound was the clamor beyond our own little walls here.

My eyes were tracing her stance; the firmness of her salute, her poised shoulders, her (h/c) hair tightly braided behind her and just hanging above the swell of her rear. I couldn’t take my eyes off of her, she was unlike anyone that I’d ever seen and raced into the heat of battle without a second thought. Seven Titans already…incredible.

The General sighed and scowled at her then pointed at the doors behind her, leading into the gas storage.

“Refuel and prepare for battle cadet and don’t expect this type of insubordination to be overlooked again,” he turns to us and there’s a rumble as we all fall into a salute. “THAT GOES FOR ALL OF YOU!”

“SIR YES SIR!” a loud call in unison shook the walls and when he turned away, we relaxed.

I watched as (f/n) walked into the storage and waited until it seemed everyone started talking amongst themselves again before I went in after her.

The storage room for our gas was nothing more than a glorified barn, painted white on the outside but bland and a little dusty on the inside. Massive gas tanks stood, lined along the walls and throughout the middle, a few stalls with smaller tanks for our gear neatly piled within in any open space available.

I saw her step over to the farthest stall with two tanks in her hands, ready to load up again. I walked over and she didn’t notice me until I was standing right in front of her. I could see the coloring skin on her cheek where the General had hit her.

“Eren,” she started and put the tanks down beside her gear and stood up to look at me. “Look, I don’t need another lecture. I got my ass chewed pretty good while I was escorted back here. I made a judgement call and I’m not sorry about it. It was a gut reaction that I learned in those two awful years among those abominations!” she defended, pointing behind me and looking into my soul with fire in her (e/c) eyes.

“(f/n)…” I started but she kept talking, I don’t even think she heard me.

“The only thing I’m sorry for is if I worried you, survival is in my blood. Those people needed someone to think of them and I have to be that someone because our higher ups, as much experience as they have; no one thinks about the little guys. _We_ used to be the little guys and we were nearly left behind, a mere afterthought in a time of crisis! You can be mad at me if you want to be but I’m standing by my decision when I say I made a good call!” she crossed her arms and stared at me, waiting for me to argue.

I could almost see that she had tons more she could say, plenty of wind in her sails to fuel the entire army if we could harness it.

As I tried to form words, I realized why I’d been so enraptured with her a moment ago, why I’d been etching her body into my mind at that very moment as she stood before our superiors. Hearing the strength in her voice and the brilliance behind her plan and how effective it was in buying us precious time to prepare, set off an earthquake in my loins.

I hadn’t even realized what I’d done until I’d already done it; I sprung forward and wrapped my arm around her waist; pulling her flush against me and capturing her mouth with mine.

She didn’t try to resist or push me away at all, she breathed out through her nose and her body rested against me with such a rightness, she felt like a piece of me I’d lost. Her hands rested against my chest and tried to stand up on her tip toes to get closer but I was one step ahead of her.

I suddenly felt my hands slide down her lower back, over her rear, press against the back of her thighs and I lifted her up against me. Her legs wrapped around my waist as I hoisted her up and I pushed her up against the wall, kissing her harder than before. It was like were back in that empty hallway, just us in that dark hallway at boot camp.

I could feel the heat of her body under her clothes and I pressed my hips against her, drawing a sound from her that she moaned into my mouth. A strange yet wonderful sound that I’d never once heard, but I squeezed her, pushing my tongue against her lips and instead of her backing away like before, she opened her mouth and made another sound. It was somewhere between a gasp and a yelp, making this insatiable need for her flared up inside me. I pulled away for a moment to breath but I ended up growling against her parted lips.

“Fuck,” I pulled back again and nudged her chin with my nose; forcing her to look up and expose her neck. I lightly bit into her throat and she gasped, arching her body against me. My chest burned as I felt her breasts press against me; a firmness I didn’t expect to set me off.

I sucked on her tender skin and she almost seemed to try and escape me but she clenched my shoulders and struggled to keep her voice down. “Eren~” she breathed, her voice cracking.

When I pulled back, I saw an imprint of my teeth on her skin, encircling this red and purple mark. She lowered her head and looked into my eyes and I whispered to her. “Mine,” my voice was barely above a whisper but it rumbled in my throat and she fluttered her long eyelashes at me. She smirked at me, betraying the pleasure she was lost in and I kissed her hard when a loud creak made me stop and I pressed her harder against the wall.

We listened and heard two other cadets discussing the upcoming briefing and the size of the hole in the gate, followed by a few metallic sounds and they were gone.

I had to bite the inside of my cheek to regain my composure, I’d started to move when I realize that my hips were still driven hard between her legs. We both shivered as I pulled back and she loosened her legs from around my hips, standing up again.

I started fixing my shirt and tried to ignore the aching my body began to radiate…aching for her. My head started swimming as I realized where this may have gone if we hadn’t been stopped. I’d never even thought about sex before but…when I was with her, I felt unhinged, like nothing in the world would be more right, than to be close to her.

I shook my head when I heard her strapping her gear onto her hips, and turned to look at her. Her cheeks were dark but her eyes were focused on the task in her hands. She then turned her eyes to me and stood up straight, affixing the last of her straps into place.

“I can handle myself out there, I expect the same of you. If I get into a tight spot, don’t come for me. There’s not gonna be anytime to cherry pick who gets to live today.” She says and I nod.

We were on the same page then; this wasn’t a time where we could run to the ones we care for because they’re in trouble. If we can help, obviously we will…but unnecessary risks were pointless and would only cost us more lives. She knew better than anyone of us and I closed my eyes, pressing my forehead against hers and she sighed at the sensation; feeling her skin against mine was relaxing.

I exhaled and opened my eyes to meet her gaze, if only for a moment. I could feel in this moment, I wasn’t a soldier…I was a man, a man with the girl he loved in his arms and a war outside waiting for us both to enter the fray.

“(f/n), I love you…with every fiber of my being…I love you.”

Her eyes grew wide, she seemed surprised but she smiled, wide and her eyes lit up as well; she was happy.

“I love you too Eren, I love you so much.” She jumped against me, our gear crashing against each other as I caught her and held her tight, reviling in her excited kiss.

Thinking about this moment, honestly; I didn’t know when I’d get another kiss but there was definitely going to be another one. I had more to fight for than ever before; a world outside to see, my friends at my side and (f/n) in my arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wanna read chapters before anyone else? Can't stand waiting for the next installment? Subscribe to my Patreon and gain access to project polls, WIPs and early access to chapters. Chapters are posted as soon as they're ready VIA Patreon and only are released on my designated upload dates on my platforms (to spare a little extra work on myself)  
> Upload schedule is however available on my Discord under the 'Upload Schedule' tab!  
> Join my discord: https://discord.gg/6zhFyEK


	9. The Inevtiable and The Unexpected

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's time to be divided into teams, you are set to be on the Supply Team...but things take a turn for the unexpected as you are forced to face the inevitability of human nature; fear and loss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING – I Hate That I Love You will touch upon these topics in order to tell the story. In no way, shape or form are you meant to repeat or replicate the actions performed by the fictional characters within this work.  
> Reader discretion is advised. (Use common sense please)  
> Kidnapping, Torture, Medical Experimentation, Human Mutation, Sexual Assault, Sexual Abuse, Trauma, PTSD and Animal Abuse (for villainous purposes, not of our lead characters causing it. We don't stan animal abusers, period.)  
> Taking these warnings into account, enjoy :3

After the briefing, we were divided into our positions and set into teams. Eren and Armin were placed on a team together near the center of Trost, Mikasa had been placed among the Elites by special request whereas I was placed on the supply team.

I watched as their teams left and I was left back with the others as they started out into the city. I heard a few cadets beside me who were praying for our safety and I had to walk away, my mother’s voice ringing in my head.

_I refuse to worship any God who damns a world of beings he created to witness the atrocities we’ve had to face. The amount of innocent lives lost; the amount of blood spilled…I sooner slay this so-called God before I would bow to his feet._

Praying wouldn’t do any good, if anything it would just tell this so called ‘God’ where to strike next and with acute precision…He would.

The job of the supply team was to ensure that the three teams out in Trost were able to get up the walls once it was time for us to fall back. The completion of the evacuation would be one part of this attack, once it was completed, the gate to Trost would be closed off and sealed. The soldiers still inside would be ordered to leave the city and our next move would be made from there.

It felt like forever waiting for those hours to pass, just sitting here and twiddling my thumbs but finally the time to leave began to near. I started loading myself up with some extra canisters when I heard what sounded like arguing.

“Captain, please wait!” I heard someone’s voice and I peeked around the pillar to see three other cadets trying to keep our commanders from leaving. Where were they trying to go, I wonder? “There’s only a handful of us left, sir! If the Titans were to attack here in force, we wouldn’t have a chance in hell of holding them off!” he sounded frantic.

What’s going on? Are they thinking of splitting us up even further? That’s crazy!

“Please, sir. We need you here!” a female cadet pleads.

“Out of my way, soldier. We have to get going.” He said with a grim calmness to his voice…but I could see the sweat on his wrinkled cheeks. “My expertise is needed to help direct the reinforcements.” Woermann didn’t even sound like he believed his own words.

I hoped I was just hearing things, there’s no way this is happening right now. They’re trying to retreat… _without_ us!!

Of those three cadets at the door, two boys and one girl, the boy with shorter brown hair to the left spoke up. “Behind the safety of the inner gate. Am I right?” his voice was bitter.

Woermann prickled at his words, but remained calm. “Just what the hell are you implying? They need my help reorganizing. Or would you rather us be overwhelmed due to a logistical nightmare!?” he shouted and I could see things continuing to spiral and I started forward when the girl stepped up again.

“But-but sir! If we lose those supplies-”

“That’s enough!” Woermann shouted and directed his blade right at her, making me freeze in place.

“Question my orders again, or delay me in my duties and I’ll run your treasonous hide straight through!” he yells and my head burned as they immediately stepped to the side and just like that…we were left behind.

I kicked myself; why hadn’t I acted? Why hadn’t I stopped them!? What could I have done though? Four Generals versus us four green cadets…we wouldn’t have stood a chance anyways. Well…they’re gone, like the cowards they are and without them…we were basically flying blind now.

I took a deep breath and kicked a rock away from me as I started loading myself up with supplies. At the moment, we had to stick to the plan and aid our comrades in the field. We can’t carry as many supplies now that we’re down four bodies but we had to go forward, we had a job to do.

I was just about to start strapping up when I heard sniffling and looked up, my comrades were on the ground, curled up and crying; all in various stages of panic. I dropped what I had and rushed over.

“Guys, what are you doing? We have a job to do, get up! We have to stock up and get out there!” I started when the boy with longer brown hair grabbed me by my shirt front and shook me; his eyes mad with fear.

“We’re not going out into that nightmare! Without leadership, what good are we?!”

I scowled and grabbed his wrists, silently cursing my short stature for making it easy to lift me off the ground. “What we were trained to do, that’s what we’re gonna do! You want to leave our friends out there without any gas!? How are they going to withdraw if they can’t get up the wall?! That’s the whole reason we stayed back to begin with!!” I countered.

“They’re already dead! If there was even a chance for us then why would our captains abandon us like that?!” he screamed, spitting on my cheeks when the girl ran over and started pulling on his arm; tears dripping from her cheeks.

“Please, stop this!! Stop fighting!!” she begged through choked sobs and he dropped me. I stumbled back and landed on my rear, her sobs fading into hushed but frantic breaths.

“Those generals were cowards, abandoning us the way they did…so you’re right about one thing. It must be bad out there…” I stood up and dusted myself off. “All the more reason for us to pull it together and do our jobs!” I shouted and he started laughing, the girl backed up to stand beside me, looking frightened.

“You wanna go out there and get yourself killed? You’ll get some kind of sick kick being eaten alive?” he muttered crazily as he sank down into a ball and his laughs distressed into sobs.

Watching fear eat away at this guys mind was absolutely horrific, the fact that it broke down a soldier to being a mere target…he’d die out there for sure. I turned to the girl, my eyes pleading but she backed away, shaking her head.

“I’m sorry, (f/n) …I…I can’t…I can’t do it.” She rushed over to him and curled up beside him, clinging to each other and they both cried.

Their fear destroyed them, almost like a horrible disease it ate away at them and broke them down to nothing. I started to feel the need to retreat rumble in my chest but I sighed to release that need out of my body; it would do me no good since I was not about to run away with my tail between my legs. My friends were out there, Eren was out there…fighting for our lives and laying theirs down. I wasn’t going to just leave them…I had to go to them!

I turned away from them and started loading myself up with as much gas as I could. Four under each flap of my jacket, four more on my back and two extras against my thighs, plus the two I need to get out there. I had to ask my blubbering comrades to give me their straps since they weren’t gearing up anyways…they did so but looked confused as they watched me figure out how to strap so much to my tiny frame.

I wasn’t the biggest, I was even shorter than Krista but what I lacked in height I made up for in something my father always called moxie. He said it was an old term from his ancestors to describe nerve or determination; he said mom had that and its why he fell in love with her. He had no doubt that once me and my sisters grew up, we’d have moxie too, since it was in our blood.

I started towards the door and cast a final look back at those three, it was going to be bad…really bad, but I couldn’t just shy away from things once they get difficult. I didn’t spend all these years of my life preparing for this day just to run away when it was time.

Two years among the Titans.

Three years in training.

One day…seven kills so far…I couldn’t give up on my people and always had to remember what my mother had taught me.

I started for the doors when they were ripped off and I was staring into the searching eyes of a 6-Meter-Titan, looking down on us! The beast had brown, shoulder length hair and big round eyes. Its body was oblong and swollen, like a giant baby with a tiny head.

I heard screaming behind me and I turned tail back to the others, grabbing them by their arms and pulling them to their feet. I almost had to drag two of them when I realized the third one, the boy with short hair…hadn’t moved! I was about to go back for him when the 6-Meter-Titan reached out and squashed him with one move; splattering his blood all around and destroying his body.

_Damn it!!_

His fear condemned him to death…there was nothing I could do for him. I could feel the subtle resistance in their feet as I pulled them towards the elevator. They were debating as to whether we should even bother trying to run, their fear was going to damn them to the same fate I just witnessed and I refuse to let it happen now! I threw them with all my strength into the wooden crate on a pully system that we called an elevator. I then dove at the lever before looking back and watching them ascend into a safer level of this castle.

“(F/N), WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!” the girl screamed down at me.

“I’ve got a job to do, get somewhere safe! Thanks for trying you guys! Wish me luck!” I called out and I could see this little flicker in her eyes as she disappeared from my sight. I turned to see the Titan from the doorway, starting towards me but I deployed, avoiding it and another 6-Meter outside. I got up onto a higher building and watched as a group of what looked like six or seven Titans swarmed the depot…what I had was all we had now.

We’ve been completely overrun, as if things hadn’t been bad enough before. I hope they find a place they can hide…if they can wait it out for now…they can have another chance. I had to think about that, focus on that…it was the only thing that made me act to save their lives.

_Not everyone knows how to be brave, sometimes they have to witness it first hand before they can do it themselves._

Mother…

I looked out over the city and could see where everything was falling apart at the seams; fires spouting black smoke into the sky and dust from toppled buildings. I took a deep breath and made my way out into Trost, musing about why I did the things I did today.

Why not just leave and follow the generals?

Why not just leave those cowards to die?

Why not just escape to the inner wall and leave the others behind?

The teachings that had been beaten into me from such a young age and had been intensified for two long, grueling years in Titan Country. These things that were ingrained into my very bones, they may be the only thing that can help turn the tables in this, our darkest hour.

My mind raced alongside me as I tried to think about how many might be without gas, I only had so much; maybe enough for 6 people? 7 if I counted my re-fueling tanks that I brought so that I could keep moving.

I was pulled from my thoughts as a frosty droplet hit me between the eyes and I saw that the clouds above me darkened, the air was heavy and cold. It happened like the changing seasons, the sky opened up and rain poured over everything, soaking me in seconds. My uniform hugged my body tight, causing an embarrassing see-through effect on my shirt and pants. I resented my black undergarments but it was far from the most important thing right now.

The rain ran through my long (h/c) hair as I went, I didn't feel weighed down or anything...I never did when it rained.

The air freshened right away, a chilly pure air that mother had always relished in. She said it weighed down the minerals in the air, everything around became clearer without all the dust and the air became reborn, like a baby. Innocent, unsullied, clean and pure; she would always take deep breaths and sigh happily during the rains.

The smell almost justified the leaky roof my dad hurried to fix. Mother always worried he'd slip off the roof and break his neck, but he never did. My dad was so natural in the rain and he ended up soaked and cold and happier than anything when mother gave him a warm spot in front of the fire to warm up and dry off.

I felt a tremor and was dragged from my memories to find myself surrounded by Titans, but none seemed to see me. The fog from the rain masked everything, including my smell. What's better, the rain caused a dense fog and hid me from view. The only downside; it somewhat cloaked them from my view as well.

I felt every fiber in my body fire and I was all tensed up; ready for anything that might happen and tried to keep steady and quiet. My memories were going to get me killed out here! I'd looked back on fond things before and even tough things...but ever since I joined the military, I quickly began to lose myself in those memories...why? In fact, those memories had never been so vivid before. Those little details about everything were so clear as if I could conjure them before me if I tried hard enough.

I shook it off and forced myself to remain focused, trying to shake off the memories of rainy days in a leaky little cottage. I surged forth but ended up hitting a small snag when I tried to jump from one roof to another and slid down a panel! My gear clanged against the roof but my foot caught the next panel and I sighed, steadying myself. I tensed for my jump and made it only to have a Titan burst forth from within the heavy white fog. My body reacted without me as its hand came into view, ready to swat me out of the air. I coiled up and tensed myself, raising my blades to hopefully absorb some of the blow.

It struck my blades at the perfect angle, slicing into its own hand despite simultaneously throwing me violently to the side. I crashed into a building built of hard, grey bricks and slid to the dusty alley below, a skinny space between the buildings. I hear the heavy metal of the gas tanks I’d strapped to my body as they flew free from their holds and rained down into the alley with me.

I bounced once after I landed and my torso struggled to expand, the wind effectively knocked out of me. I rolled onto my side, curling up and trying to force myself up when a metal gas tank slammed into the ground inches from my eyes and I immediately covered my head with my arms, more tanks raining down over me. I remained still, curled up like a frightened mouse until the sound stopped and I waited.

I didn’t move an inch until I was sure there were no more and I dared to look up, lowering my arms. The sky above was still grey with clouds and the air was clean, save for the stench of death and dust all around me. That Titan had swatted me out of the air but I didn’t feel any tremors or hear any loud cries, it either couldn’t find me or thought I’d already died.

I could feel small grains of dirt and debris sticking to me all over my body and the fall had made my braid come loose from it’s tie, a few locks straying from it. I felt dirty and uncomfortable but I’d pushed through worse, I just have to keep going and look ahead.

Speaking of, I looked ahead and at the very end of the alley I saw my bandanna on the ground. It must have fallen off when I fell. I started to get up, careful not to make too much noise with my gear still on me. Once I was on my feet and I hadn’t heard any tremors, I started towards the end of the alley and snatched out at my bandanna.

From the shadows of this alley to the deceitful light beyond, I saw my bandanna as a beacon of hope…that we still had a chance. That thought was quickly shattered as I laid my fingers on the cloth and felt something under it. I pulled back and felt my stomach give a violent heave as I saw what it had landed on…a hand! Someone’s arm had been severed and I knew exactly who that arm belonged to.

The fact that I had to identify him by his hand alone was the first of many cracks soon to come in my heart. My quivering heart stopped when a massive hand reached out and caught my arm! I struggled violently as it dragged me out of the alley and lifted me up into the air, using its other hand to grasp around my hips and legs like a doll. This fucking thing wasn’t just the same Titan that swatted me out of the air like a fly, it had _waited_ for me to show myself!

This sent a chill through my entire body as I realized this Titan-similar to the Colossal, though not nearly as remarkable looking-seemed to have some semblance of intelligence as well.

It brought me up to its face and looked at me with its massive, black soulless eyes. It stared down at me, scrutinizing me carefully as if granting me the time to process what happened here.

Eren had been killed…he had been eaten…by a Titan! Things were _worse_ than I could have ever imagined!! My eyes filled with heat as tears began flooding down my cheeks, that pain spreading through my body.

He’d promised to be…careful…he promised me…and yet he was gone. I felt a fiery flash through my chest as his beautiful face flitted across my mind. His green eyes gazing off into the distance, his brown hair smelling of hazelnut and the heat off his body was like a cozy fire. His lips, his hands, his voice…all the little things that made him up…were gone.

I could feel myself fading out of reality, I let this wave of a simpler time take me instead of fighting it; I’d rather die remembering my family, not watching my body be devoured.

I was little, too small to see over the crowds, sitting on my mother’s shoulders. I could see The Scouts returning from their latest expedition. Commander Erwin leading up front with Captain Levi at his side. The captain turned his icy gaze upon me and I bowed my head respectfully. He didn’t seem to understand but found himself drawing his horse to a stop.

That’s right…I’d met Levi long before the wall fell, I was just too little to remember. He’d come over to us, the crowd parting like the Red Sea to let him through and my mother curtsied kindly to the shorter man. “Hello there, Captain Levi.”

“Hello there (m/n), it’s been a while since I’ve crossed paths with you. Who’s this?” he pointed at me and I smiled.

“This is my daughter; (f/n). She’s the youngest of my bunch, can you say hello honey?” she opted me but I didn’t exactly greet him like a normal kid.

“Aren’t you guys ever scared? I mean, people die-” Mother cut me off.

“(f/n)!” she scolded but Levi held his hands up, as if silently asking to hold me; his expression remaining the same.

She paused and carefully lifted me off her shoulders, putting my tiny form in his hands. He held me against him and looked down at me, my tiny hands resting on his chest and toying with the frilly cloth around his neck. I would later learn that his ‘cloth’ was actually called a cravat.

“Go ahead, ask your question.” He said easily, everyone around us waiting; captivated by the interaction.

The world’s strongest soldier entertaining the curiosity of a measly little child.

“People die out there, right? Isn’t it scary? Don’t you ever wanna run away?” I asked quickly and this gleam took to his eyes, pointing at himself with his free hand.

“Yes, it is scary but if we ran away from everything scary, even _more_ people would die, wouldn’t they?”

I nodded, knowing his deadpan reply had seemed to knock everyone else over the head but it made perfect sense to me. It also prompted another question though.

“So how do you stay brave?”

“Let go of your fears, they’ll just get you killed. You’ll understand it better once you’re bigger.” He handed me back to my mother and I mulled over his words in my head.

“I’m sorry Levi, she’s very outspoken. Never afraid to say what she thinks, you can see which one of us she takes after.” My mother says and there are a few small chuckles around us and a few scoffs.

“It’s alright, she was just curious.” He says before looking down at me again and quirking an eyebrow at me.

“So…does that mean there’s still stuff you need to understand?” I say and he tilts his head, not seeming to understand.

“Why would you say that?”

“Well, you’re gonna get bigger too, right?” I say and mother jerked a little to the side as she stifled her laughter.

Levi simply placed a hand on my head but I could see a vein popping up on his temple. “Sweet kid,” he says then turns and it was then that I’d seen the Wings of Freedom for the first time. The silver and navy blue against the army green of his cloak…struck a chord with me.

I smiled at the memory; we’d met so many years before because my mother had known them before. Levi _had_ seemed like he had a bone to pick with me early on. I returned to reality but found myself exactly where I’d been when I’d faded away; in the Titans hand, it staring at me. Accept now, it was sniffing my hair greedily!

How long had I been lost in the world of my own memories?! This thing hadn’t killed me yet…it was so busy sniffing me and I saw an opportunity form; one that awoke my urge to fight again. I struggled; trying to get free and survive but its grip on my hips was too tight and I couldn’t get free nor reach my blades to cut myself loose!

As I looked around, hoping to inspire a solution, the fog had begun to clear as the rain slowly lessened and I saw my salvation…someone seated on a roof nearby! I’d know that golden mop of hair anywhere, it’s Armin! He’s kneeling there and I started waving my arms and yelling.

“Armin! Over here!!” I cried.

He turned to look at me, his eyes looking red and swollen; he’d been crying. Of course, he had, Eren and him were childhood best friends and if he was still here…he likely saw him die.

“Take out the Titan now, while it’s distracted!” I shouted and he got to his feet…but remained where he was, just staring at me.

My heart sank, don’t tell me…the fear followed me from the depot and now he was infected, the disease of fright gluing him to his place now.

“Armin!” I screamed, something in my voice making him raise his eyes to me and he seemed to be listening.

Poor thing was so fragile, he’d never hurt a fly but he needed to remember where we were and what we were facing, who he is and what we are!!

“Armin, please listen to me; I know things are bad and I can’t imagine the things you’ve seen…it’s Ok though! It’s Ok to be scared, that’s normal, it makes you human! It means you’re still alive!” The Titan shifted me in its grip, slowly losing interest in my hair, a strange growling noise emitting from its chest, vibrating around my body.

“Armin, we are soldiers too, if we let our fear control us then our people will continue to die! We have an obligation to them; we have a job to do! We have lives to live and people to protect! The last three years of our training couldn’t have been a waste, show me that you’re not just some fragile little boy who followed his friends like a damn sheep!” I yelled, my voice grinding in my throat.

His body visibly quivered and his shoulders tensed, his fingers shaking over the triggers. His blond bangs had overshadowed his eyes so I couldn’t’ tell if he was actually listening or not but I could see his fear fighting within him. His need to survive was battling with his fear, trying to get him to move in the hopes of self-preservation to some degree!

The Titan’s growling got louder and I screamed so loud I tasted blood in the back of my throat!

“YOU ARE A SOLDIER ARMIN AND NOW YOU NEED TO ACT LIKE ONE! GET YOUR ASS IN GEAR AND MOVE!!”

His head popped up to look at me and that's when I saw his eyes. His blue eyes wide, focused and something else...something I'd never seen in Armin's eyes before. Then it hit me, his eyes were wide with terror, anger, a whole slew of emotions I couldn't comprehend for someone like him; his eyes had a wild look to them, something akin to a wild animal.

He leapt forward as the Titan brought me to its open mouth then I felt a sharp pain slice across my back and hip then I was falling away from the Titans face and I deployed to follow Armin's fleeing figure. I got up beside him before spotting the alley I'd just come out of and pushing him down to go into it. Once inside, our gear fell quiet with one last metallic noise. I knelt beside him and covered his mouth as we waited, the Titan ran by quickly, we barely saw it aside from a blur of nude Titan flesh.

I sighed as the tremors faded away and soon, we were left in silence. I let go of Armin and smiled at him.

“Armin, you're incredible!” I grabbed hold of him and squeezed him tight, he struggled at first but quickly sighed and fell limp against my body. “Way to earn your keep my friend, thank you.”

He pulled away and nodded at me when I quickly became aware of how alone we both were. I lowered my head as Eren returned to my mind.

“Your team...is gone, aren't they?” I asked.

He dropped his head and nodded as well. I felt the biting pain in my back and hip and I cringed and fell forward onto my elbows, pushing my forehead against the dirty ground, pressing gravel and dust against my sticky forehead.

“(f/n), your back!” he moved to my left side and touched my back, pulling my shirt out of its tuck and revealing the wound.

“Is it bad?”

**ARMIN**

I felt bile rise in my throat again as I saw what I'd done. I’d managed to cut her free but I’d sliced too deep and had accidentally cut across her lower back and left hip! Her gear was pressing against the wound harshly and almost seemed to squeeze more blood out of the wound!

I looked up at her face and saw she was coated in a sheen of sweat, her skin visibly wet. Before I could process anymore information, I remembered where she’d been placed before our departure.

“I... you’re-supply-” I stumbled over my words clumsily when she raised her head, still wincing in pain.

“Yeah that's right, I'm on the supply team.” she replied, her voice something of a growl and she spoke through clenched teeth.

I looked back down at her injuries and she had sat back a little, straightening her back and re-tucking her shirt into her pants. She shook violently as she tried to get up but once she was standing, she seemed to steady.

“(f/n), you don't need to push yourself OK? What happened to your team?”

“Never you mind them Armin, help me out here.” she knelt down and start loading tanks against her body and I then noticed, we were surrounded by them!

“You...brought supplies...by yourself?”

“It's a long story Armin,” she said and shook her head, tossing her braid to the side like a heavy rope.

We found roughly 8 tanks that were still intact, the remainder were either not there or damaged beyond use. She had enough for 4 people, well 3 since she forced me to change mine.

She took mine and tapped them on the side, then she lightly dragged the tank against the cobblestones underneath us, making scrapes on the tank before tucking them away with the rest.

“Best we keep these ones too, so we can refill them later. I marked them with an X so we can tell them apart from the others.” she said and I nodded.

“That’s…really resourceful,” I say, my voice still shaking.

The sound of 3DM Gear approaching made us both look up to see several other cadets, whiz by overhead but one stopped and looked down the alley at us. It was Connie!!

**YOU**

“Connie!” I called out and he looked down and saw us, waving back.

“What are you guys doing on the ground!? Get up here!” he said and I moved to go but I stopped as this little whimper reached my ears. I turned to see Armin standing there, his eyes looking down but his mind was elsewhere, the blue color. I grabbed Armin and hoisted him onto my back, his body was pretty light and got us up to the roof myself. He was still and calm as I sat him down beneath a window to rest.

His eyes looked glossed over, almost grey and his face was blank, this joyless smile on his face. I guess that little adrenaline rush from before wore off already.

I turned to the group and saluted before suddenly, my knees buckled at this violent pinching sensation in my back. I fell to my knees but fell over onto my side, wincing and trying to resist the urge to cry. This pain was awful!! It felt like my back was open and the raindrops that still fell were heavy and unforgiving.

“What’s happened?” Krista’s voice was concerned but I could still hear the music behind it.

“I bet you sing pretty…” I said and Krista seemed surprised but held onto my shoulders as I tried to stand up.

“Wait a second, just take a little break.” She pleads and I nod, relenting and sitting there for a moment, letting her pet my hair as I used her leg as a pillow.

“What happened to you (f/n)?” Connie asked.

“Jeez, someone’s been put through the wringer.” Ymir says as she looks over Krista’s shoulder.

_If you lose your momentum that’ll just make the last laps seem longer, now come on!_

“Just a little accident, no big deal, I'm fine.” I grunted, trying to force myself up.

Eren’s voice, his warm hand under my arm, the encouragement in his eyes…I couldn’t give up now! He wouldn’t want me to.

“Listen, I'll save you guys the trouble; Cadet Squad 34 is gone. Thomas Wagner, Nack Tierce, Milieus Zeremski, Mina Carolina and…” I had to stop and take a breath. “Eren Jaeger were killed, Armin bore witness to it.” I said whilst Krista kept her arms out in case, I fell again but I managed to stand up, breathing through my teeth.

My back felt like fire but I was managing to ignore it by squeezing my fist tight enough that my nails dug into my palm. Everyone's eyes were wide and there was a tenseness that hadn't been here a moment ago, the fact that so many lives had already been lost was a big pill to swallow. I found myself surprised by this little ripple running through everyone when I heard someone gasp.

“Mikasa! Weren’t you with the rearguard?” when someone else shushed whoever it was that spoke up.

“What?” I gasped and turned to see Mikasa staring at me. She just stared at me for a moment when she pointed at me.

“You were with the supply team, weren't you?” she asked me.

There was a tremor amid the group and I nodded, lifting the flaps of my jacket revealing my 6 remaining gas tanks.

“I had more but I got ambushed by a Titan and lost the rest of them but I've got enough for 3 people now. Armin already has fresh tanks so he's Ok. And I've still got plenty left on my own so someone can take my refueling tanks.”

She nodded at me and I handed her two fresh ones, taking the ones she had. I gave my remaining tanks to Connie and Jean. Theirs weren't quite empty but not ideal for our current place and out of everyone, theirs seemed to be the lowest. I repeated the same scraping motion against the roof tiles and got another set of strange looks; I didn’t bother explaining why before I strapped them back into place. Once Mikasa’s tanks were set up, I could see her eyes were still on me but…not looking at me, more like she was staring right through me.

I knew she’d heard me a moment ago but didn’t know what to say or how to respond to her best friend being gone. Shit, I didn’t even know what I could say. I knew I was hurt, but because of the situation it was like I could feel my body bottling up the grief of having lost him so soon after confessing our feelings to each other. It was going to burst, the bottle of all my pain was going to break…at some point.

“Where's the rest of your team?” I heard Jean ask.

I bowed my head, clenching my fists…shit again; where to begin now?

“Well...you see, our generals deserted us. Said they had to go otherwise there'd be a 'logistical nightmare'. We were abandoned; they were cowards but misery loves company. My comrades gave into their fear as well and I was left alone with a choice to make. Hide with them and cower or I could load up and at least _attempt_ to do my job. I left right before the storage depot go overrun, so what I brought is all we have left. I managed to send two of them up into the core of HQ but the third of them was killed on my watch, I take full responsibility for his death.” I saluted to her and bowed my head.

She wasn’t my superior, if anything we were evenly matched…but I was in no condition to lead and she’d been chosen to join the Elite squad for a reason. As far as I was concerned, Mikasa was our leader at this moment.

_You looked right at home taking command._

I bowed my head lower, letting my (h/c) bangs fall to cover my eyes from Mikasa. I didn’t want her to see the agony within, it didn’t feel right to me. She and Armin knew Eren ever since they were children and I met him at the beginning of our training. She and I hadn’t spoken very much at all and after what I did during sparring training…she probably doesn’t like me. Out of respect for her and her apparent feelings for him as well, I would take my love for Eren to my grave.

She hummed and put a hand on my shoulder.

“Thank you, you might have just saved us.” She said and I kept my head down as she walked up to the end of the roof behind me; allowing me to let out a silent breath of relief.

Keep it together little bottle, don’t break yet…don’t break.

_*crack*_

“Marco, if we eliminate or bypass the Titans at HQ we can there refuel the few who still need gas and get over the wall, is that assessment correct.?” She said as she stood at the edge of the roof before them, all eyes on her.

“Well yeah, I guess so, sure. But there's just too many of them out there; even with you on point-” he started when she turned to face him, this cold look in her eyes.

“I can do it.” she said, unsheathing a blade beside her.

“What?” Marco whispered.

We all watched, captivated and frightened at the same time. I had stooped beside Armin, ensuring that he heard her, if my words couldn't pull him out of it, maybe hers could. They'd been friends _much_ longer than I'd been friends with Armin. She'd _have_ to reach him! Sure enough, his eyes were wide, clear and on her; he was listening.

“I'm strong, real strong. None of you come close, you hear me? I am a warrior!” She said pointing a blade into the sky. “Know this; I have the power to slay all of the Titans that block our path, even if I have to do it alone! As far as I'm concerned, I am surrounded by a bunch of unskilled, cowardly worms!” she pointed her blade at us. “You disappoint me, you can just sit here and twiddle your thumbs and _watch_ how it's done!”

I could only squeeze Armin's hand in the back. His eyes remained on her but he squeezed my hand back. “Please tell me she's joking; you ever heard her talk like this before?” I asked.

He shook his head. “No, not like this anyways.” he whispered as a few other cadets had stepped forward and had tried to talk some sense into Mikasa. She said something with her back to us and just like that, she leapt off the roof and started towards HQ!

I helped Armin to his feet as everyone just stood around in silence, the world around us seeming grimmer than ever. Jean was the one who ended up breaking that silence.

“You know, I was expecting something a little more motivational. Your way with words was kind of a letdown.” He says but unsheathes his blades, bringing eyes to him. “I blame everything about this on you, Eren!”

I couldn’t help but feel myself take that as a slight but I wasn’t able to think it over when he raised his blade into the air and called out to us!

“Hey! Don’t just stand there! We weren’t taught to let our comrades fight alone! ‘Less you are a coward, in which case stay out of my way!” with that, he and Connie both took off after Mikasa!

I just stared, shocked when Reiner began mumbling to his team. “Never expected that from him.” Then he and the others made to follow as well.

I was shocked as I watched everyone start forward, Sasha took to the edge of the roof then as well and yelled.

“Hey! Seriously, come on; ya bunch of chickens!” she then took off as well and I could feel the sparkles in my eyes bringing this new light around me.

Much in the way I watched fear dominate my comrades before like a disease, the drive to push past that fear started washing over everyone like a contact high!

“They’re nuts…” someone said.

“Damn it…alright, let’s go!” someone else yelled and we all raised our voices into a battle cry, sending more adrenaline through my veins and numbing the pain in my back.

Everyone took off after Mikasa with Jean delivering orders to us, most of us following in a clustered line. There were no groups at this point, just one long steady trickling of cadets that went forward with Mikasa and Jean at the front.

“Hurry up! Follow Mikasa! Avoid fighting if you can! And get to HQ before you run out of gas!” he yelled and I continued following up behind them, sticking close to Armin who always kept Mikasa in her sights.

She cut down another Titan and continued to fly through the air like a bird in flight, as if it was the most natural thing in the world to her! I could also see something that was starting to make me nervous though. It was only a flash of it but her eyes would close and I wouldn’t see them open again until after she was already back up in the air, as if she were _literally_ flying blind!

“Damn, Mikasa is a bad-ass. How is she going so fast?” Connie asked.

“Armin, do you-” I started and he finished for me.

“Yeah, I see it too. She's using adrenaline to distract her from her grief! Those full tanks aren't going to mean much when-”

We heard the wet hissing sound and we both gasped. I'd given her full tanks less than 3 minutes ago and she was already empty!? She fell far and fast, we saw her bounce off a roof and roll down into the alley below. Armin and I both defected from the group to go after her…just as we went however, I found myself once again face to face with that same Titan from before! The hair sniffing one that swatted me out of the air earlier then dragged me out of the alley!

“ARMIN, MOVE!” I screamed and flung myself towards him, using my feet to push him down while I basically used him like a spring board and flew higher into the air.

I couldn't react fast enough this time as it swung and swatted me out of the air, not hard enough to kill me on impact but damn if it didn’t hurt like a bitch! I felt my stomach lurch as I went flying and the last thing I remembered seeing was a small market store front come rushing at me...then everything got dark...

**ARMIN**

That thing; how far had it followed us! It raised its hulking arm and swatted her out of the air and I heard several others call out to her!

She'd been the reason some of us had more gas! She had braved impossible odds to do her job and try to help us when the rest of her team, even her commanders abandoned her! I had to bite back and knew that I had to go get her when Connie bumped into me!

“Hey, come on man! We need to go get Mikasa! You saw that thing; it killed her Ok. I know that's tough but we gotta go!” He guided me along with him but in the back of my head, I couldn't help but feel that...she couldn't die...not that easily.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those that don't know yet, due to the Covid-19 situation continuing to get worse; I've been laid off from my job. It sucks (yes I cried) but it is what it is.  
> I wasn't initially ready for this sudden career jump, I would have rather done this once I had a larger following but I'm gonna have to go for broke (no one wants to hire right now in my area which is going to make things complicated)  
> My Patreon is linked on my page, I'm on Twitch and Youtube all under the same name DeadOnArrivalGirl and I'll be streaming every single day, playing dbd and other games, working on my stories and editing videos.  
> Even sharing my account would be super helpful and again, I can't thank you enough for your support and all my good prayers go out to you during this insane time. Good luck and take good care of yourselves and others.  
> As always, be extra kind to our essential workers as they're the only ones keeping the world from burning down at this point. <3 <3 <3


	10. Flesh and Steam

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The battle for Trost is fierce and violent, the air is heavy with death and the tremors of Titan feet fill the streets. How will you fair?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING – I Hate That I Love You will touch upon these topics in order to tell the story. In no way, shape or form are you meant to repeat or replicate the actions performed by the fictional characters within this work.  
> Reader discretion is advised. (Use common sense please)  
> Kidnapping, Torture, Medical Experimentation, Human Mutation, Sexual Assault, Sexual Abuse, Trauma, PTSD and Animal Abuse (for villainous purposes, not of our lead characters causing it. We don't stan animal abusers, period.)  
> Taking these warnings into account, enjoy :3

The first thing I could hear when I came to was my heart pounding in my ears, I was just barely able to hear the sound of stomping feet like thunder rumbling outside. I managed to open my eyes and could see the sky above me; clouds starting to part and reveal the blue sky behind them. The light from the sun made the clouds glow an ethereal light and I had to blink several times before my eyes adjusted.

Once I had adjusted, I could only see the sky through the hole I’d made when I fell through the ceiling. I looked around and saw that I was surrounded by the life of a small family that had been left behind in the evacuation. I could see homemade dolls, half eaten bread, broken dishes; likely knocked over in their rush to leave.

Everything around me was fading in and out of focus, blurry and then not. My vision was a mess of blurry browns and fuzzy dancing spots; but I had to move! In the back of my mind, I still thought about that Titan. The one with black eyes, block-shaped head and brown hair; why was it following me? It had stared at me for who knows how long, took even more time to sniff me, why? I’ve never heard anything like that being done before; they don’t care about our looks or smell…they’re just mindless, hungry beasts.

I put my hands down beside me and tried to roll over onto my side, aiming to at least drag myself out of the rubble. I could feel my belts constricting around my legs too tightly and jagged pieces of wood under me. I tried to twist my hips but a pain like no other wracked my stomach and caused me to straighten out again, gasping and moaning.

What is _that_?! I struggled to raise my head, grunting and quivering the whole way. Raising my head and looking down at myself, I see that in my landing, one of my pairing blades had stabbed me through the stomach! The handle was sticking straight up and I feared that it might have cut my spinal cord and cost me my legs.

Unbelievable! My first tour of duty and all the fighting I’ve done to get this far…over because I landed on my own fucking weapon! I was almost too scared to make an attempt at moving because I didn’t want to confirm what I was so scared of. I knew I had to though, if I didn’t, I was already dead. I could still crawl so I could still fight!

I laid my head back down on the floor and held my breath, if nothing moved then I…the glint of the blade made me realize just how easy it would be to cut my wrists. I’d bleed out in mere moments and I’d just fall asleep; it would sting but compared to a sword though my belly I’d hardly feel a thing.

I squinted my eyes hard and the sound of my boot scrapping across the floor made my heart soar; I can still move everything!

How am I _still_ alive?! I should have bled out…I should be **_dead_**!

I suddenly remembered an old story that my dad had mentioned, a friend at the shop where he used to do his carpentry got impaled by a skinny beam of wood through the shoulder, he lived to tell the tale after being saved by doctors. My dad described it as being roughly the size and shape of a chair leg, he was even back to work a few weeks later.

The doctors said that the beam had pierced an artery but the way it was wedged in was just right, keeping him from bleeding out and ultimately saving his life! If it had hit him at even a slightly different angle, it might have killed him.

I looked down at the blade again and tried to steel myself but I started whimpering and crying. The image of it ripping through my shirt and into my soft belly was grotesque to say the least, the consideration I was making was even more so. Was it physically possible for that same principle to apply to my spine? I was so scared of crippling myself if I did something wrong, but I think I’d rather die trying than just lay here and give up!

I reached up and wrapped my shaking hand around the handle of my blade, I grind my teeth together when I can feel tremors through the metal and I froze. I listened when I heard that same rapid, snarling breathing and I started to panic!

What am I going to do?! It’s coming and its only a matter of time before it smells my blood and comes finds me again! I looked down at my wound again and swallowed my fear, I’ve wasted enough time.

I reached down and had to feel my way through the process of removing the belt from around my waist, allowing my gear to fall loose at my hips with a soft metal thump. Once it was free, I folded the leather over twice then stuck it in my mouth and bit into it as I gripped the hilt of my weapon. I dug my heels into the floor and grasped it with both hands before pulling up with everything I could muster.

The blade sliced into my skin and I thought my teeth were going to break I was clenching them so hard, the bitter taste of the leather stung on my tongue. It was horrid as I felt the soft flesh of my belly softly press against each other as the blade slid out. This burning, stinging pain pulsed in my stomach, making me dig my teeth even deeper into the worn leather of my belt.

The handle of the blade was too high for me to pull up at a reasonable angle anymore so I lowered my other hand around the blade itself and it dug into my fingers easily but I ignored that pinching pain and focused on the agony in my gut! I pulled up and felt the blade start to resist me more so I stopped pulling. It was about to come out of the ground, had I kept pulling, I’d have eviscerated myself further. I wrapped both hands around the metal, the slicing on the calloused flesh completely numb now as my veins flooded with adrenaline. I pulled up ever so slowly and the blade almost rushed upwards out of me in a clean and smooth motion. I bit harder into the leather to keep from crying out and carefully laid the weapon down beside me.

Ok, I wasn’t pinned anymore but now I was trickling blood and I started to worry about the _lack_ of blood I was seeing. I feared that I was bleeding internally which would cause even more damage so I had to try and patch this up before I dared to move, lest my stomach actually fall out of my body.

Pressing my feet into the pile of rubble I was on and using my hands to carefully lift my upper body and hips. I sat up and pushed, dragging myself off the pile of rubble, one agonizingly slow movement at a time. I tilted my head back and saw the wall behind me, I angled my feet and hands to make a turn towards the hall of this small house. If I could find a bedroom or bathroom, I might have a chance at getting myself cleaned up at least enough so I could move.

Scooting up to the first open door, I saw a bed with sheets still on it and clothes scattered about. I snatched at the first cloth that was close and started ripping it apart, creating uneven bandages for myself. Once I had a small pile of ripped up fabric beside me, I started stuffing my gut. I didn’t push further than about half the length of my index finger, I didn’t want to do more damage than good. Once the front was patched up, I rolled onto my side and had to blindly feel my way over the wound on my back and slowly push the bandages into the hole.

My vision was already blurry from how scared I was and how hard I was crying but I felt the edges of my vision darken as the pain continued to get worse. I stopped and took a short break, if I passed out…I was dead. Once the darkness left my eyes, I started again and managed to finish packing the wounds as best as I could. I then clawed my way over to another piece of clothing, this time ripping it apart but in a single long strap. I then wrapped it around my hips in a way that wasn’t bulky and covered the wounds on my belly and back.

I spit out the belt and despite it being slippery with my spit and some blood, I unfolded it and wrapped it around myself again. Tightening the belt until it was acutely uncomfortable, I finally took a heavy breath and willed myself to get up. Every slight move made the bandages shift and the packing I’d used felt so foreign in me, like there was something stuck to me. I was now on my hands and knees, trying to get up but every time I tried to raise myself up, my back screamed with pain.

The muscles must be so damaged that I can’t even lift myself to stand! I crawled over to the bed and used my arms and shoulders to prop myself up and get to my feet. Once I had my feet firmly planted, I clenched my teeth and straightened my back. I felt this violent squish in my back and every part of me screamed to hunch forward again but I fought it back. I forced myself to stand up straight, the pain remaining and was excruciating!

That first step seemed to go straight to that spot in my back and had I not had a hand on the wall, I would have keeled over. I slowly made my way to the door and opened it slowly, ensuring that the old wood didn’t creak even a little bit.

I was struck by this strangely warm light and once I was outside again, I saw that the sky had begun to clear of all the clouds and the sun was shining down over Trost. The marred and butchered city was being bathed in the warm light and I could hear birds chirping as if there hadn’t been a slaughter here today.

The irony was eerily familiar, making me think back on that day in Shiganshina so many years ago…the similarities between then and now were just haunting. I shook my head to clear it of my thoughts before I got sucked into another vivid memory and looked around. This place looked so spooky without the bustle of people, all I could hear were Titans stomping around and this one ghastly roar that echoed from the direction of Headquarters.

As scary as that roar was, I needed to get to that old castle! I could find a place to hide and maybe even some medical attention…if I’m lucky.

I hastened my steps when I felt it again, this deep tremor in the earth and much closer than the others that filled the air. I looked over my shoulder to see it making its way towards me, the one with black eyes but…it was different now!

Its face was now stretched into a massive smile that spoke of thousands of tiny lives snuffed out with a bite. Its massive eyes, wild with hunger and blacker than coal. Its body had previously been that of a chubby infant but now it looked skinny, famished; honestly starving looking but its limbs were rippling with lithe muscles. It no longer walked on its two legs, it was crawling around on its hands and feet spread out like a spider! I felt this primal kick inside me and I started running, the pain in my back and gut fading to a dull throbbing and the rumbling around me began to grow louder.

I made a sharp turn down an alley between two tall buildings made of bricks and it smashed its face into the bricks, throwing me forward. I rolled through the impact and covered my head with my arms as a piece of flying brick bounced off my arm, likely leaving a bruise on my forearm.

I looked up and saw it still smashing its face into the space, destroying the buildings and trying to get to me. I got up and ran out of the other side of the alley, trying to lose that thing but just as I got out of the alley, it landed on the roof of a building to my left and I kept running.

Sweat was starting to trickle down by my ears as I continued running, hearing this damn thing decimate building after building as it chased me. Why was it so focused on me?! It literally followed me all over Trost, I’ve never seen a Titan this manic over a single target before. Even the Titans in Shiganshina-who hadn’t seen a human being in a year-weren’t this ravenous!

As I’m running, I had a moment of clarity…it could have killed me in the time I’d accepted my death and remembered a fonder time with my family. This monster had instead chosen to sniff my hair. It had been just another Titan at that time, nothing out of the ordinary. It began to change after that moment, something about my smell had made it become almost rabid with its hunt for me.

The only good thing about this chase is that I have a steady amount of adrenaline to numb the pain in my stomach. Maybe the internal bleeding will end my life suddenly and I won’t even know it; that’d be some unexpected blessing.

My legs were burning and my chest felt tight, my head felt like it was full of rocks and they were bouncing around, clacking together inside my skull and mincing my brain into pudding. I wanted to just give up but the sight of the open gate into the courtyard of Headquarters and my drive renewed. I drifted to the right to try and make it think I was turning that way. The feeling of it leaping into the air made me turn sharply to the left and I raced towards the gate when it suddenly landed in front of me, cutting me off from the castle! I skidded to a stop and scrambled to turn around, letting a loud scream ring out, praying that I’d be heard…by who, I wasn’t sure but I was desperate.

For the first time in my life, I was praying for someone, somehow…to help me.

***ARMIN***

The Rogue Titan had just fallen to its knees when this loud scream rang out into the air and we all turned away from it to find the source of the sound. I glanced back at the Titan and saw that despite being brought to its knees and no longer having any arms, it steadied itself and its pointy ears were twitching; seeming to hone in on the sound.

I worried that Jean’s suspicions of it turning on us after it ran out of Titans to attack were about to be proven true but Sasha’s voice rises above the rest and she points.

“Look, it’s (f/n)! She’s still alive!!” she called out and I followed her finger to see a female cadet on the ground with long flowing (h/c) hair trailing behind her in a ratty braid and a massive Abnormal Titan chasing after her!

“That’s impossible! We watched her get knocked out of the air by a Titan, she crashed into a building!!” Connie called out and he looked over at me. “Damn, I said your word is law but I never thought I would know a person who’d still be up and running around after a fall like that!”

I knew it…I knew she couldn’t die that easily! Watching her for a moment, the Titan makes a grab for her and she ducks down, the hand narrowly missing her head and she sprinted forward a little faster, trying to gain distance from the Titan. At that point I could see it, her entire back and rear were splattered dark red, a belt and bloody rags pressed into her back and my heart skipped a beat.

“She’s injured…badly,” I say and Reiner put his hand in his hair and sighed.

“Jeez, girl’s tough as nails. She’s gotta be running on fumes right now, let’s go get her.” He starts when a smaller hand on his chest, hardly phasing him but enough to make him stop. The hand belonged to Annie.

“It’s too late,” she says and that’s when the Abnormal Titan stood up and smashed a foot into the ground behind her, throwing her up into the air and snatched her out of the air, but not crushing her.

She screamed this unholy sound, Krista actually covered her ears and I flinched…we’d heard many screams today, but something about hers was just bloodcurdling. It stood up and brought her up to its face, holding her like a child holds a doll. It pressed its nose up against her bloodied belly and inhaled deeply, making everyone audibly shudder.

“That’s disgusting,” Ymir says and spits off the roof.

“It’s like its…infatuated with her. It did that before, it didn’t killer her when it caught her earlier, it sniffed her hair, but why?” I pondered aloud and Jean’s shoulder bumped against mine as he stood beside me.

“Why would these things care about how we smell?” He asked, voice still stern.

No one answers as the Abnormal Titan then tugs her arm away from her body and bites down onto her limb, making her let out another loud, gut wrenching shriek. Hearing her scream like that was making my stomach do flips and turns and Marco actually had to turn away and vomited over the edge of the roof.

“Why the hell is this so much worse than anything else we’ve seen today?” Reiner asked quietly.

“Because…there’s truly nothing we can do to help her.” Annie said and I turned to her, dumbfounded.

“But there are plenty more of us than that thing, we could-” she cuts me off.

“We could lose three of us trying to save her.” Her voice is steady and cold but she does look a little pale. “But I won’t lie…her screaming like that is making me uneasy.”

“But she’s one of us!” Connie shouts, also looking a little pale. “We owe it to her to at least try!”

“We’ve lost a lot of us today, what makes her so different from the rest? Because she bit the bullet and did her job right? It sounds cold, but the fact is that you’re ignoring the reality. What good would it do to risk losing even more lives in an attempt to save just her, logically?” she says and there’s a long moment of silence.

That’s the worst of it, the silence because we all knew she was right. After everything that happened today…we’d lost so many people and I had to see that agony in her eyes when Eren was mentioned. She cared about him so much…I guess the only solace I could seek in this day was that they would be together in the afterlife.

This ghastly train of thought was cut off when a deep tremor made us all look back to the Rogue Titan. It had previously been on its knees, seemingly at the end of its rope when it sprang to life again. It got to its feet and even though it had no arms, rammed its head into the side of the Abnormal and a massive cloud of steam filled the air around their heads.

The Abnormal Titan stumbled back and hit a building but didn’t fall over, managing to stay up. (f/n) was left to dangle from the Titans lips, her arm still inside its mouth while she looked limp, broken…honestly, she looked like she was already dead.

***YOU***

When it pulled my arm away from my side, I expected it to start pulling and I wish it had. It would have been quicker, less invasive and once the limb was dislocated, less painful.

It put my arm between its teeth and bit down, not enough to tear into my limb but just enough to press into my skin uncomfortably. I quivered as it began grinding its teeth on my arm and as soon as I felt the skin start peeling off my arm, I couldn’t stop screaming. Its tongue pressed against my hand and broke my fingers, pushing them around; I could feel the broken bones in my hand bumping into each other and causing this deep wet popping sound inside my arm that I felt more than heard.

The muscles in my arm were shredded as its teeth dug into me harder and its tongue kept passing over my limb, coating it in a thick layer of saliva. I felt marred and disgusting, of all the things I fought through and lived to tell the tale over…this was where I would end…how bitter is that?

There was the unmistakable sound of tremors drawing nearer; a second Titan it sounds like. Suddenly the Rabid Titan dropped my body but kept my arm between its teeth. The drop caused my elbow to snap easily but I only felt the pop and nothing beyond it, the muscle and remaining flesh seemed to be the thing keeping me from falling to my death now.

I glanced up and saw that the second Titan had viciously headbutted the Rabid Titan and I was struck with a massive burst of fiery steam from the injury. It felt like I was a loose fabric in the wind and a hard gust was threatening to tear more holes in my stitching.

Once the steam dissipated, I looked up at this new Titan and saw that it was very different from any other Titan I’d seen. It was muscular, but its arms were missing and its face was strangely angular and sharp. Its jaw was jagged, almost broken seeming I was jerked harshly to the side as this new Titan suddenly grew back one of its arms and dug its fingers into the eyes of the Rabid Titan, forcing it to open its mouth and drop me. My stomach felt like it was left behind as I started to fall but just as I registered the drop, I was captured by something warm and a little soft.

My eyes were closed by I could hear the sounds of Titan’s roaring at each other and this horrid gushing sound followed by wet snapping. I opened my eyes…and the Rabid Titan was headless, its massive cranium rolling away, leaving steaming splatters of blood behind it.

The world around me was fading in and out of perfect focus, the edges of my vision permanently blurry now. I could hear these muffled noises from afar and tried to find the source, when I saw it atop the roof of HQ…my friends, all standing together and screaming at me. I couldn’t understand them in the slightest but I knew for a fact that they were screaming something important from the horrified looks on their faces.

I could see the edge of something skin colored to my right so I turned my head to look and my already racing heart jumped into my throat. That’s a finger…a huge fucking finger, the palm of which was holding me up and I dared to look around me. I looked up and stared right into the eyes of this strange Titan that moments ago was missing both its arms!

It regenerated one arm to destroy the Rabid Titan then regenerated the other one to catch me before I fell to my death. I shivered…its eyes, its huge eyes were staring a hole through my tiny being. This ache began to swell within me and my eyes began to overflow with tears. The eyes of this beast, had a certain beauty to them…the color, I mean. Its eyes were this familiar, breathtaking shade of green and I let myself lay flat on my back, laughing like a mad woman.

The chaos that surrounded me started infecting me like a disease. All the damage, the carnage around me mixed with the delirious agony inside me, forming this black cloud that blanketed my body, wrapping me up tightly.

I looked up into the face of this monster again, it just stared down at me; seeming intrigued by the brokenhearted madness of a pathetic human being.

“Thanks for getting rid of that thing for me…it was starting to get on my nerves.” My smile changed from tired to numb. “Thanks for reminding me of the one beautiful person I found before I left this world, I’ll get to see him soon…my family too. I might even see that old man who used to hit on mother all the time.” I laughed bitterly and couldn’t help but notice how this thing hadn’t eaten me yet.

I looked at its face again and it seemed to be listening to me, its eyes never leaving me. I snorted with a laugh. “Pugh, you can’t understand a word I’m saying, do you?”

There was this short beat when it tilted its head at me and I was jarred enough to gasp, descending into a coughing fit as I inhaled my own spit. My mind began racing as to why it wasn’t killing me, or doing anything else. Did it quirk its head at me…because it heard me?

“Can…can you understand me?” I asked and got nothing back.

It felt like minutes passed and it just stared at me, breathing heavily in the palm of its giant hand. It started to lean down towards me and I closed my eyes, ready for what came next. I’d never get to know why Titan’s have been so particularly strange today, maybe my death will teach the others something useful. The screaming beside me began to grow louder, my friends panicked at my impending demise but I knew that I was done…just get it over with!

Through the blackness of my closed lids, I felt nothing sharp or painful, what I did feel was a warmth against my forehead. I opened my eyes and saw that this Titan had pressed its massive forehead ever so gently against my own.

My veins suddenly filled with this familiar vulnerability that I had only felt twice before, it made my head spin and my heart was in a chokehold. It pulled its forehead up away from me and raised its head a little to look at me. It’s eyes portrayed emotion, something that caused a warmth to spread through my chest.

Its eyes were soft, the lids almost heavy looking, it seemed to be drinking in my image. I noticed that the way it was leaning over me, its hair hung around me like a curtain; hiding this exchange from the world. Then, on this soft breeze in the air, I caught a whiff of hazelnut. I didn’t even have the time to process that mentally as its eyes closed and it fell away from me and we fell.

I remained in its hand and I closed my eyes, not even sure if the fall was going to be the thing that killed me. I felt when the back of this things hand hit the earth and I buzzed with pain as that impact rushed up into my body but I was too tired to react anymore.

I could hear rapid footsteps when a black veil crept over me and everything around me became cold. There was a hand offered out to me and I reached up with my good arm, reaching for it; silently pleading to be taken with it.

I wanted to go now…to see my family again, to see Eren-a zap through my brain stopped my thoughts and forced me to drop my arm back to my side. Tears began pouring down the sides of my face and into my (h/c) face as I sobbed in exhaustion but also this small semblance of joy.

Eren wouldn’t be there…so I couldn’t go…not yet. That dark hand clasped over my eyes and I sighed heavily, letting my breath leave me behind in a warm bed of dying flesh and steam.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this has taken so long, I think I've got a good schedule worked out for my Twitch channel since that is my main source of income at the moment. (gotta love Covid-19)  
> Besides that, if you want more common updates on my active projects, you can join my discord!  
> https://discord.gg/NfvnA6r  
> We're friendly and raunchy, but also laid back. You can also support me by checking out my Patreon, I offer commissions on there as well.  
> https://www.patreon.com/DeadOnArrivalGirl?fan_landing=true  
> Thanks for your continued support! The goal is to hit daily uploads of some kind (ambitious, I know...but if all goes well, that would be fricken exciting!)


	11. I Hate That I Love You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the wake of The Battle For Trost, the aftermath will be messy for sure...but that is not all that the Titans have left mangled in their wake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING – I Hate That I Love You will touch upon these topics in order to tell the story. In no way, shape or form are you meant to repeat or replicate the actions performed by the fictional characters within this work.  
> Reader discretion is advised. (Use common sense please)  
> Kidnapping, Torture, Medical Experimentation, Human Mutation, Sexual Assault, Sexual Abuse, Trauma, PTSD and Animal Abuse (for villainous purposes, not of our lead characters causing it. We don't stan animal abusers, period.)  
> Taking these warnings into account, enjoy :3

This bland, silty taste greeted me as I started waking up, as if I hadn’t had a drink of water in years. The feeling of fingers pressing against my pulse point made me turn my head away, out of reflex. This grinding little whine buzzing in my throat and then I started coughing; gasping for air whenever I managed.

“We got a live one!” a man’s voice yelled. I knew he was right beside me but it felt like he was shouting from down a long hallway. It was like there was cotton in my ears, watching his lips moving as he called out to someone but I could barely make out a word.

I felt this chill wash over my sweat drenched face as a breeze blew through, making me realize how hot my body was. My eyes felt like they’d been stuck together, heavy with the desire to continue sleeping.

Looking up, I could see that the sky was this light orange color, dark purple clouds slowly drifting away as the sun dipped below the wall surrounding what used to be the thriving city of Trost. I blinked a few times to sharpen the somewhat fuzzy image, but I could clearly see that night was rolling in and that the storm we’d been fighting through before had long since passed.

Looking around me I could see the ruble of destroyed houses and walls, piles of wood and glass scattered around. The man leaning over me appeared to be in a Scout Regiment cloak, sweaty and tired looking. He had a bandage wrapped around his head and brown hair, startlingly bright blue eyes and a sharp nose.

He was speaking quickly to me, but with the dulled sound of his voice and me being completely out of it, I couldn’t make out a single word. He smiled and almost seemed elated that he’d found me, judging from his smile and this frantic look in his eyes. I felt his fingers against my head, as if he were checking me for a wound. Is my head bleeding too?

While he did that, I rolled my head to the side and look around; recognizing the ruins that surrounded us. Trost, why am I still in the city?

A pressure over my stomach made me look down and I could see that the Soldier was pushing a blood-soaked rag into my belly. The memories were slowly flooding back in and I tried to focus on them, bring them back into the forefront of my mind, but it isn’t working. It felt like the harder I focused on them, the darker my thoughts became; filled with black ink that swallowed up all my memories.

“Hang in there, Cadet; help is on the way!” The words actually reached me this time, though they were still quiet.

Something hot and burning started to threaten the back of my throat, I tried to sit up. My stomach being pressed down by the Soldier kept that from happening though. I had to push him away from me so I could roll over and spat this long yellow trail out of my mouth.

The rancid stench hung in my nose and slathered my tongue, like I had a mouthful of rotten honey and then everything around me turned black and my forehead caught me falling to the side.

The next time I opened my eyes, I could feel this soft cushion under my head instead of the hard ground. I could still feel the ghost of that man’s fingers in my hair, so I reached up to scratch that spot; wanting that feeling to go away.

I tried to force my eyes open and ended up rehashing that sticky, sweaty feeling. That thick, rotten honey feeling in my mouth seems to have migrated up to my eyes now. Making my eyes open despite them clearly not wanting to, told me of the half squishy/half crunchy spots on the inner and outer corners of my eyes. My eyelids felt swollen and heavy. My vision was blurry at first, this dull orange light danced across the wall in front of me. After a few blinks the flaming torch appeared before me and I could see the room I was in was made of stone, one torch lit this small space.

I started to sit up, so I could look around more when the door swung open and hit the wall with a loud bang!

“Hey, you’re awake!! How are you feeling?!” someone’s voice asked me loudly, this yellow spot of color entering my vision. Ok, my hearing wasn’t damaged anymore…it was just dead quiet in here.

I lay back down and blink a few times, the blurry colors in my vision start holding their vision. Brown-red hair tied in a pony tail, glasses, yellow shirt with dry blood on it. I couldn’t help but wonder if it was mine or not. Their expression is extremely perky, despite the heavy smell of blood that clung to their clothes.

My arm felt like fire so I looked down and I sat up right away, the pain in my stomach meant nothing to the fear clutching my heart in that moment.

My entire right forearm was completely marred! The flesh had been peeled off of me, the remaining muscles had been shredded and I could see two spots where the bone had snapped like a twig and stabbed through to the outside.

My heart twisted with terror; I could barely feel anything in that arm above that fiery ache. If there was any sort of nerve damage, my dreams of being a Scout and carrying on my mother’s legacy…were over before they even began.

They seemed to pick up on my silent panic and hurried over to my side; patting my shoulder and softening their voice a little.

“Hey, hey, it’s not as bad as it looks! I mean, there’ll be a little nerve damage, but as far as sensation-” they’re cut off by a voice carrying in from out in the hall.

“HANGE!” while the anger in the voice was abnormal, the voice itself was familiar.

I tried to twist around and find him with my eyes, but my clenching torso made me wrench back onto the bed violently! This choked screech escaped me as I fell back on the cot.

“Le-vi!!” I croaked out when the pain in my chest was mixed with this twinge of embarrassment. I haven’t called out for him like that since I came into his care.

I felt his hand on my shoulder before I saw him at my side, squeezing it as his eyes quickly traced down my body. I only then became aware of how exposed I was. I had been stripped of what little I had left of my gear and the lower half of my uniform. They’d left me in my bloodstained button up shirt and underwear, my shirt was open, stomach packed with cloth and wrapped tight in bandages that dug into my sides.

I don’t know what it was about him, but his presence made it so much easier for me to give in to my desire to cry and let my fear show. I wanted to be strong and not show how scared or in pain I was, but there was no fighting the overwhelming mixture of pain, confusion, fear and joy with him there.

“What happened to her?” He asked.

“It’s a long story,” I meekly answered and he placed his hand on my head.

Levi’s expression was always deadpan, never changing much and always playing it close to the vest when it came to emotions. With me I could see this little sliver of his real feelings seep through, Petra said it was because even though he denies what she says, she does think he sees me like a daughter.

That idea made me both happy and sad, I cared for Levi too…but putting him in the place of a father figure in my life was something I just couldn’t do. My father passed away and that left this sort of hole in my life, in my family. Mother’s eyes never lit up the same, hair brushing became a time to cry for me because he’d always done it.

“You can give me the details later,” he says, pulling me from my thoughts and causing this seed of guilt to be unseen…but not forgotten.

His hand on my shoulder did make me feel better, more grounded and also gave me something to focus on when he turned his attention back to Hange with a glare.

“Why haven’t you started working on her yet?!” He ordered and Hange shrugged their shoulders and grinned.

“I was getting to it when she called for you, I’ll start now.” They look down at me. “Sorry we can’t be better acquainted first.”

Hange leaned over my disfigured limb and grabbed the back of my elbow and one of the protruding bones in my forearm. I tensed up and we realized that they meant _RIGHT NOW_!

“Hange wait-” he started, but they snapped my broken arm back into place with this loud crack!

I screamed so loud that I thought the walls would cave in on us, the pain shocking me like lightning. I _felt_ the joint drop back into the socket and the bone in her fingers push down into what used to be its home within my muscles and fat. I could taste iron on the back of my tongue as the scream ripped its way out of me. My heart was racing when all at once, it felt like the world came to a complete stop. The fire flickering stopped, the orange light it cast seemed to dim and everything that had once been clear started to smear and dissipate before my very eyes. I felt my head sinking into that black void, taking my whole body with it as their voices faded away as well.

“You didn’t give her anything for the pain, or a _warning_?!” Levi was angry.

“Nope,” Hange answered cheerily.

I could hear low voices speaking not too far from me, the waking world slowly coming back into focus around me. Opening my eyes wasn’t nearly as gross as before, but the pain had merely subsided to a dull buzzing in my body. I looked around me and could see that the pattern on the wall was different from before, as if the torches weren’t burning bright like before.

I raised my head a little and realized that I was moved into another room, this room I could see had cots laid out beside one another and they were all filled with wounded soldiers and civilians. I tried to find the source of the voices when I spotted a doorway and some shoulders peeking around the edges.

I pushed myself to sit up, making my stomach twist, but not nearly as bad as before. There were two soldiers outside the door, talking to each other about what happened in Trost. I couldn’t tell what branch they were from but they were pretty big in stature, probably Military Police. Most of them were just meatheads who were too scared to step outside. Despite the low snoring and soft groans that surrounded me, I could hear their low voices clearly.

Why were there guards here? If these people were all fallen from the attack on Trost, why did we need guards? I raised my legs and slowly laid them down on the floor, counting my lucky stars. The floors were also stone, no wood floors meant I wouldn’t have to worry about any sort of creaking.

I was still only wearing my bloody shirt and underwear, but I could see that my arm had been properly set and bandaged from elbow to mid-palm and was no longer as excruciating as before. I could even move my fingers which sent this little bit of hope soaring in my chest, I still had a chance. I knew I’d have to wait until I fully healed to be sure, but that bit of hope meant the world for me.

I tried to stand up and get closer so I could listen, but my chest felt tight so I sat there. While I spent a moment regaining what little strength I had recovered; I listened carefully to them.

“So, did you hear about that kid in Trost?” The guard to the left of the door said.

“Yeah, who hasn’t heard about it? Pixis pretty much announced it to the whole world.” The soldier to the right replied, sounding rather miffed about it.

_Kid? What is that supposed to mean? A prodigy maybe? A new soldier? Pixis…?_

“Honestly, I knew something wasn’t quite right about that Jaeger guy from the start, but hey, if he’s not a threat to us…who cares? Maybe with him on our side we’ll live a lazy life someday-” chuckled Lefty, receiving a swift swat up the side of his head from the dick to the right. “Ouch!”

_Jaeger? Eren?! Why are they talking about him? He’s dead…right?_

As if I’d been shot through the forehead, this ferocious blast of lightning shot through my forehead and went rampant through every nerve in my brain. My teeth clenched and it suddenly got harder to breathe as information rushed to me and I couldn’t stop it or slow it down.

Something about that Titan I’d been looking at, the way it looked at me, the way it held my broken body in its hand. It was looking down at me…so different from everything I’d ever seen in my life. The color in its eyes…the softness that I saw there. I steeled myself inside as the possibility was continuing to bloom in my brain, the very idea was enough to make me start shaking.

 _It’s not possible…there’s no way_.

“Oh, please tell me you’re joking. If he suddenly goes AWOL and gets hungry, you know who the first items on the menu will be?” sneers the right soldier.

“But Captain Levi said-”

“Forget what Captain Levi said!” He snapped, startling me a little at the ferocity in his voice. “Jaeger is a massive advantage, sure; but he’s still a _kid_. Kids have no control over their emotions or actions, they’re wild and unruly little bastards that think they know everything. He could snap at any moment, so don’t start preparing for retirement yet.”

“I was just saying…” Lefty whined.

The scorn in my veins was almost past the boiling point, they’re both such morons!! Talking about such a serious topic like it’s some sort of retirement plan! While that solidified my theory that they were Military Police, they kept going and despite my urge to throw something heavy, I waited.

“So, what’s going to happen to him now? He helped us take back Trost, but I’m hearing rumors about him being detained downstairs.” Left guard.

“Not sure yet, Levi and Erwin _do_ have him detained, but they’re talking to him first. They told us to keep an eye on the stairs, make sure no one disturbs the interrogation. Meanwhile, since we’re _clearly_ not busy, they want us to babysit the sick and dying.”

“Not so sick and **definitely** not dying!” I snapped, making the soldiers both whip around to look at me. I could hear a few others around me raise their heads to look at the shouting. I know I yelled in a room full of wounded, but a girl can only handle so much bullshit before she’s had enough.

The two men started into the room towards me, putting their hands up gingerly; as if they planned to just herd me back to bed. I didn’t move, trying to ignore the pain slowly gnawing at my stomach. That pinching sensation was pleading for me to listen to them and go back to bed.

From what I could feel as the flesh over my stomach pulled, the wound was stitched closed and bandaged nice and tight, the gauze holding that familiar tightness around my sides, rolling a little around the curves in my body.

“Hey there, you need to get back in bed Missy.” Right guard lowered his booming voice, as if he were shocked to see that their yapping had woken someone…and did he just call me **_Missy_**?

“Yeah, we’ll go get someone for you, but you gotta lay back down.” Left guard said when I noticed that their eyes were lower than my face and a little color was coming to their cheeks.

I used my uninjured hand to pull my white button up closed, covering my chest and stomach, but leaving my butt and legs exposed. This was humiliating; these two eying me up like a piece of meat at the market, as if I wasn’t also coated in blood and wrapped up like the dead. My skin crawled, my anger boiled and their biggest concern was getting me back into bed…enough of this.

“I need to speak to Levi, NOW!” I said louder and pushed past them, racing out the door and to the left.

I could hear their feet behind me as they gave chase and that’s when I saw the stairs leading down. I knew exactly where to go because now I knew exactly where I was.

We were under the courthouse and the dungeons were one stairway downward. The amount of injured that were in the room with me must mean that their usual place was overflowing with people and they occupied other empty spaces where it could be offered. Anywhere too far from the doctor’s clinic would be dangerous for the patients.

If those two fools were telling the truth and I wasn’t just hallucinating; _he’d_ be there.

**EREN**

I didn’t have a chance to answer Captain Levi when there was this loud commotion down the corridor, it sounded like at least four soldiers all running towards us. Both Captain Levi and Commander Erwin turned to see, not expecting an interruption at all; let alone such a loud one.

“Stop, the Captain is busy!” someone yelled.

“Fuck off!” a familiar voice sent a flare through my heart and I jumped forward off my bed to try and look through the bars. The chains tangled around a bed post, so I had to turn back and untangle it so I could get close to the bars. I heard her coming and I just _had_ to see her face and talk to her!

“Just let me through damn it, I’m not gonna hurt anyone!” she shouted and as soon as I turned around, there she was.

She stood there in front of my cell like a battle-scarred beauty and I was awash with joy and concern. She was heavily bandaged around her stomach, her white shirt stained with coppery dry blood, her thighs sticky with it and her right arm wrapped to the elbow. Her long (h/c) hair had been braided by someone else, as it was sloppily tied back and hung barely above her knees. Her face was coated with sweat and her (h/c) bangs stuck to her sweaty forehead. Her jaw was tight and she was breathing hard, despite her wounds and despite four guards standing between us; she’d run here…looking for _me_.

“(f/n)…” I could barely say her name as I fell to my knees, one hand reaching out and clutching the bars the separated us. She was still here…she was still _alive_ …just like she promised, she fought hard.

When I asked the Captain about her, he seemed reluctant to tell me anything. He told me that she was in bad shape, she’d landed on her weapon in a fall and was pretty badly beaten up. He left me with that, but Erwin told me what I already knew; that she was a fighter and was fighting hard to recover.

I know it was narcissistic of me to think she was fighting so hard for me, but it still warmed my heart a little to think she’s fighting for me like I fought for her. Her face had been in my mind this entire time, even when I’d changed, all I could think about was getting back to her.

The look of confused surprise on her face made my joy at seeing her falter, something was racing through her mind. Oh no…what had she been told?

Everyone was so torn about me and this new power, the rumors I heard were bad. If she was told those lies that I’d been hearing, what must she think of me?! All those fears and doubts disappeared as this exhausted smile spread on her lips.

“Eren…you’re here. You’re still alive!” she rushed over to the bars and grabbed my hand, sending sparks up my arm. She pressed her forehead against the space between the bars and I mirrored the action. I hadn’t even realized how much I’d missed touching her until now. The sweaty feeling of her skin on mine just made me feel so grounded, in control and happy.

“(f/n), what the hell are you doing down here?” Levi scolded and she whipped around scowling at him.

I quickly wiped her sweat from my forehead and she stood back up, keeping her hand on mine as I stood up with her.

“When were you planning on telling me that he was down here?” she snapped, still holding onto my hand.

I just stared in amazement; I knew she was brave to stand up to our general before…but she’s _yelling_ at Captain Levi!

“You never asked,” Erwin answered and she cast another glare at him.

“Really? You’re going to crack a joke _right now_?” she asked him, with the same sort of tone I used to hear from my mom.

Erwin shrugged as he considered a response, but she waved him off and turned her glare back to the guards that had chased her down here.

“Look, I don’t know what has happened so far, but I’ve heard a little of it from my _babysitters_.” She scorned the last word and gestured with her free hand at them.

She softened her tone and looked over to Levi, seeming to calm down a little before speaking again. “I want to know what happened since our battle for Trost? What became of us? The city and the other cadets? How many made it back?” she asked him and while her voice betrayed her pain, her stance and the look in her eyes did not. Her (e/c) eyes were big and questioning, fearing the worst but hoping for the best; she was scared.

Captain Levi placed a hand in his hair and sighed, thinking over her question carefully. He looked down at her, the Captain was shorter than me, but still taller than (f/n) by a bit. “I’ll explain it to you later, while you’re _resting._ ” He placed his hands on her shoulders.

“(f/n),” I said and she turned out of his grasp to face me and presses her bandaged hand against the back of my fingers.

“Eren,” her voice is low and her eyes are soft on me, she’s happy to see me…but there’s something else behind them; nervousness. “They’ve been talking about…these strange things. I…I don’t understand it.” She muttered, looking down and confused.

I rubbed my fingers over the back of her hand and she raised her head up to look at me. If I’m honest with her, she’ll understand; she’s got to.

“I’m not sure how to explain it either, it’s a lot for me to take in too but…I seem to be able to transform into a Titan. I’m still human, but that’s how we did it. I blocked up the wall and took back Trost for our people, we made history!” I said, letting some of my excitement show through.

“What?” she asks, seeming so lost. “You can…turn into a Titan?” she looked away and I braced harder as I held onto her hand.

“I don’t understand it very much myself; I didn’t even know I could do this. It happened like an instinct, it happened when I had no options left…it just happened.”

I could see that Erwin and Levi were listening intently, since I hadn’t had very much to say before this. It was just so much easier to talk to her about what was going on in my head, like we could work through it together; she could help me understand it.

She stepped back, letting go of my hand and clutched her head, making Captain Levi step forward and keep his arms around her, but not touching her.

“The Titan…that I saw in Trost…the one that picked me up…and held me…touched my forehead…that was you, wasn’t it?” she asked, seeming to fight through something I couldn’t see. She stumbles a little and Captain Levi puts his arms around her to steady her. He starts trying to convince her to go back to bed, but they start arguing softly about it.

He’s being so patient, despite her resistance, it was almost like he was being protective over her. Could they be…were they…there’s no way! Captain Levi being involved with a cadet half his age?! Something like that would be all over the place in an instant!

“Eren,” she says and I look up to see her step away from him and closer to me, this turmoil in her eyes. “Are you dangerous? Can you control it? Did you hurt anyone? Can I…” she hesitates and looks at me hard, with that turmoil turning into full blown sadness in her eyes. “Can I still trust you? Have you just been _pretending_ to be human this whole time? Did you mean _any_ of the things you said to me?” she hesitated, but steeled herself before stepping closer, away from Levi further and lowering her voice. “When you kissed me before we went into Trost, was that supposed to be some sort of trick? A security blanket that would vouch for your humanity if you got found out?” she asked, looking as if her heart was breaking right in front of me!

I started shaking my head half way through her questions, I could see the spiral this was going down and I had to stop it quickly!

“Of course, you can still trust me! I’ve always been human and I have meant every word I’ve ever said to you! We’ve never even heard of Titan’s taking human form?!” I asked, not wanting her to fear me…but the doubt had been planted and was blooming.

“Yes, but what if you’re just the first one who’s ever been caught?! I don’t just believe everything that I’m told!” There’s this moment of hesitation before she hardens her eyes on me. “Did you eat anyone? When you changed, was there some sort of craving?!” she badgered, looking scared and angry all at once; her clenched fist shaking.

My temper started flaring up, I don’t understand why out of all the people around me, she being the only one I wanted more than anything to keep in my life. Why wouldn’t _she_ believe me?

“Answer me damn it, how many of our friends did you kill?!!” she shouted at me and I snapped.

I reached through the bars and grabbed at the front of her shirt, pulling her against the metal. Her collar bone colliding with it made this low clang that buzzed against my arm. She was so small that I was able to lift her almost a foot off the ground with me standing at full height.

She grabbed at my wrist as I held her up and glared down at me, unafraid and enraged herself. Levi rushed forward and grabbed my wrist as well, forcing me to crouch and let her feet touch the ground. Her eyes were filled with rage and she reached past my hands, grabbing my shirt with her uninjured hand as well, pulling me forward. We were practically nose to nose with only the bars, Captain Levi, confusion and betrayal between us now.

“Release her now!!” he ordered.

“I didn’t hurt **anyone** and the only things I did hurt were those **things** out there! They’re the ones you can’t trust, not me! You’d sooner believe some bullshit rumor than me?!” I yelled, part of me still wanting her approval, her trust, her love…I need her in my corner for this! It’s already going to be a struggle adjusting to this on my own, I can’t have her looking at me like I saw her look at the Titans on the wall before Trost fell.

“I want an answer from you, damn it! Is that all I was to you?!” she shouted, tugging me forward and bumping my forehead against the bars.

“Of course not!! You mean more to me than anyone else, I have never lied about anything that I’ve been passionate for in my life. Like hell I’m going to start when it concerns the most important person I know!” I shouted.

“Damn it Eren, let her go!” Levi ordered again, trying to wrench my grip off of her.

Erwin came over and grabbed my wrist as well, shouting over his shoulder. “We need some help back here!”

This wasn’t happening, this couldn’t be happening! This had nothing to do with them anyways, especially Captain Levi! Whatever it was that he had with (f/n) was less than nothing, this was our business, not theirs!

“Tell me, why I should believe you. Because I’ve seen how horrible those things are, the hell that they wreak upon everything and everyone they encounter, living or dead! How am I supposed to trust someone who can become one of the things that killed my mother!!” she screamed when two soldiers rushed over and grabbed my wrists, trying to pull my fist away from her.

“They killed my mother too! I watched her die; I haven’t stopped thinking about it since that day! Do you think I asked for this?! I turn into the thing I hate!! I never chose this; I didn’t hurt anyone from our side!!”

“It’s true, (f/n). None of our people were hurt by his actions, many of them were saved.” Erwin added and there was a war being raged behind her overflowing eyes.

“You see!!? Why won’t you just believe me and stop being so damn stubborn?!” I yelled and she tugged harder on my shirt.

“I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE!! How am I supposed to trust anything in a world where everyone and everything could become the very thing that ruined your fucking life!!?” she shrieked when the soldiers finally pried my fingers off and I lost my grip.

She tottered backwards and fell back against the wall, Levi and Erwin glaring at me and the Soldiers waiting for their next orders against me. I looked back at her and could clearly see what had happened to her in my absence. Her shirt fell open and I could see the fresh blood seeping through the bandage on her stomach, just under her bust. She looked up at me, her eyes full of pain and uncertainty. This wasn’t right…I’d opened up her wound by being so fucking brainless…again. She was so high on adrenaline from her run and the slew of information she received so quickly, she probably couldn’t even feel it.

“Eren…you are telling me that you’re a human that can turn into a Titan. How can I trust that? I fear and hate them for so many reasons…now I’m finding that the one I love…can become one.” She stops, struggling to form words. “I loved you…before all of this, I _loved_ you. Knowing what you are now…makes me **_hate_** you.”

The pain in my chest was like watching my world crumble apart again, I finally had someone…someone who made me feel like I was untouchable and strong. Someone who painted the world in water colors whenever she was around…someone I wanted to spend my life with, for sure; now turned against me. How can the world be this unjustly cruel?

“But I _still_ love you,” she says and everything just stopped…at least it felt like it did. All eyes were on her, wide eyed and captivated. No one dared interrupt her or move, she had tears trickling off her chin and down her neck. The war in her eyes still raged but she’d grown numb to it already, the pain on her face and in her voice still felt like an arrow in my chest.

“Even though I know what you are…I can’t help it, I still love you…which just makes me hate you even more.” Her voice was low, almost a whisper.

She started speaking again, but it just sounded like gibberish when her eyes rolled back in her head and she collapsed, Levi catching her before she hit the floor.

Erwin relieved the guards and lectured them about diligence while guiding them all back to their posts. I just knelt there by the bars of my cell, watching as Levi coddled (f/n) in his arms and gently stroke her hair.

Her labored breathing slowed as he held her to his chest. This look of calm came over her face and he carefully wiped the moisture from her cheeks as she breathed softly and the tiniest snores began. It was such a simple action, but the way he was holding her body and how she was visibly calm in his arms, made me green with envy. I didn’t want anyone else to hold her like that. I’d had her in my arms, pressed against me and her legs wrapped around me, her eyes pleading for more from me, mere hours ago…we hadn’t wanted to part and swore to find each other after…now look at us.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it's 4hrs late, the final scrubbing ended up taking longer than I expected. A short break turned into a long one and before I knew it, it was 10pm and I was still on page 2.  
> I stayed up though and completed tonights upload so I hope you'll forgive my being late and enjoy this next installment of I Hate That I Love You


	12. Ballad of a Butterfly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You awaken to find yourself in open court and under the scrutiny of the Military Police, aiming to take Eren away for dissection and torture, believing him to be a threat to humanity. You couldn't agree more, heartbroken and trust shattered, part of you wants them to have him...but part of you knows The Scouts need him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING – I Hate That I Love You will touch upon these topics in order to tell the story. In no way, shape or form are you meant to repeat or replicate the actions performed by the fictional characters within this work.  
> Reader discretion is advised. (Use common sense please)  
> Kidnapping, Torture, Medical Experimentation, Human Mutation, Sexual Assault, Sexual Abuse, Trauma, PTSD and Animal Abuse (for villainous purposes, not of our lead characters causing it. We don't stan animal abusers, period.)  
> Taking these warnings into account, enjoy :3

I felt like I was floating around in a lake of ice, my whole body felt cold and lifeless. Was I dead? Is this what it felt like to be dead? I might as well be, my chest felt hollow now that I knew the truth.

Eren was a _Titan_.

Well, he can turn into a Titan and I kissed him, clung to him…I love him. The same creatures that killed my mother and ruined what little of my family I had left, have somehow have found a new way to break me down. I never thought they’d be able to do this from inside my own brain.

It felt like everything I’d grown to know, was just…false. I’d seen Eren as a worthy adversary, enough that I even kept my mouth shut when I could plainly see the error in his gear. All those uncertainties about how I felt came back to haunt me, the fiery rush in my veins and all. I should have listened to that voice in my head, focused on my studies and training…not letting Eren take over my thoughts.

In the same regard, I’d allowed myself to fall in love with him to the point that I can’t convince myself to just HATE him completely. The fact that I couldn’t make myself hate him just made me hate him more…despite that making absolutely no sense!

My frustration continued to grow when I began to hear this soft humming…then I realized that I was the one humming. The melody I was humming sounded familiar, where had I heard this before? In the spaces between the singing, where my voice just echoed; I could hear this little high pitch whistle. It was a quiet sound, but it was definitely there.

My memory of where I’d heard it was still foggy, but prominent enough that the words formed on my tongue and my lips began to move.

_Oh how the little butterfly floated on the wind_

_Though man tried to box her up, she always came unpinned_

_One day this little butterfly ventured far from home_

_Without a warning or a sign, how could she have known_

_A monster caught her in its web and pinned her wings away_

_As his laughter filled the air the butterfly did say_

_'Oh sir, please release me from this hold,_

_if you do a story you shall be told.'_

_The monster agreed, and released her little wing_

_Now that she was freed, the butterfly did sing._

_'A land filled with tall creatures hungry for man,_

_was left sheltered behind walls built of hardened sand_

_with nowhere left to go, they falsely rest assured._

_The danger that awaited them would soon be unobscured._

I could feel that I was singing in my head, but I couldn’t seem to make the words come out. I felt frustration

Just as those last words left me, I awoke but didn’t open my eyes yet. I could feel that I wasn’t in a bed or on a cot, I was on a cold stone floor somewhere and I was surrounded by hushed murmurs. Where was I?

I wanted to move and stretch the tightness from my muscles, but I waited as someone started shouting.

“This is ridiculously out of line! She should be with the other injured, not being paraded around this courtroom to feed your hapless agenda!” Erwin argued.

“Captain Levi beat a Cadet like a wet blanket, even if he is a Titan.” A different man retorted. “The unknown and potentially deadly biological effects of Cadet Jaegers condition are crucial to the safety of everyone here! While unorthodox, it is necessary overall.” The stranger continued when a booming voice from above startled a twitch out of me; I hope no one noticed.

“I’ll allow it, but only if you can provide probable cause.” That booming voice was the judge!

I didn’t have to open my eyes to understand where I was or what was happening; I was in the courthouse and in _active court_!! From what I heard, Levi was to my right and the strange man was on my left. I vaguely remember the layout of the court so I knew that there were civilian present on either side to witness the trial.

“We have witnesses reporting, that Cadet (f/n) (l/n) was in a romantic relationship with Cadet Eren Jaeger. This is why we find it vital to know if they have consummated this relationship, as we fear that Cadet Jaeger had intentions to impregnate Cadet (l/n) to continue his species…whatever it may be.” The man says with a sort of snarl in his voice every time he talks about Eren.

I fought down the urge to call him every name in the book. How do these lunatics come up with this crap? More importantly, I’m curious as to how our relationship was discovered and who these supposed witnesses were.

I felt some hair tickle one of my lashes and I fluttered my lash to move it. I realized that my bangs covered my eyes and no one could see that I’d opened them. I blinked a few times, to clear my slightly blurry vision and I found myself peering through the tiny spaces between locks of (h/c) hair.

It was then that I spotted Eren…bound to a post in the center of the room by his wrists and looking like he’d gotten the literal shit kicked out of him. He was bruised and bloody and I could see this tiny splattering of blood on Levi’s boot.

Oh, that’s what that guy meant. Looking over to the left of the court room I could see that the guy in question was still flapping his lips and spouting more bullshit, clad in a Military Police uniform. Despite my extreme disdain for that man and my newly seeded hatred for Eren…I looked back to him and could see the same annoyed expression on his face.

At least we were on the same page there.

“While we do not have scientific evidence to support this possibility as of yet, a dissection would surely be able to prove that for us. Cadet Jaeger is a danger to society in more ways than one. It would be dangerous and irresponsible to allow him freedom among the Scout Regiment, let alone around our women and girls.” The Military officer concluded when a man from the civilians started screeching in an uproar of horror. It was one of those cultist nutjobs who believed that the walls were three great deities.

“HE PLANS TO PLANT HIS DEMON SEED INTO THE WOMBS OF OUR PRECIOUS YOUTH!! HE MUST BE DESTROYED!!!” his voice cracked as it bounced off the walls and I heard a few of the other court members stifle their laughter.

A few people sitting near him, calmed him down and the Military officer looks up at the judge, this smug look on his face.

“At any rate, we feel that Cadet (l/n) could even pose a risk if she sides with the boy. If their child were to shift at birth, it would be an absolute catastrophe!”

Interesting…from what I’m gathering, it sounds like they don’t know how I reacted last night-if that was even last night. I want absolutely nothing to do with him anymore, I would probably side with the Military dunce if he wasn’t spouting such blatant bullshit.

I’m assuming they’re expecting me to come to his defense and plead his innocence to prove his point. Knowing well that Levi wouldn’t have put on such a display of beating the ever living out of Eren if there wasn’t a viable reason to keep him around. I had to do something to sway the odds in the Scouts favor…but how would I do that?

I knew I needed to plan something with Levi, but how am I supposed to have that with him in a room full of people? I thought frantically when it hit me, literally…strangely enough. The Military officer was growing impatient with how long I was sleeping for and he started tapping my head with his foot.

I acted quickly, feeling my heart racing and my body suddenly alight with fire! I grabbed him by the ankle and rolled, throwing him over me and causing the people around us to gasp. I jumped up and snatched at the pencil he’d dropped, pointing it out ahead of me and frantically looking around the room like a wild animal.

I found Eren and ran towards him, letting out this visceral battle cry when Levi and Erwin grabbed me around my shoulders and held me back.

“You son of a bitch!!” I screamed, throwing the pencil at him; the stick bouncing off his shoulder weakly as I started fighting against the two taller men. “You fucking monster!! When were you going to tell me the truth!!? How could I have been so stupid?!!”

Eren tried to get up but was held back by his restraints and just yelled back.

“I didn’t know!! I swear I had no idea!!” his voice sounded like he was holding something back, but I just allowed the adrenaline to rage through me and I began to shake. I even felt heat piquing in my eyes as tears threatened to fall when Levi pulled me along with him and lead me to a corner of the room, away from everyone as Erwin began arguing with the Military officer for his methods.

“Easy, are you alright?” he asked me and I nodded.

I raised my hands over my mouth and nose as if I was trying not to cry, hiding them from everyone but him and I smiled. He let out a sigh of relief as Erwin’s voice began to grow louder.

“I didn’t expect them to just drag you out here, because of these ridiculous claims he’s making…our plan isn’t working.” He admits, looking a little bemused by it and I nod.

“I understand, did I make things worse by-” I asked and he shook his head.

“Actually, you gave me an idea.” He pulls me close, as if to portray comfort but it was so he could speak more freely without people scrutinizing so hard. “Keep up that attitude, tell the truth about your relationship, stress that you didn’t know what he was and how betrayed you feel.”

“Yes sir,” I say, steeling myself and pulling out of the hug; allowing him to usher me back over to Erwin and the Military jackass.

All is quiet and I toss an angry glare at Eren who looks desperate, scared and still bleeding from his nose.

“She’s up to speed, ask away.” I couldn’t help but mentally add _asshole_ to the end of Levi’s sentence. The man smirked at me, as if Levi was playing right into his hands.

“Cadet (f/n), did you and Eren have a romantic relationship from the time you were still in boot camp to the present?” he asked, not even trying to hide how arrogant he was.

“Unfortunately,” I growled, not looking at Eren.

The man’s voice hitched a little as he asked his next question. “Uh…um. Ahem, could you please describe the details of your relationship?”

My emotions began to rage war inside me; forcing me to look at Eren with sadness in my heart.

Our relationship had been a spit fire; fast and messy and dangerous. Whenever he’d touched me it was like the world around us stopped existing, like I wasn’t a person…just this ball of shimmering light. The sensation of his hands on my face and his lips on mine, sent sparks dancing up my fingers just to think about.

Things were clearly different now, him being what he is…this being irrefutable fact just spurned my hatred for Titans on. The fact that the man I’d come to love, was one of the things I hated just didn’t seem real. I should be able to make this an easy decision, but my stupid heart refused to let go of that spark he’d created within me. I couldn’t let it go, snuff it out, no matter how hard I tried…my desire to love him and be loved by him was at constant battle with my undying hatred of Titans!

“We’ve kissed…but nothing more, thank goodness.” I muttered bitterly.

My mind was overcome with images and memories, that dark passion and need that I felt whenever he put his hands on me.

“You’ve never…” he started, seeming displeased with the answer I just gave. “You’ve never had intercourse with Cadet Jaeger?”

“Thank GOD no!” I yelled, feigning embarrassment and I stepped back. “What is wrong with you?”

My disgust was as real as it gets even if I was playing it up a little bit.

“Do you know if Cadet Jaeger had relations with other female-” I didn’t let him finish as I started towards Eren and Levi grabbed me around my hips.

“YOU FUCKING SLEPT WITH SOMEONE?!!” I screamed and swiped at the air but the Judge’s voice brought everything to a halt.

“Alright, that’s enough. If I wanted to parade a young woman’s heartache through court, I might as well have stayed home. Captain Levi, please remove Miss (l/n) from the court.” He says and Levi starts guiding me out and I whisper to him once we’re at the doors.

“Did we do it or did I ruin it?” I asked.

“I have no idea…”

After Levi dropped me off with Hange, so they could check my wounds, they also made sure to reprimand me for being so callous while I’m injured. I don’t know how many times I apologized to them but I wasn’t exactly worried about my injuries; I was biting my tongue with how anxious I was waiting for Levi to return. Had my little performance cost us the case and Eren or did we have another chance?

I knew that despite my hatred for what he was, Eren being able to transform into a Titan would turn the tides of this life long war we fought. The history of humanity would forever be changed…unless this was a trap of some kind, that could be possible, but I couldn’t even begin to fathom what the next move would be. Titans aren’t known to process complex thoughts or emotions…so it makes no sense in that regard.

Hange had finished up with me and lead me into a room where Levi would meet me when he was done.

The room was walled in green, a more vibrant shade than the cloaks the Scouts wore and there were these intricate little designs all over. This room housed only one desk beside a window, two book shelves and a sad maroon couch. I leaned against the desk, thoughts of Eren continuing to plague my mind like the disease his image had become to me.

Eren being a Titan disguised in a human body didn’t make a lot of sense to me. His actions in Trost could be a ploy to win our trust but at the same time…a Titan disguising itself to join humans was just foolish. Things were always going in their direction ever since the appearance of the Colossal Titan and the Armored Titan. It made no sense to shrink down to our size just to mess with us.

According to what Hange had told me before, he hadn’t even gone after any of our people…he’d focused solely on the other Titans. They’d also told me that he was the sole reason we were able to reclaim the wall in Trost to begin with.

But he had no control at the start of it, which is a HUGE fucking issue! (no pun intended, fix this)

To add, he’d cooperated with everything that he’s been ordered to do ever since and he lived among humans his entire life. What little people that survived the attack on Shiganshina that knew his father can vouch for that. Him getting ‘planted’ here would have been completely impossible and also…just foolish, once again.

If Eren’s claims were true and things haven’t been lost in translation through Hange reexplaining everything that’s happened; the answers would be in Eren’s basement in his old home.

I dropped my face into my hands, frustrated at the lack of sure answers. There was no definitive way for me to know that Eren wasn’t lying before and that how he said he felt about me wasn’t just an act. I wanted to trust him, my heart was begging me to believe every word he spoke and allow myself to fall back into his arms like before.

My head, however, knew that would be foolish to do! He’s a TITAN and to allow myself to return to that dangerous position in his inner circle was the exact opposite of self-preservation. If he snaps and turns, I’m as good as dead unless I kill him first.

My heart suddenly twisted with pain as I remember that position I’d been in, holding my dagger over him during sparring practice. A chill shot up my spine and I felt that same frustration boil over.

“God fucking damn it!” I yelled as I turned and kicked a small dent into the wooden desk.

A short silence followed when the door opened and I spun around quickly, seeing Hange poking their head into the room. “Feeling better?” they asked and I deflated with a sigh.

“No…” I said, leaning against the desk again, mindlessly hiding the dent in the desk with my leg. “Hange, you said you wanted to do some experiments with Eren, right?” I asked and they got this sort of gleam to their glasses and a little color warmed their cheeks.

“That’s the plan, cutie! Why do you ask?” they gushed and I took a deep breath. I saw how they reacted to anyone with even one question…so I knew what I was about to do.

“I think that when you do start those experiments, I’d like to help you. I have some delicate information that I’d like to share and I hope it can help with your research.”

“What _kind_ of delicate information?” they asked, breathing heavy and taking both my hands in theirs.

“My mother and I lived among Titans for two years, we’ve learned a little bit about them over time and I’d like to learn what you know. I want to know everything you know about Titans so that maybe, we can make a breakthrough together.” I say and I was scared that they were about to have a heart attack.

Hange started shaking and a little drool seeped out of the corner of their mouth. I was about to make a break for the door when Levi came in just then, his arrival put out that fire immediately. Or at least, set it aside for now; either way I was grateful. He entered the room with other Scouts…and Eren bringing up the rear.

I looked away from him sharply, very aware of how awkward this room was now. I didn’t want to talk to him or even look at him ever again. I guess you could say I was still angry.

I was surprised however, because Levi came over to me and gestured at the door. He wanted everyone in this room while he took me to another room.

Down the hall a few rooms, it was almost an exact replica of the room we’d just been in but there were two windows here, no couch and a larger desk.

Once he shut the door I waited in the middle of the room as he walked over to one of the windows and opened it up, letting in some air from outside.

“Levi, do you think bad of me?” I asked and he seemed to hesitate before opening the second window.

The sky had begun to turn orange, the clouds becoming a mix of blue and golden yellow, the evening slowly encroaching on us. The sun outlined the far wall, making it black; having already fallen beneath our man made horizon.

“Excuse me?” he said, seeming unsure of what I was asking.

“Do you think bad of me, now that you know what Eren and I were before?” I said clearly.

I valued Levi’s opinion greatly, if he thought poorly of me for any reason, I’d done wrong by him. He was one of my heroes and I wasn’t going to waste the second chance they’d given me…if I were to fail him…

“While I sympathize with your…situation, your taste in men is reprehensible.” He said evenly and I fought the tiniest of snorts. At least he wasn’t disappointed in me.

Despite that thought, there was still this defiant part of my heart that longed for Eren, for the blissful ignorance of before I knew what he was. I wanted to think about this without bias but the disagreement inside me was making that impossible.

“I want to ask, do you feel that 100% things are through with you two?” he asked me, looking right into my face and I had to drop my eyes.

“Obviously we’re both in the Scouts…we’ll be seeing each other. I’ll just need to get over my personal problems and try to be his ally. I have to be an adult about this.” I say, biting back adding on how much easier it would be to sever ties with him all together.

“Do you actually think that’s sustainable? Can you commit to that and continue to do it?” he asked and I felt my confidence fizzle.

“No, no I do not.” I growled and he quirked an eyebrow at me. He hated when I did that.

“You’re not a dog, (f/n).”

“I know but it’s so damn frustrating, my brain can’t just make this simple for me!” I started pacing back and forth and I was talking so fast, I’m surprised I didn’t bite my tongue.

“Make what simple?” he asked, seating himself on the desk and just watching me go like a little wind up toy.

“I still love Eren,” I said and Levi spit out his tea. “Sorry, but I can’t keep trying to work this out in my head like I have because it makes me want to strangle something! My head knows what he is, I know he’s dangerous, unpredictable and for all we know he could be some sort of spy, but that doesn’t make sense. Why would beings that are already pushing us to the edge of extinction, who have never been recorded as being capable of making plans or other thoughts beyond _EAT_ _PEOPLE_ , suddenly send in a sort of…sleeper…cell…intruder?! How would that even be possible?!!!!”

I spun on my heel and continued pacing, Levi having set his tea aside now and just watched me.

“Not only is that idea completely foolish, the fact that Eren and I were so close…and how stupid I was to let myself do this.” I stepped up close to the wall and bumped my forehead into it as I tried to think. “I have worked so hard, trained so hard and fought so damn hard and the moment a hurdle comes my way…it’s falling in love and now I can’t shake it.” I growled again, my forehead warming the wall where I’d pressed it.

I was surprised when Levi spun me around by my shoulders and pulled me into another hug, allowing me to rest my cheek on his shoulder and taking a deep breath. I felt his nose in my hair and he sniffed, making me snicker.

“Can’t help yourself, huh?” I tease and he chuckles.

“Your hair is a marvel; I don’t know a person alive who doesn’t enjoy the scent of fresh flowers.” He says, stepping back and patting my shoulders.

“Yeah, I don’t even remember when that started…it’s just always been that way. My dad used to love brushing my hair for me.” I say, this painful sorrow in my mind.

“You’ve mentioned that, I guess I could understand…but it seems like more of a hassle.” He says and I glare at him, trying to hide my smile but he pats my head, forcing it out of me.

I smile wide, the unease blindsiding when I realize what it was caused by. I was suddenly blasted with images of Trost in ruin and the Rabid Titan I’d encountered.

“Levi!” I gasped when a bloodcurdling scream from outside had us both race over to the window. We looked out into the town and could see, hanging on the nearest wall to us, there were two Garrison officers hanging there, their entrails hanging out, their eyes cut out and their mouths slit into permanent grins.

“What the hell?!” Levi exclaimed when he pointed further down South. The gate was wide open and Titans were sauntering into the city!!

Words left my mouth before realizing and in that moment, watching Titan’s swarm their way into the city…I remembered another line from that butterfly poem.

“ _A land filled with tall creatures hungry for man_

_Was revealed as a time of bloody skies began.”_

Levi stared at me for a moment when I looked back to him, the somber tone in my voice making goosebumps rise on my own skin.

“The Titans are not our only enemies, Levi.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy mackeral I'm behind, sorry about the late upload.  
> Here's the next one, hoping to have another up in a couple days.


	13. Not The Only Enemy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A surprise attack has left two Garrison soldiers dead and the gate wide open; allowing Titans to pour into the city! Enacting their emergency maneuver to avoid as many casualties as possible, Scouts and Garrison soldiers will be racing against the clock to close the gate, evacuate the city and eradicate the Titans that have come in!  
> Who is responsible for this and why would they do it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING – I Hate That I Love You will touch upon these topics in order to tell the story. In no way, shape or form are you meant to repeat or replicate the actions performed by the fictional characters within this work.  
> Reader discretion is advised. (Use common sense please)  
> Kidnapping, Torture, Medical Experimentation, Human Mutation, Sexual Assault, Sexual Abuse, Trauma, PTSD and Animal Abuse (for villainous purposes, not of our lead characters causing it. We don't stan animal abusers, period.)  
> Taking these warnings into account, enjoy :3

Levi raced out the door ahead of me and I followed right behind him, biting back the urge I had in the pit of my stomach to vomit. Hurried out the door, we found ourselves passing Eren, running the same way we were headed. He fell into step beside me, behind Levi as we ran and I refused to even glance at him, despite me seeing him looking at me through the corner of my eye.

“What’s happening?” he asked.

“There seems to be an internal attack on the gate, it’s been opened and the Titans are getting in!” Levi explains quickly.

“Eren, I hope you’re prepared because this means that we’re using our emergency defense maneuver.” I say and I can tell he’s looked at me again but I’m still focused on Levi’s back and the hall ahead of me. “We’ve got no time to stop and strategize, so the plan is to get out there and take down as many Titans as we can so that the people can evacuate!”

“So, what’s the plan?” he asks me, turning his attention forward and leaving it there; much to my relief.

“The Elites, such as Levi and his team will be at the front lines. They’ll make up the First Wave; cutting down as many as they can, as quickly as they can to push the numbers back. The Second Wave will be to evacuate anyone in the danger zone and direct them back to the Third Wave; that’s where you and I will be. We’ll be guiding the survivors found by the Second Wave towards the inner wall to safety and provide first aid should anyone need it.” I said evenly, feeling my limbs growing hot as we got to the door that lead outside.

“There’s going to be a small change of plans,” Levi says and stops at the door, glancing back at me. “You still seem to have full mobility in your fingers, can you tell me definitely that you’ll be able to use your gear?”

“Yes sir,” I say and he nods, turning and resuming the run.

“Alright, you’ll be on the front lines with me, Eren will be in the Third Wave. Someone seems to trust you enough to be on your own,” he says and his deadpan delivery makes me whip my head to look at Eren, who was looking at me at that very moment.

We ran in relative silence, the sounds of people evacuating in a panic outside the courtyard echoing up into the air. It was like a swarm of bees outside, buzzing madly as a bear attacked their hive…only not everyone could defend the hive; there were a small few that could and death was nearly a promise.

Once we got into the storehouse, I paused by a window that looked out into the streets; I could see the clumps of people just running in these panicked groups. I could see this man, who had been near the front of this rather small group, stumble on the cobblestones and get trampled. I jerked forward but froze, without my gear, me trying to get to him would take at least a few minutes.

The group passed over him without stopping and left him behind, just lying there on the ground. After a beat passed of him not moving, he frantically got up and after a moment of stumbling; picked up the pace and hurried to catch up.

My heart twisted as I turned my face away; I had to put that man out of my mind and focus on getting my gear together. Bleeding my heart to everyone in the world…would only get me killed…but I couldn’t help but remember the sky-blue color of the shirt he wore.

As I hurried to get my gear hooked up to my hips, I felt my patches tugging at the skin on my back and belly. I knew it would hold, I just needed to not crash into anything and I’d be fine.

Levi was ready to go before I was and he started dividing everyone up into the three waves. Eren was beside me and I made it clear that I didn’t want to look at him, keeping my head turned away from him, but my eyes on my hands.

“Hey,” I hear him whisper and by reflex, I look over. He’s got his hands on the belt around his left thigh and I quickly looked away from him.

“What?” I said sternly, keeping my eyes on my hands as I adjusted the belts around my right calf, feeling they were a little too loose for my liking.

“Can we talk?” He asked me, continuing with his own work by the sound of the straps tightening.

“Does it have to be _now_?” I asked, knowing that my tone was bugging him.

“Are you seriously thinking that I-” he started, but I whipped my head around to face him so quick that my braid swatted his leg.

“It doesn’t really matter what I’m thinking right now, we’ve got a job to do.” I replied curtly when I tried to turn away from him and my braid got hung up on one of the clasps on his leg and I had to stop. “For fucks sake!” I cursed.

“I got it,” he starts, carefully untangling my hair out of the clasp as I reluctantly waited. “I’m not exactly sure why you’re so angry with me, I didn’t lie to you or anyone else about this ability.” He says and I just keep glaring at him.

“I’m not angry because I think you lied to me, I’m angry because of what you turned out to be!” I slapped his hands away from my hair.

I grabbed the part of my hair that was nearest to the tangled bit and with my other hand, ripped that small lock apart, leaving several (h/c) strands in his gear. I stood up straight and glared into his wide, surprised eyes.

“You speaking to me now and not eating me, holds absolutely no merit regarding our relationship. I don’t know if I can believe anything that you said to me, let alone if you’re even capable of feeling anything for another person.” I snapped, a little louder than I meant to.

I could feel the eyes of a few others fall to us, Eren was solely focused on me and I could only see him. My vision tinted red; I was angrier than I thought I should be. My emotions were in such a whirlwind, I couldn’t bring myself to calm down at all.

“So, that’s it? You’re just not going to hear me out?” He asked, looking more irritated than hurt now.

“If I find a reason to want to listen to you, then yes. Until that time comes however, as far as you and I are concerned, our relationship is over.” Consciously holding the middle of my braid to my hip, I turned away from him and started towards the door.

I could hear someone behind me so I turned to see who it was and Eren was following me outside.

“Hang on,” he says and I just keep walking towards where the First Wave is supposed to gather.

“Are you hard of hearing or are you just deliberately ignoring the last part of that sentence?” I snapped when he ran over and pulled me by my arm to a stop.

He immediately let go once I’d stopped and looked at him, staring hard daggers into his forehead. I hated how I still noticed how handsome I thought he was, I hated how an unhealthy part of me was trying to make me go to him.

“Can you just answer something for me really quick?” he asked and I crossed my arms, stuck out my hip and waited. “Are you and Captain Levi together?”

I hadn’t even realized that I’d done it until the crisp sound of my palm hitting his cheek resonated in my ears. I’d slapped him as soon as he asked me and he looked just as surprised by my actions. I lost my glare, my own face taking on the same wide eyed, open mouthed expression he had.

I spotted Petra standing with Levi at the door, as the others finished getting ready. They were watching me and Eren, my elevated voice had already drawn the attention so I’m not surprised that they were watching over the situation. I looked back to Eren and furrowed my brow, trying to look angry and not like a startled fish.

“No, he took care of me instead of leaving me to an orphanage as a kid. He’s my caretaker, nothing more. Don’t ask me anything like that ever again.” I breezed past Eren and hurried towards Petra, Eren just stood back there…completely frozen. “Petra,” I squeaked out as I rushed towards her, my face burning up as embarrassment rushed to the surface.

She hurried over to me; Levi thankfully stayed by the door. I quickly hooked my arm in hers and started towards the meet up zone. “Did you just slap him?”

“Yes,”

“Should we go back?”

“No, just keep walking.” I rushed out and she nodded, continuing to walk with me.

I didn’t get a chance to actually talk to Petra about what happened to make me slap Eren, we had to get out into the city right away. As we got out into formation, fanning out like the bones of a paper fan; I found myself feeling this electricity surging through my veins.

I had wanted to be one of Levi’s hand-picked elites for so long, way back when I started training and now, here I was on the proving ground. I also couldn’t help but think about the confirmed kills that everyone on his team possessed.

We all had our definitive numbers of ‘confirmed kills’, though just because there was no one there to see it; doesn’t mean the kills didn’t happen.

In the two years my mother and I spent within the confines of Titan dominated land, I personally killed 15 Titans. While those kills where assisted by my mother and her ‘Stealth Killing’ technique, I delivered the final blow and thus the kills were mine. Counting those and the 7 Titans I killed in Trost, my true total came to 22 Titan kills.

Despite that knowledge, to the rest of the regiment; I only had the 7 from Trost. That meant I didn’t have a leg to stand on among Levi’s team and he wasn’t the type to just toss in a newbie. He was a short way ahead of me as those thoughts ran through my brain, so I sped up a little and ask him.

“Levi, you know I’m going to ask. I’m not trying to argue, but why did you choose to put me here with you guys?” I asked, raising my voice a little above the rushing wind.

Levi only cast a short glance my way when Gunther and Petra appeared beside me.

“He chose you because your general told him about your impressive kills at the wall in Trost.” Gunther started.

“You’re still a green cadet, but the Garrison reported that you killed 7 Titans before you ran out of gas. That kind of number is impressive for being fresh out of boot camp. You are here because you earned that number, even if we technically can’t count the ones from before you came to us.” She added, flashing that shining smile at me before surging forward.

I felt this gleam of pride in my chest, Levi rarely expressed praise so if my spirit was tanking before…it was soaring now. I couldn’t let that praise get to my head though, I have to stay on my toes and be careful. No matter how much experience you have out here, one bad swipe from a Titan and its over for anyone here.

The sound of a gunshot had me look up into the air and see the green smoke, warning that it was time to get into formation. We entered the danger zone and spread out into a giant fan shape to isolate our targets and hopefully minimize any casualties. If a Titan got the best of you, tough shit; so, I was one my own now.

I could feel tremors drawing near and I stopped, watching and listening; even the slightest change in the wind could warn of something I couldn’t immediately see. I felt how the wind was still cold from the rains that had passed, most of the rooftops surrounding me still held small pools of rainwater and dirt. The sky was still overcast and grey, making the area seem that much drearier; reminding me of just how serious our situation was. It also reminded me how much a deceitful lie the shining sun and clear sky had been the day Maria fell.

I raised my head like a gopher and spotted a 10-meter Titan rushing towards me at full speed. I shot one of my lines to leap to another building and it just kept going right on past me towards the Second Wave; an Abnormal!!

I set to change my momentum, casting out another line and pulling the trigger, sending me up onto the roof I’d just fled from. I ran along the roof to re-align myself with my new target, I had to protect the Second Wave.

I found myself roughly at chest height from where I was currently, I used my gas to help propel me forward a little faster so I could get closer. Ugly bastard; it’s face was scrunched up and it’s body was round and bloated, like a drowned corpse. Its limbs were skinny and anemic looking, short hair with a strange look to it, as if it had a bad bowl cut.

I sped up my steps as I jumped from the roof, deploying a line and watched as the hook dug itself into the back of the creatures’ neck. I braced for the beast’s momentum to pull me along and it was a sharp jerk, but I used that to help me swing closer; saving me a few pumps of gas.

The trajectory at which I was swinging forward had me rising up behind it along the length of its spine. Just as I was about to hit shoulder height, I turned my blades around, crossed my ankles and spun; releasing another burst of gas to make me spin faster. My braid ended up being dragged through the wound as I sliced through its neck, splattering blood on the walls of the buildings around us and on my clothes.

Once the cut was made, I swung over to a nearby balcony and found myself watching for a moment as the blood that had splattered on the glass door fizzled away into nothingness. I glanced back and saw that the blood in my braid was doing the same thing, steaming up into the air and leaving the hair dry and almost crusty looking. The same happened wherever I’d gotten blood on my clothes, crusty and dried out.

Some of my own technique was derived from watching Levi for so long, especially the spins but my own technique was a mix of that and my mother’s teachings. My mother had described it as something of a dance and compared it to the movements of a ballerina. She would tell me stories of before times, where these dancers were like dolls; wearing beautiful skirts and danced like they could fly.

In my childish hopes of becoming a ballerina, I was very particular with my skills and movements, nothing short of lethal. In my head, I was like a battlefield ballerina and as childish as it sounds, it made me feel beautiful and powerful.

With a loud thud and steam hissing into the air, I smiled; that makes 8 confirmed kills!

I then spotted another Titan casually strolling towards the inner wall behind me; damn it! I didn’t think I’d missed one so I turned around and started forward. I heard this definitive sound of someone deploying their gear behind me so I cast a quick glance over my shoulder. I could see someone was coming up behind me so I figured I’d have a little help for this one.

I kept my eyes on the Titan I was honing in on when another loud hiss from my partners gear and my wound exploded with agony! It felt like I’d been stabbed directly through my wound, slicing through the barely healed flesh. I turned to look and saw that whoever was behind me, using their 3DMG had fired one of their lines into my side, they were masked and cloaked.

I gasped as the pain radiated through my side and then they retracted the line; dragging me out of the air and slamming me down onto a roof. I skidded against the clay tiles like a skipping rock till I hit the side of a chimney and stopped. Blood quickly poured out of my belly and trickled down the tiles, mixing with the rain. I pressed my shirt hard into the wound to try and pack around the hook inside my flesh, grinding my teeth in pain. Who could have done this? _Why_ would they do this?!

I started cycling through the names of everyone in the First Wave when my attacker landed on the roof with me and calmly walked towards me. I gasped and tried to drag myself away, panic beginning to seep into my heart. I stopped when I heard what sounded like crashing back in the Second Wave zone and I felt helplessness hit me as well.

Whoever this was had stopped me from watching my position and with a loud pop and a trail of red smoke in the air, the Second Wave was calling for some back up; my part of the formation efficiently failed.

I looked up as this person knelt down beside me, grasping the cable connected to me and tugging it lightly, making me wince in pain as I stared into the strangely vibrant green eyes of my attacker. Anger filled my blood, but I retained my composure and glared at him.

“Who are you?” I asked and he just scoffed at me, leaning a little closer to my face.

My heart began to race as I saw how wide his pupils were, it was like I could see the madness in his eyes. His breath was shaky and manic, his breath heavy with the smell of cooked meat; well fed and upscale. I held his glare, hastening my own breath to feign uncertain panic as I carefully reached down into my pocket.

I found the handle of what I was looking for and made one small lurch away to drag myself away from him, making him pull the cable in his hand taught to make me cringe. I then quickly pulled my flare gun out of my pocket and swiped at him, narrowly missing him. He stumbled back and away from me; dropping the cable and growled at me, his brow furrowing and revealing the dark color of his eye brows; black. I fired the flare and backed up as a cloud of black smoke enveloped the area.

Our flares were made to leave long lasting trails in the air, not to remain in one zone as it will continue to spray until it runs out and then the smoke will linger till the wind takes it away.

I snatched the cable and started backing away from him as he sputtered and coughed. I kept backing up when I stepped right off the edge of the roof! I screamed and dropped only for the line in my side to keep me from falling and digging the hooks deeper into my flesh. I groaned loudly as I pulled my blade up, slicing the line and dropping a few feet before I deployed and swung away, my side roaring with pain as I went. I knew it was foolish to leave that bastard behind, especially if he attacked someone else but with only one working line; I doubt he’d try again.

I swung up onto the highest roof I could see from my perspective and collapsed, feeling my wounded side gushing and I lay still; cursing whoever that was as I realized that I could hear this soft hissing. That low hissing wouldn’t usually make me cry like it did but the tears just started pouring and panic began to seep in.

In my fall, I’d punctured one of my gas tanks and it was leaking now. With only one tank of gas to work with, a bleeding wound and too far from the wall in any direction to at least get out of the danger zone…the reality of my situation was the cause for my tears.

I’d likely be left behind and they’d find my corpse later, bled out and alone; the longest and most painful way to die, second only to being eaten alive by a Titan.


	14. Brewing Storm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While Eren and Armin are back in the Third Wave helping with final evacuations, Reader has been wounded and left for dead as the Titans draw nearer. With a burst of black smoke, Eren is alerted to the trouble and knows it's stemming from Reader's sect of the First Wave. Unbeknownst to him, there's more to watch out for than just the Titans. A danger which they thought was merely behind the inner walls...has followed them out into the battlefield.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes! It's time once again! Finally...*checks time* oh...its 6am...  
> Here's the next chapter, I'm off to bed :3  
> Want to help support me? Check out my Twitch, Youtube and Patreon if you like :3

**EREN**

I could feel the distant rumbles both in the sky and in the ground; storm clouds rampaging above us and Titans rampaging below. I knew that Captain Levi’s squad was on the attack right now, that they were the best of the best there was, but I couldn’t help worrying about (f/n). She had only just awoken and her hand was still so badly damaged, but she went out there anyways; facing the Titans head on without a visible ounce of hesitation.

Her bravery was to be admired, as well as her tenacity, but no matter how good you are at what you do…one small mistake and its over. I envisioned all the carnage I’d seen in Trost before and imagining (f/n) in that situation, going through what she did sent a shiver through my bones.

One of the guards had been talking about how the Head Quarters had been overrun after the generals abandoned the supply team. (f/n) had been on the supply team, I feared the worst. They said that the two others on the team were sent up into the center of HQ to safety and (f/n) went out into Trost on her own. She’d overloaded herself with gas tanks to do the job of a 4-person supply run and got her frightened comrades to safety before leaving.

“Someone please help me!!” a woman’s voice shook me from my thoughts.

I honed in on her sobs and a child’s hoarse wailing. I rushed down a small alley and spotted a woman clawing at a large wooden beam that was blocking a door from opening. “Hey, I got someone!” I shouted behind me.

“Oh, thank God! My son is trapped!” The woman cried, still tugging frantically at the post. “I was sweeping when we got the order to evacuate, someone’s body was thrown into the building beside us and this beam is holding the door shut!”

“Don’t worry, we’re here to help!” I said as two more soldiers joined in behind me.

“There’s no other way in since this is the servant’s quarters, I never even fathomed-” Her sobs cut her off as she stepped back from the beam and I saw something that made my stomach sink.

Her long brown dress had been stained with blood and the fabric bunched up between her thighs. Her eyes were swollen and red, face pale and she was skinny. I hadn’t seen it before with her dress but her belly was round and clearly pregnant. I felt someone bump into my back and I turned to see Armin standing behind me.

“Hey!” I exclaimed when he hurried over to her and pulled her arm around his shoulders.

“Eren, you guys have to get the beam! I’ll get her over to the medic, she might be having a miscarriage.” He says and quickly guides her away, exchanging a nod with me before going on.

I had only heard that word once before, all I knew was that it was the worst possible thing that could happen to a mother. I knew it meant that the baby had died and I could only imagine the fear she felt; already having lost one child and unable to rescue the other herself.

I shook myself out of that and focused on the task at hand; the beam holding the door closed.

Me and the other two soldiers grabbed the beam and with one group heave, the beam lifted up and the door was freed. Problem was, the frame had been bent and wouldn’t open outward as it should; the child behind it growing more frantic and throwing his little body into it.

“I’ll get the door!” I shouted and let go of the beam, hearing them gasp as they took on my share. I ran to the door and knocked on it, drawing the boy’s attention but he kept screaming. I heard feet behind me and glanced back to see Armin running back over and I spotted a small opening between two heavy boards that made up the wall. “Armin, can you fit your arm in there?!”

He didn’t hesitate, he pushed his arm through and knocked something over inside the house. The boy cried out and I heard him stepping away from the door, allowing me to kick the door in without hitting him. As soon as I did that, the building began to buckle and I acted fast. I ran in and snatched up the child when I heard more wailing somewhere inside the house.

“Shit, hurry!!” I said and pushed the kid towards the door, sending him running as fast as his tiny legs would carry him. I then spotted the blood stains on the floor and I ran back, following them into the room where the wailing was coming from.

I saw the baby on the floor, wrapped up in a towel and screeching like hell. I carefully picked up the baby just as the back window shattered over us with the weight of the house collapsing in on itself! I held the kid close to me, keeping its head stable and ran for the door. I threw myself into a slide to make it through the door just as it collapsed and a shard from the frame clawed into my shoulder, ripping my shirt and roughly digging into my skin. The building fell and the men dropped the beam, a cloud of brown dust and splinters billowed up around us and I started coughing, my tongue feeling very dry.

The dust settles quickly and I can see my fellow soldiers standing over me, also coughing and waving at the air to clear the dust away.

“Damn Jaeger, you’re a fucking juggernaut!” One says, clapping me on the shoulder hard as I stand up.

“Easy, I found the baby.” I say, holding the baby carefully in my arms as it continued to cry loudly.

“Holy shit, I thought Arlert said she miscarried.”

“She said that the baby didn’t cry when it was born, all the noise must have drowned out the sounds of it when it did start crying.” Armin says and looks at the tiny blue eyed wailing thing in my arms. “We should get him to his mother.”

The two older men and Armin walk ahead, but I lingered a moment; softly bouncing the baby in my arms. I looked back at the collapsed building and remembered (f/n)’s story about being left behind all that time ago. She said her mother hadn’t even tried to take them towards the boats, just covered themselves and hid amongst the dead and discarded.

I couldn’t even begin to imagine what that was like; two years surrounded by rotting corpses either left behind or regurgitated. Hiding from Titans and surviving off of whatever you could find, no fire to keep warm and always one poorly timed sneeze away from being found. After all of that fighting to survive and to get somewhere safe, her strength and conviction was something on a whole other level.

It’s just one of the reasons why I felt so strongly for her and why it hurt that much more when she said how much she hated me.

The babying cooing made me sigh and leave the building behind, just another broken house on the street; another home crushed by the Titans.

The mother had been loaded up into a cart and her son was coddled beside her, crying quietly as she soothed him. I appeared with the bundle; her eyes filled with tears again. “Is that-”

I nodded and knelt on the edge of the car, carefully handing her the bundle as it began to fuss and cry again. She happily coddled the baby to her then reached out for my hand, I gave it to her and she pulled me close enough to kiss my cheek several times as she cried her thanks.

I smiled and saluted to her as the cart started towards the inner wall, where she’d get seen by a doctor. Her son waved at us excitedly as they went. “Thank you so much!!!” the kid shouted and I smiled back, waving as they disappeared into the shadows.

It got quiet after that, the wind and the rumbling thunder the only sounds as we watched the tops of the buildings for any sign of stragglers we missed or the green smoke that would signal the fall of the last Titan. From there, we would receive the order to fall back and we would regroup for cleanup detail.

As we waited, I found myself looking back on that moment where she slapped me before. She’d looked aghast at what I had said and how could she not be!? I groaned and covered my face with my hands, as I recalled the tremor in her voice when she told me off; probably fighting the urge to hit me again.

I’m not even sure _why_ what I said made her made enough to slap me, how was I supposed to apologize when I don’t even know what to apologize for?! I will admit though, it did give me a little relief to know that her and Captain Levi weren’t involved with each other in that way, he was just her caretaker.

I couldn’t help thinking of the times when she and I had snuck off, we were alone and I started picturing it again. The needy look in her eyes and the sound she made when I touched her, I could feel my face warming at the memory. I didn’t want anyone else to touch her like that, so the idea that one of my superiors was doing that just made me see red.

I still messed up though, I’d misread his actions towards her as overly affectionate and I only saw it as romantic because that’s how I looked at her. Romantic…? Maybe that’s why I was feeling this strongly about her? I mean, I’d never been in love before, I wasn’t even sure if this was normal. I groaned again and someone nudged my shoulder, pushing me to taking a step to steady myself.

“Eren, what’s the matter?” Armin asked, taking position beside me.

“Mind if I ask you about (f/n)?” I said and he nodded, that knowing look coming into his eyes. “I pissed her off earlier, she already hates me but I really, _really_ screwed up now.”

Armin’s eyes got wide. “What? What do you mean she hates you?!”

“Is this about Cadet (l/n) slapping you earlier?” One of our Generals said as he walked over.

“It’s a little complicated…” I start, not wanting to explain to this guy how she hates me because I can turn into a Titan. “Regarding the slap, I asked if she and Captain Levi were together,” as soon as I said that Armin’s head dropped into his hand and our General laughed.

“Ok, first lesson about women; never ask if someone else is in their _business_. If she wants you, she’ll come to you herself; regardless of who she’s with-OUCH!” he yelps as he gets slapped on his ear.

“Perhaps you should go organize the group, we’re missing some people.” She snaps and he scurries off.

“For the love of God, do not listen to him; every girl that he’s been with wants to see him castrated with a rusty knife.” Her cheery tone when she says that made me and Armin sheepishly move our hands over our pants and she laughs. “Sorry boys, I didn’t mean to scare you. I’m just not gonna let him turn you two into womanizing bastards. We need more gentlemen in this world.”

“Of course, I was wondering if he was actually serious.” Armin said and she nodded. “Thank you, Miss,”

“Agatha, sorry to be eavesdropping too, I have big ears. I tend to eavesdrop on the higher ups to so I think I have a little intel for you. (f/n) and Levi’s relationship is complicated, they mentioned how when they asked him if he sees her as a daughter, he said no. The conversation got a little ugly though when they asked if he’d taken her as his woman. He actually reprimanded them for thinking that way about someone her age.”

“That’s creepy,” Armin says. “They must be pretty close if people are jumping to those kinds of conclusions.”

“I guess people are just trying to make sense of it, she grew up with the Scouts because Petra didn’t want to leave her into an orphanage. I can’t blame her; at that time all the orphanages were brimming with children orphaned two years before.”

“Wait, Petra’s the one that wanted her to stay?” I asked and Agatha nods.

“Yup, from what I heard she took to her like a mother to a long-lost child. Levi always joined in for the visits so I think people just assumed that they had taken over a father figure. That being said, I think you should have asked her what their relationship is instead of assuming what it is. That probably made her uncomfortable, especially since it was coming from someone who has already been close to her like that.” Agatha winks at me and I feel my face heat up.

“Thank you, that’s…really solid advice.” Armin says, patting my shoulder.

She politely salutes and just as I’m about to salute back something explodes behind us, making me whip around to look back into the city. The sound was a signal flare being fired somewhere out in the city, I expected to see a streak of green across the sky. My blood ran cold as I saw not green smoke, but black smoke! The black flare was stagnant and continuing to grow on the roof of a building within the field of the First Wave!

Black smoke was meant to signify that something has gone wrong and as if to punctuate that fact, three Titans were headed right this way. My stomach did a back flip and I knew I heard the generals shout to engage, but his words were muffled. I deployed my gear and by passed the first of those Titans as it fell, having already been cut down by a general.

My mind was racing as I headed towards the black smoke, the image of our formations being shown to us on a board and me confirming what I had already feared. The black smoke and Titans were from (f/n)’s sect!

I got to the roof and ran towards the smoke, calling out to her when in the blink of an eye all the smoke billowed away as a 15-meter Titan chomped through the cloud at me! The gust from it lunging its bulbous head dispersed the smoke quickly and its teeth clashed loudly in the spot where I’d nearly been standing.

There was a loud clap of thunder overhead and the sky opened up, dumping buckets down over the city in a matter of seconds. Just another cloudburst but I still had to blink a few times before my eyes adjusted to the constant spray of water from the heavy drops hitting my cheeks.

Rain began trickling off the edges of the buildings and the Titans head as it stood up and turned away from me. I kept my eyes trained on it, not daring to move as it started meandering away from me. I was confused, Titans don’t just walk away and they’re not like animals that can be distracted. Once one has you in its sights its typically game over, yet this one turned around and seems dead set on something else.

Then I noticed it reach out and grab something off a nearby roof, looking like a child trying to grab something on a high table. It turned back and raised its find up into the air, poking and prodding till the gear wrapped around the person falls off and my heart stopped…it was (f/n)!

Her side was dark red, her stitches clearly busted and the blood dripped down the side of the building with the rain. Her braid was hidden within the fingers of the Titan holding her, forcing her head back a little as she shook her face and sputtered just as the rain began to fade.

The Childlike Titan raised her up and grabbed one arm with one hand and one foot with the other; holding her up like a paper doll and pulling slowly! I shot forward, seeing my window as it was so distracted with her, I should be able to land a clean hit!

Just as I got off the edge of the roof and deployed to make the cut, I heard someone’s gear behind me and I glanced over just in time to see someone wearing a Scouts green military cloak swoop in and kick me hard in the stomach, throwing me to the side and rolling across the dirt. The wind left my body in a loud rasp and I heard one of my tanks bounce away from me as I finally came to a stop.

As I regained my breath, I looked up to see that as fast as that guy had appeared; he’d vanished. I heard a loud hissing and looked down to see that in that attack, he’d punctured my remaining tank!!

I looked up and saw that (f/n) was still struggling and kicking to get away from the Titan, when there’s a loud airy whoosh as she deploys one of her lines into the Titan’s face, stabbing right through its eye and making it rear back and lose its grip on her arm. She swung from it’s other hand by her leg and used one of her blades to sever her own line so it wouldn’t bifurcate her when it pulled the cable out.

I was stranded on the ground and found myself just watching as the Titan righted itself and turned its attention back to (f/n). Without my gear, I couldn’t cut the Titan down and I can’t catch her either! I looked around frantically, trying to think of something when I spotted one of (f/n)’s blades lodged into the earth after she lost it and it was like a flash in my head, the story that she told me…’Stealth Killing’!

I pulled the hilt as hard as I could and the tip of the blade broke off in the dirt, making the edge of it strangely jagged like a piece of silver ice! I ran towards the Titan’s stagnant ankles and called out to (f/n).

“(f/n)!! Stealth Killing!!” I yelled as I swung at its left ankle and got sprayed with a powerful gust of steam and stinging Titan blood. The strangest part about the smell is that there was no smell, just heat blowing up into my face and nose.

Stumbling forward, I took aim at the other ankle and dug the blade into its flesh; ripping and tearing into it more than slicing like the first one. That is where its legs buckled and it stumbled forward over a building, (f/n) leaving my sight and I couldn’t tell if I’d just gotten her crushed or if she’d been dropped and somehow managed to get away.

I turned and ran to get out of the way of the falling debris from the building it hit and it sort of just crumpled to the ground, ending up on its hands and knees as its ankles healed up before my eyes. It moved to stand and spotted me, this flash of something going through its huge eyes.

“Shit!” I turned and sprinted for a skinny space between two buildings, for once thanking my skinny frame and not cursing it!

The Titan reached in to try and get me but its arm was too big so it started hitting the buildings to get through. I got to the end of the alley and found it blocked off by another broken building; I’d trapped myself. I looked up and pressed my back against the wall, trying to think of what to do next. I looked down and saw my toe was pressed up against the wall in front of me.

I pushed against the wall behind me and used my legs to help me get up off the ground and my hands on the wall to keep from sliding. I used to do this in the door frame of our house before my mom told me that I’d get too high and get stuck.

I pushed myself against the wall behind me and essentially stood up and then pressed my back against the wall again, inching my way up and up and up. The Titan kept pounding away at the wall and if I didn’t pick up the pace, I’d get buried with the rocks!

Sweat was dripping down my chin by the time I got near the top and I had to do some admittedly awkward looking back bending to get my body above the roof. I’d made a human bridge with my feet on one roof edge and my hands on the other, my back bent into an arch. I took a deep breath, unintentionally snorting some of my sweat in the process and kicked off the roof as hard as I could and managed to swing my legs forward with enough momentum that it all but threw me onto the roof.

I was up off the ground but still had no gear to speak of, how was I supposed to fend this thing off?! I stared into its face as it slowly stood up straight. Out of nowhere it looked back and reached behind it and grabbed at something I couldn’t see.

Just as I made to turn and run, I got surprised by (f/n) suddenly flying up in front of me, her back to me and a gas cannister tucked under her right arm! I heard this loud metallic ping sound and then she just flew towards me and I caught her against my chest, falling back onto the roof.

“What the hell?!!” I yelled when I realized that she’d used the hilt of her trigger to break the top off the cannister and used it like a hefty blast of air to put her onto the roof.

I was about to ask her where she’d come from when she kicked the cable off her foot and let it fall off the roof just as the line went flying through the air as the Titan turned and moved around. As it spun, I could see the hook that had dug straight into its back was connected to the cable she’d had around her foot.

“What the hell did you do?” I asked and she gasped for air as she clutched her wound, not in pain clearly because she was smiling.

“I did what I could…with what I have.” She took several deep breaths then got herself to sit up. “I shot my only good line at it’s back to get its attention, then used my cable like a…like an elastic string to sort of…slingshot me into the air.”

“What if that hadn’t worked?” I asked.

She didn’t get to answer as the Titan’s hand suddenly swung down towards us, the cable and hook tangled around its hand! We both jumped out of the way just as its hand smashed through the roof and when the dust settled, the Titan had its eyes trained on me!!

“EREN!!” (f/n) screamed!

“Fuck!!” I shouted as I ran out of it’s grasp just then but then I ran directly into it’s other open hand and everything around me went completely dark as its hand closed around me; I was about to be crushed.

“STOP!!!” (f/n)’s voice echoed all around us, even encased in the Titans hand I could hear her voice clear as a bell and it carried out into the air. Something was different though, there was this sort of high-pitched whistle behind her voice and it felt like I’d been kicked in the head when she yelled again. “LET HIM GO!!”

The Titans hand unclenched around me and it pulled its hands back, its eyes firmly trained on (f/n). She was kneeling where she’d landed a moment ago and staring directly at it, not wavering in her gaze despite her labored breaths.

My eyes drifted past her and I could see all throughout the city, in what I could only describe as the most haunting image I’d seen since the day my mother died. Every Titan that was in the city had fallen completely still, none of them moved, attacked or anything…and they were _all_ looking towards (f/n).

Everything in my body was focused on her as if she was metal and I was a magnet. I was just as fixated on her as the Titans were…when the moment that felt like it would last forever…ended.

Somewhere out in the city, someone set off a flare and in one massive flash of green and silver; the back of all the Titans necks burst with blood and fell out of sight and the sound of all their bodies hitting the ground at the same moment, echoed all throughout the city. I bet even the people within the walls could feel the vibrations from that ripple.

The Titan that stood before us collapsed along with the rest and Gunther appeared on the roof beside me, letting out a sigh. I looked back at him and he grabbed my shoulders, shaking me excitedly and patting my arm.

“Man, did you see that?!!” he says when Oluo arrives on the roof with us as well.

“What just happened? I know what I saw…but someone needs to explain it to me.” I say, absolutely incredulous at what we just witnessed.

“As soon as all the Titans froze and we all heard (f/n) yell, we sprang at the opportunity. Everyone got into position, one soldier to a Titan and once Eld set off the flare, it was a done deal!!” Oluo explains.

Gunther and Oluo exchange high fives and praises when I turn to look at (f/n) who hasn’t moved or said anything yet. “(f/n)?” I asked and the two veterans behind me fall quiet.

She’s turned herself away from us and is now staring into the city, sitting on her knees and not moving. She calmly undid the end of the braid and with one wide sweep of her arm, the braid came out of its serpentine and the full length of her hair flared out. The ends hung over the edge of the roof, swaying slowly in the cold wind.

That breeze was lazily clearing away the clouds as sun began to cover the city in its last rays; nightfall fast approaching. There was a distant, metal screeching followed by the loud thud of the gate being taken back and closed accordingly, preventing anymore Titans from coming in. At this moment there were several loud cries of celebration and several green flares flung up into the sky. The chalky scent the flares left in the air felt strangely out of place for me, it felt premature.

I reached (f/n)’s side and reached out, my finger barely having grazed her shoulder. “Don’t touch me, please…” she said, her voice quiet and sad sounding.

I remained there, standing beside her and absolutely silent as I heard Oluo whispering to Gunther behind me.

“Why doesn’t he just take the hint and go away? Ouch!” Oluo hissed. It sounded like Gunther swatted him.

“Shush, they need to work this out if we’re all gonna be a team. Just wait,”

Finally, she turned and looked at me, her eyes overflowing with tears but she wasn’t reacting at all. Her face was this stoic, statuesque look and tears were just dripping off her chin. The look in her eyes made me kneel down beside her and I struggled to think of something to say. Her eyes looked dead, like she wasn’t here…it was the same far away look she had during sparring training.

“Eren…” her voice came out monotone and hoarse. “Did everyone…see that? What just happened there?”

I looked back out at the incredible sight of all those steam trails in the air, unsure of how to process that as she starts shaking. “Yeah…”

“That Titan…it… _stopped_ …because I _told_ it to. The other Titans…all _stopped_ …didn’t they? I didn’t just imagine that?” She’s beginning to shake and she’s fighting to keep that stoic expression, jaw clenched and the life returning to her eyes slowly.

“I saw it too.” I say and she nods solemnly.

There’s a long moment of quiet, just the wind blowing and her stifled sniffling. I’m waiting when I feel something warm touch my hand and I look down to see that she’s reached out and taken my fingers into her hand.

“I need to apologize to you.” She says, turning her head away from me as she wipes her nose on her sleeve. I could see the storm in her eyes; as if the clouds had moved into her eyes.

“Really?” I asked, honestly surprised. She’d said how she hated me with such conviction, so to see that same strength in her eyes now was shocking.

“I need to apologize for the awful things I said to you before. I was scared and angry…and I didn’t even begin to consider the possibility.”

“What possibility?” I say, she raises her head and holds my gaze.

The dim light of the falling sun has me enraptured, even after being through hell who knows how many times…she’s still so beautiful.

“That you didn’t choose to have that power.” She bows her head then looks back out over the city, her shoulders set back. “I thought this had just been something I imagined as a kid; something I made up to put a little magic into the world of blood and death I’d started calling home…but I can see now. I can see that my mother and I…we weren’t like other people…from the day the wall fell.” She says and I shake my head.

“(F/n) what do you mean?”

“Everyone ran from them, my mother walked towards them with me in her arms. We lived among them for two years, she taught me how to kill them if I had no other way. I didn’t even realize how one part of the plan worked until now. I’m so sorry that I’ve been so stupid and blind and in denial of what I should have just admitted to myself a long time ago.” She was shaking violently, still clutching my hand.

“Hold it, what are you talking about? I don’t understand.” I said, scooting myself a little closer.

“The stealth killing, the way my mother taught me to kill Titans without our Gear…requires someone to be the bait and someone to be on the ground for the attack. My mother had always been the bait…because she could call out to them and they would come…and now so can I.” she says, this distant and numb look in her face.

Some part of me should have been happy because she spoke to me, not angry anymore it seems and apologized but…something still felt wrong. The elation that everyone had felt misplaced, the battle was over but not the war. We won this one…how many more would we lose, how many more lives will it take for us to find that same victory anywhere else?

I wasn’t even sure of what had happened to her or with all those Titans just now…but she said her mother and her could call out to them and they would obey. The story she told me, of how her mother had miraculously distracted all those Titans…it’s because she called them to her.

“Eren, (f/n), we need to get back.” I hear Captain Levi behind me and I get to my feet, turning to him but not letting go of her hand. Him, Petra and Eld have joined us and the look on my face and (f/n)’s tearstained face told of our concerns. “What’s wrong?” he asked.

“There is a _big_ problem right now…” I start but Oluo interjects and I realize that all of Levi’s team is around me now.

“I mean, a conversation about what just happened needs to happen but I don’t think that’s a problem.”

“Not just that, someone attacked us. He busted my stitches and almost got us both killed!” (f/n) says and this tenseness ripples through the group.

“It wasn’t the Titans that hurt her…” I reached down and presented my one remaining tank with the puncture in it. “Someone attacked her, then sabotaged me when I tried to help her.”

There’s a beat as they catch on to what I’m getting at, Captain Levi speaks first.

“Don’t you get it? Titans don’t pop stitches and leave you for dead, Titans don’t puncture our tanks! Someone attacked them out here!!” Petra says.

“I think that whoever ripped my stitches, is the same person who killed the Garrison. I couldn’t see their face but they were wearing one of our cloaks and had 3DM Gear too!” I added, Levi sighing heavily as another gust of wind swept the remaining grey clouds over the sun, once again plunging us into a hazy cold world.

“And whoever that traitor is…” Levi turns to look towards the inner wall and I feel (f/n)’s grip on my hand tighten. “Has now fled into the city under the guise of being one of our people.”


End file.
